Sunday:
I gave myself the day off on waking up early today, but I still managed to get up at 8 on my own. Making progress, I think?
A few weeks ago, I was contacted by a computational modeling professor from one of the schools I applied to for my PhD. I didn’t list them as a potential mentor, but they saw that I’d taken some computational modeling classes before and have had some experience with programming, and asked if I’d be interested in working in a computational modeling lab. I’d never considered it before since I’m in no way proficient at programming. We had a phone conversation about what it’d be like to work in his lab, and about his research, and after spending the next week reading a few of his papers, I came to the conclusion that I would likely enjoy working in his lab, although it might be difficult to pick up the programming and the advanced statistics that they use.
I emailed him back saying basically that, and he replied that if I were having trouble with reading papers with lots of equations, it might indicate that his lab isn’t a good fit; however, he also mentioned that while grad students wouldn’t be required to come up with models, we’d have to be able or willing to learn how to read computational papers. I replied saying that I would be willing to learn, and confident that I’d be able to pick up the necessary skills. It’s been a week since I emailed that to him, and no response back yet, while before that he’d always responded to emails within a day or so. Now I’m worried that he has lost interest in me as a potential PhD student.
On the bright side, this has kickstarted my motivation to finally learn Python; I’m trying to work it into time slots in my planner. I’m hoping he just suddenly has gotten very busy. I’m not sure whether or not I should email him again, and even if I did, I don’t know what exactly I’d say.
Bleh.
Monday:
Today I have an appointment with a new PCP. I haven’t been to a PCP in a while, and I don’t think I’ve had a physical since high school. However, since my insurance changed to Obamacare last summer, I wasn’t able to go to my psychiatrist anymore for my Adderall, and yes, I’m only now finally going to a PCP to get back on my Adderall that I’ve been out of for months. It’s only thanks to one of my friends giving me a list of some doctors that she knows are good and are also “prescription pad-friendly”.
I goofed and forgot I have lab today, so I accidentally scheduled it for 2:45; since it’s a new patient intake, I have to fill out forms and stuff as well, so I actually need to be there by 2:15, meaning I’ll have to leave the lab early. I know it won’t be a big deal, though, especially since I’m not working in the lab for credit. I still kinda feel bad, though. Maybe it’s part of my self-esteem thing, but I always feel like I’m not doing enough or not making much progress.
Tuesday:
This past weekend, I looked through the apartment and through the last two boxes that haven’t yet been unpacked to see if I could find my sketchbook. No dice, although I did find the pencil bag that had all my “art” pens/pencils/stuff. Oddly enough, it was missing the pack of felt-tip type art pens that I had. So either I looked everywhere and still somehow missed seeing my sketchbook and pens (entirely possible), or I lost them or maybe they got taken to my parents’ house. In any case, I bought two small sketchbooks from Michaels, along with some Sakura Micron pens that are used for Zentangle.
Maybe I’ll block out some time today to try it out. All I’ve really got is work tonight, though I do want to start on updating my budget. My goal for that today is to at least get my main bank account updated in YNAB. Aside from that, I want to spend some time learning Python, and get my Adderall prescription filled before I go to work.
I feel like I’m trying to do a lot of new things/establish a lot of new habits this month, so I hope it doesn’t backfire on me for trying to bite off more than I can chew.
Wednesday:
I was pretty successful in my attempt to be productive yesterday. I didn’t end up trying out Zentangle, but I was able to get my checking and savings account all updated in YNAB. It probably helped that I took my last Adderall, after saving it for months, for whatever reason. It never fails to amaze me how much of a difference it makes, especially after having been on a break from taking it. Chores feel less like a burden that I have to work up the motivation to do, and more like something that simply needs to be done. I feel like I’m able to better inhibit that part of me that has some slight anxiety and overanalyzes interactions in social situations; i.e., it’s easier to talk to people, especially strangers. Planning comes more easily — it’s not as difficult to break difficult tasks into steps, and prioritize which to do first — which in turn makes a difficult task (such as budgeting) less daunting and easier to start and finish.
And my new PCP wrote me prescriptions for Adderall for three months out, so I don’t have to worry about running out for a while; I even already got the first one filled yesterday.
Tl;dr, I did adult things and got back on my medication and now I feel super productive and motivated to get stuff done. HAPPY HUMP DAY GAIZ.
GRE – I Hate Standardized Tests
It’s been a little over a month since my last post, huh? I’ve mainly been trying to focus on balancing appropriate studying for the GRE, keeping up with classes, going to work, and working in lab — mostly unsuccessfully haha. I took a practice GRE at the beginning of September, and my actual GRE (which I took this past Wednesday! On my birthday, no less.) scores were the same as that practice one. Which is good, in a way, since I was worried that the actual GRE would be more difficult than the free practice tests they have on their website. On the other hand, it means that I didn’t study properly, otherwise I should’ve done better. I didn’t really study verbal reasoning stuff, since I’ve always been good at it, but the quantitative reasoning really bit me in the butt. I’m sure if I had actually done a few practice questions every night, then I wouldn’t have had such a difficult time with pacing myself during the actual GRE.
My score wasn’t bad though! 161 on verbal reasoning, which is around 87th percentile according to the chart the GRE website has. 152 on quantitative reasoning, which is around 48th percentile. Not necessarily bad, but not competitive either. However, I have a feeling that most of the programs I’ll be applying to won’t stress that score as much. As long as the scores I get back from my analytical writing are 4 or above, I think I should be okay on the GRE. Then again, I also had some difficulty with pacing on the analytical writing section also, so it still feels iffy. I just kept overthinking the prompt in its possible interpretations, and probably making it overly difficult. Like I usually do. I know I am good at analytical writing, if my grades on past papers I’ve had to write for classes are any indication — I just don’t do well under a 30-minute time limit. It takes me about that long just to mull things over and develop a definitive position on a topic, if not more.
I feel confident about it though, in spite of all that. Nowhere near as stressful as taking the MCAT, although that might be due to the fact that I got to see my scores immediately after finishing, rather than having to wait an entire month. I also might’ve gotten a little bit better at not being as intimidated by the GRE as I was by the MCAT. Or maybe I’m just dunning caring. Who knows at this point lol. Though, if I just don’t care enough, that’s probably an indicator that I should rethink my career decision to go into research and academia haha.
Update: I got a 3.5 on my analytical writing shiiii-. Well, guess I’ve got my work cut out for me for the next month. Dangit dangit dangit. Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
What really irks me is that I generally write well — I just don’t write well under timed conditions. And except for exams, when during my PhD program would I need to hammer out an essay in 30 minutes? On all the essays that I’ve written for class assignments that I can remember off the top of my head, I’ve generally received top scores on. And some of these assignments were papers reviewing scientific articles, which makes them analytical writing assignments. I am so salty. :<
So much for feeling confident.
750 Words: The Final Stretch
Wow, it’s really been a while since my last post. I’m guessing I talked about quitting my job at New York & Company in the vlog (I’m not going to bother with listening to myself talk lol). Well, I wasn’t jobless for very long — I started working at Talbots later in April as their keyholder and it has been great. They’re more organized, they actually have enough people to cover a shift, and most importantly, people periodically bring food for everyone to snack on (especially during new floor sets). Other than that, I went to A-Kon again this summer. There were a few highlights — cosplay contest, a few panels, artist’s alley — but overall it didn’t feel all that special to me. Comparatively, I still prefer SGC to A-Kon; this year’s A-Kon had a similarly laid-back feel to it, but there wasn’t much that piqued my interest in way of panels. To be fair, I haven’t watched or kept up with anime in years. Maybe one day I’ll go to a comic con. It feels like it’ll probably be more appealing, since it’s not focused around one specific genre.
In other news, I started working at a lab this summer, as part of my research internship requirements. This lab (Kennedy Lab of Aging and Cognition) focuses on cognitive aging, and they actually do a fairly wide variety of things for a lab. My project/focus is on white matter hyperintensities, and so far most of what I’ve been doing in lab is figuring out how to use MATLAB and playing with this Lesion Segmentation Tool, which makes WMH probability maps of participants’ scans.
I could go into more depth about lab stuff, but that’s not really my focus for this post. It has come to my attention that this is really going to be my last semester here at UTD. While I don’t have the usual “school pride” that students have at other schools — particularly large ones like UT Austin or Texas A&M (maybe it’s a football-related thing?) — I’ve grown very fond of UTD. Living in an apartment from freshman year was great, playing online video games with my friends in the computer labs at night was awesome, and I always enjoyed watching people play pool and ping-pong while I ate at the student union on the upper floor.
While I guess only the first point is something that was unique to UTD — not anymore though, since they finished the residence halls after my freshman year — something about the size and location of it has always struck me as quaint and homely. Like, in the absence of a football team to bring us together, the student body fully embraced all the habits and behaviors of being nerdy and prided itself on it. Fliers of LAN parties could be found all over the campus, one would occasionally find little printouts of Pokemon stuck in random places from a Pokemon scavenger hunt, the computer lab pretty much always has at least one person playing a MOBA game, and I can always count on getting streetpasses on my 3DS while walking around on campus. We have cheerleaders for our chess team, which is apparently phenomenally good. I often feel out-of-place, like I don’t belong or really fit in with the people I’m with, but being a student at UTD is probably the closest I’ve come to feeling “at home” with a general population.
I found some amazing friends here at UTD, pretty much from the first day — even if the circumstances that brought us together were a bit odd. I doubt I would’ve found such amazing friends as quickly if I had gone to another school. Admittedly, and somewhat regrettably, I’ve gotten pretty distant from the culture at UTD since I and my friends finished undrgrad and two of them moved away. Now that I live ~45 minutes away from campus, I doubt I’ll be able to remedy that in this last semester of my masters program. Nevertheless, I’ll always think of UTD fondly; for all the ups and downs I encountered during my 6 years there, the time I’ve spent on that campus has been the best time of my (short 23-year) life. I don’t think I have ever regretted choosing to come to UTD, and consider myself unbelievably lucky for choosing a college where I met my best friends and discovered my true dream career — a life of research in neuroscience. I can only hope that I will be anywhere near as fortunate in my search for the school where I’ll get my PhD.
Realizing how little time left I have at this school has also really made me realize how little time left I have to apply to PhD schools. I have to choose which schools I want to apply to, plus study, take, and do well on my GRE, ask professors to write letters of recommendations, write my statement of purposes, and figure out application processes — all on top of my courses for the semester and a part-time job. I guess that’s one thing that being pre-med had over going into academia; they had a dedicated program and multiple pre-med student associations to inform and coach you through the application and admissions process.
Ah well. I guess all I can say is this: WISH ME LUCK!
Travel Vlog: Dunning Jobs and Getting Healthy
Anyway, the issue with my Ford Escape was actually with a sensor that is responsible for gas being pumped to the engine when the gas pedal is depressed. I’ve been pretty skeptical of my car ever being actually “fixed” considering my past experience with taking it to the dealership and getting it back “fixed”, but I immediately noticed a difference in the way it drove on the way back to Dallas today. Before, you’d feel a noticeable lurch whenever the car was shifting gears, but today it was hardly noticeable, and it didn’t hesitate in accelerating/switching gears like it used to. It felt really nice to be driving my Escape again — I didn’t realize I’d miss it haha.
750 Words: Work Stress
I’ve always found it difficult to make posts about mundane little details of my life, which is partly also the reason why I have trouble making daily posts. However, I saw two posts on my Tumblr dashboard that were basically lists of questions that followers could choose for the poster to answer, so I copied a few of them into a word doc to use as topics for these 750 Word posts. Maybe I’ll aim for 2 posts a week and work my way up during the year, ’cause once a day is too much of a commitment for me right now lol.
In other news, apparently this past week has been pretty stressful on me. I opened every day that I worked last week, and only one of those days was with an associate who’s been at our store for more than a month. Two of those days was with a manager from another store who was helping us out since we have only one associate at our store who can open during the week, and she was gone on vacation. It was nice though, since the other manager was able to show me how to do more of the paperwork and stuff for the store. The last day, we borrowed an associate from another store, and the closing manager from the day before forgot to do the computer stuff so that the associate could clock in and had the correct register permissions and whatnot. I vaguely remembered how to do it from when I helped out another store, but in the end, I still had to call the help desk.
Speaking of the help desk, I had to call them pretty much every day that I worked last week because we kept having issues with our coupon codes not working properly on our registers. I’ve gotten the same tech support person practically every time I’ve called, which feels a little weird. I guess we only have a handful of tech support people for the stores in our region? It’s the only plausible reason I can think of for me getting the same person that many times in a row.
I didn’t realize how stressed I was until I saw the schedule for this week and just raged. First of all, I’m scheduled for 26 hours this week, when I specifically requested for a max of 20 hours. Secondly, I’m scheduled to open again on Thursday for the few hours before my class starts because I’m the only associate who consistently has opening availability on Thursday. And thirdly, two of my shifts are with new associates. I just dislike that they schedule me with new people when I’m still new at my position. It’s frustrating that most of our associates only have closing availability, so I’ll probably be stuck opening on Thursday for a while until we hire someone who has opening availability. At least our new store manager is done with training, so he’s working at our store starting this week.
I actually raged so hard that I cried after I clocked out on Friday. I’m stuck on campus from 1:00 PM – 9:45 PM on Tuesdays, and even though I only have a class for just over an hour on Thursdays, I still consider it a “class day”. Being scheduled on Wednesdays and Fridays makes it difficult to read ahead for class, or even review stuff for class, since work mentally tires me out so much. So the days that I actually have off from work and don’t have class are mostly spent catching or keeping up with classes, making it feel like I don’t get much time to just relax. So that, and the fact that they disregarded my max availability really irks me. Additionally, my parents are visiting this weekend, so I’ll probably be spending a good deal of my free time cleaning my apartment. I’ve actually been wanting to clean my apartment for a while, but I’d need at least a day to do all of it, and since I’ve been using my days off to study, I haven’t been able to get to it.
I dunno. It doesn’t sound quite as complicated when I explain it, but I guess it feels really stressful to me since my time management skills are still pretty crappy. That, and a whole bunch of new stuff was thrown at me this past week.
Well, on the plus side, I worked on the blanket I’m knitting for my nephew, and I’ve been rereading the Harry Potter series before bed since I don’t have any of my portable game systems to play on lol. I’m already on the fourth book in the series even though I’ve been trying to limit myself to only one or two chapters a night. Then again, the first three books are kinda short — and I also binge read a few times last week when I was feeling frustrated and unmotivated to do anything requiring effort.
Somehow, I can’t believe it’s already February, but I also can’t believe that it’s only February.
750 Words: Still in School! Work Promotion! Resolutions!
I’m not sure where to start on this one. The last post was written right before all my final exams and papers. I somehow managed to get two A’s and one B- for my classes from last semester, but that left me with a cumulative GPA of 2.959, which was just under the 3.0 I needed to get out of academic probation.
In undergrad at UTD, if you get into academic probation and aren’t able to get out of it within 2 semesters, there are a few other levels of probation and whatnot before you get dismissed from the university. However, in grad school, all you get is the one chance. So the second half of my December and the first few weeks of January was spent worrying about whether or not my adviser would be able to convince the Dean of Graduate Studies to not kick me out of the master’s program.
Luckily, he did, and I’m about to start the third week of classes. One of my friends also made me give him my 3DS and PSP for the semester, so hopefully I’ll be able to keep my shit together. Speaking of my 3DS, I bought Etrian Odyssey sometime at the end of December when it was on sale for $15, and somehow managed to put over 40 hours into it before giving my 3DS to my friend after the first week of classes.
I started working at NY&C again 2 weeks ago and made sure they made a note of not scheduling me for more than 20 hours/week. The first week, I probably worked somewhere between 25-30 hours, but that’s fine since classes were just starting up and I wanted to earn money to make up for not working for over a month lol.This past week, they scheduled me for 15, but then I got randomly promoted to management support associate (MSA), so I picked up another 5 hours or so from being trained on opening and closing the store. I get a $1.50 pay raise that should come into effect this week, and tomorrow will be my first time to open the store.
The company decided to remove some job positions (namely, part-time assistant manager) and add others (floor sales leader, pretty much same thing as assistant manager but with less pay and more restricted hours, I guess). Considering that my store has been undergoing management changes pretty much since I started working, and that we’ve been shorthanded in general, this change came at a bad time; I’m guessing that had a lot to do with me getting a promotion. Speaking of which, MSA is a temporary promotion, and I go back to being a regular sales associate once we get a full management team back.
The crappy part is that they’re having me open on Tuesday and Thursday this week from 9:30 – 12 (when I have class at 1), so they’re really desperate. I hope that this doesn’t become a trend, otherwise I’ll change my availability to where I can’t work on Tuesdays and Thursdays at all. Another crappy thing is that we lost one of our part-time managers because she decided the demotion to floor sales leader ($4 decrease in pay) wasn’t worth it, and took the severance package instead.
I’m not really sure what else I have to talk about. I have no idea how people can work all day and then get home and study for classes, though. I’m so mentally drained after working a full shift that I can’t do any studying unless it’s something menial. And since my classes mainly require reading, that means I just don’t study more often than not.
I’ve been getting up and going to sleep earlier and on a fairly regular basis since starting work at NY&C again, and also classes. I enjoy it, but I also wish it were easier to actually get up in the mornings. It probably would be easier if I had something to eat for breakfast. Speaking of which, I still need to go buy some groceries. Better wrap up this super-fragmented blog post quickly. It’s already 8 PM and I should be in bed by teeeeeeeeeeennnnn.
To end things, I guess I could list my vague new year’s resolutions here, since I did think of a few. I usually make any, since I’m of the school of thought that people should continually trying to improve themselves, so I guess this is more of me writing out goals I’ve been working towards, but in a more concrete/detailed way. I should probably write them down and tape them to my monitor so I see them daily, but meh, maybe later.
2015 New Year’s Resolutions:
- Make fewer impulse purchases
- Make fewer *large* impulse purchases
- Short-term goal: limit to one impulse purchase a month
- Update budget regularly
- When getting paycheck
- When making purchases
- Reconcile w/bank statement @ beginning of month
- Fewer purchases = moar $$$
- For food
- For bills, credit cards
- For financial buffer
- For THE FUTURE
- Keep up with classes
- Read chapters before class
- Review class notes & personal chapter notes weekly
- Update planner w/study timelines for upcoming assignments
- Use planner regularly
- Class assignments/exams
- Work schedules
- Meal plans
- Also helps with eating more healthily
- Bills
- Blog more regularly
- 750 Words
- Such work
- Much time
- ???
- ?????
- ???????????????
- 750 Words
750 Words – Mind Maps & Persona Q
It’s been a few months since you’ve seen one of these, huh? I didn’t realize the 750 Words post I made was in July. Lol! I just realized that I kept up with those for only a week before starting “The Ones Who Matter” series, so I didn’t really establish much of a routine before messing it up, anyway. I guess since it’s been a while since my last post talking about things going on in my life, I’ll do a quick recap of the past few months.
- I got a job at New York & Company
- My nephew was baptized and I’m now his godmother.
- One of my older cousins got married and had a suuuuuuuuuuper fancy wedding reception.
- I went clubbing for the first time.
I think that about covers all the big events. Otherwise my life has been pretty much the same as past semesters: trying to figure out how I study best, trying not to procrastinate, trying to eat healthy, trying not to fail classes. The usual. I’ve been using this program called XMind for the past month or so, and I think it’s the best method I’ve found so far. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, “mind mapping” is a diagramming method for visually organizing information around a concept. I like using the computer program rather than pen and paper because:
- I’m not limited to the physical dimensions of a piece of paper
- I can paste images from my book into my mind maps
- I type faster than I write
- I don’t have to keep up with physical pieces of paper
- I can rearrange things in my maps later on if I feel like it
- Mind mapping is kinda fun, and the above-mentioned benefits of using a computer program increase the fun-ness, which makes me slightly more motivated to study if I’m able to use it
I’m only using the free version right now, but if I continue to use it next semester and see a positive effect on my studying habits, then I might consider purchasing a license for it for the additional features.
Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about in this post is the Persona game being released this coming Tuesday for the Nintendo 3DS. After playing Persona 3 Portable last year, it pretty much instantly became my favorite game, so one major reason that I want to buy it is for nostalgia’s sake. Persona Q: Shadow of the Labrynth (click for a review about the game) originally wasn’t very high on my wishlist, but after watching a stream of the gameplay on the Atlus Twitch channel last week, I got so excited that I impulse pre-ordered the game. Now here I am a few days later, trying to be a responsible adult by talking myself out of my pre-order. Let’s do a quick pros and cons list.
Pros (Why I Want It):
- NOSTALGIA
- NOSTALGIA
- NOSTALGIA
- New map-drawing gameplay from Etrian Odyssey
- NOSTALGIA
Cons (Why I Shouldn’t Pre-order It):
- It costs $50 and you should be saving money
- You have games on all your consoles (PC, PS2, N64, PSP, & 3DS) that you haven’t played/finished
- There’s always the possibility that it will be on sale in the future (though somewhat unlikely)
- You wouldn’t be able to play it until the end of the semester anyway (assuming you don’t want to fail your classes and get kicked out of the master’s program)
- If you pre-ordered it, you would probably start playing it immediately, fail your classes, and get kicked out of the master’s program
It’s pretty obvious that canceling my pre-order is the right/smart/adult choice to make, but it’s difficult ignoring the screaming fangirl inside of me, even if denying her this game is only temporary. It’s a good thing I started using my budget program again, otherwise I’d probably lose the battle to my inner fangirl. I think I’ve managed to compromise with her by agreeing that we can get it once we finish Persona 4, and also pointing out that we can tide ourselves over by playing the feMC route on P3P to completion. This also gives me more motivation to finish P4; I don’t play my console or PC games anywhere near as avidly as I games on my PSP or 3DS. While portability (as in easily taking my games with me whenever I travel) is plays a part, the major reason for this is that I can play games on my PSP and 3DS while laying down on my bed, and am not confined to one position/direction. Maybe if I had more comfortable furniture, this wouldn’t be as big of an issue.
Being a responsible adult sucks.
750 Words — Knowing What’s Important
Maybe with this 750-word daily task I have on HRPG, this blog may become a daily blog type of thing. I don’t think that’s particularly good or bad, but it’s just very different from the usual style and pacing of my blog posts — tl;dr and once every like, 6 months. So it might actually be a good thing overall; there would be content on here in between my really long, more thought-out posts, and since some of my longer posts have half been me just summarizing things up until the current time, those longer posts might not end up so long anymore. Ionno. I feel like I don’t do enough in my daily life to have a daily blog, but I guess I can always just switch over to a brain dump if I have nothing to talk about. If anything, it should provide some insight into my thought processes.
Maybe I should start carrying my camera around more often. At least then I’d actually use it. Plus, it would provide me with some media to insert into my posts so it’s not just a massive wall of text. Of course, I could always use my smartphone (and I’m pretty sure the camera on my phone has more MP than my camera), but my camera is in a perfectly usable state, and I feel bad for leaving it just sitting in a drawer for most of the year. That, and sometimes my phone and laptop don’t play nicely when I try to transfer files between the two through a USB cable.
Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure the majority of such pics would just be of my pets, so consider yourself warned.
Hmm, I should also try to do another song cover sometime. I should actually just practice my guitar more often, in general. I’ve added it to my “Habits” list on HRPG, but since it’s not a daily, I’m still letting myself get away with not practicing as much as I should. Same thing goes with learning how to program. That reminds me, I think there was an updated version to the programming book that I supported on Kickstarter. I’ve been dabbling in programming off and on for the past few years (I think the curiosity started when Nightmaren introduced me to Linux way back in freshman year of college), so buying an actual programming book was kinda a way to motivate myself to study it more regularly. I paid money for it, so I should use it, right?!
I’ve noticed I like to use a lot of dashes and parenthetical statements in my sentences. Since I have ADHD, it always annoys me when I come across such things while reading. However, those tend to be references in scientific papers, and so they usually don’t provide any additional insight to the topic being discussed. But when I’m writing a blog or something, I have thoughts interrupting other thoughts so regularly, that there just seems to be no other way around it — and I can’t just leave the interrupting thought out because I consider it to be worth mentioning also.
Speaking of reading scientific/educational texts, eeeeverything seems important when reading educational texts. I’ve started trying to read through the paragraph first to get the gist of what it’s saying, and then go back and highlight relevant information, but it still doesn’t cut down much on what I think should be highlighted. Sometimes I think, “Ohh, this is important because it gives the reason for why the study was performed, so I’ll highlight it. But the following sentence explains why they do this thing in the procedure, so that’s important too, right? Maybe I’ll just highlight it in this other color, then.” “Sometimes” was an understatement. That’s pretty much what I’m thinking all the time when reading through scientific papers. And then with all that multi-colored highlighting the paper is in danger of looking like a rainbow.
I know, I know, bolded words, section headings/titles, things in italics — those are probably things I should highlight. But that just doesn’t feel like enough to me. What usually tends to be the case is that I either highlight nearly everything, or I avoid the stress of trying to figure out what to highlight by just dunning it. I have started to take notes and whatnot in pencil, but it still doesn’t feel like a streamlined and easy process.
Well, that was an unexpected turn of topic. That was kinda fun. Just typing and not planning out what I wanted to say, or agonizing over wording and syntax. This was nice. I hope you readers enjoyed it on some level too, but if you didn’t, well it doesn’t matter (much)! It’s my blog, I write for me, and so I’ll do whatever the heck I want!
That being said, I do appreciate any comments, and thanks for even taking the time to read my blog in the first place. Until next time (maybe even tomorrow?!)~
I feel like I need to have a sign-off on these things. Maybe I’ll just end it with —
DUN IT.
(Fun fact, I just did a numerology thing on my name after reading the inspiration for Balance‘s online handle and this is what I got. How accurate does it sound?)
Phineas Gage
So I’ve been studying for my neuroanatomy final for tomorrow. One of the topics covered in this unit is the functions of the various cerebral cortices. Higher-order function cortices, to be specific.
I have ADHD, which involves an impairment in the prefrontal cortex (PFC).
So while reviewing the slides on the PFC, I get to where we talk about results of lesions to specific areas of the PFC.
I mean, I was already aware of most of this stuff.
But then I saw the name “Phineas Gage” in my notes. He’s the go-to example for what can happen to a person after receiving damage to the orbitofrontal area (OFC) of the PFC.
And then it hit me – I’m ADHD = I have an impaired PFC = I have an impaired OFC = I’M FUSKING PHINEAS GAGE.
I know, it’s pretty obvious, but for some reason I didn’t make the connection until now. And I guess it just stunned me because in general, society doesn’t seem to take ADHD diagnoses very seriously. “It’s overdiagnosed”, “you’re just using it as an excuse to be lazy”, “you faked the diagnosis so you could get the Adderall”, etc. And most are only aware of its effects in an academic setting.
I was only diagnosed about a year and a half ago, and I still sometimes question whether I truly have it, or if I’ve just convinced myself that I do. So I guess suddenly comparing myself to a well-known patient who received damage to the same area in which I have an impairment just made me realize the potential severity of problems that people with ADHD can have.
Ironically, it’s comforting. Of course, I’ll still beat myself up over making impulse purchases, playing video games (or blogging on Tumblr) when I should be studying, being unable to control my temper, not being able to study unless when procrastinating (if even then), spending an hour on an email that should only take 10 minutes max, etc.
But it’s nice to be reassured that my problems aren’t insignificant, that I’m not a failure at life because I’m having so much difficulty doing things that other people do easily or out of habit (e.g., eating regular meals, doing the dishes, taking a shower, getting out of the fusking bed). It’s nice to be able to give myself proof that I have good reason to feel bad about myself.
Wait wat. That last sentence makes sense on some level, I know it does! :<
And of course, this post that was only supposed to take like 10-15 minutes ended up taking an hour (or more?) because ADHD. WOOT.
If anyone’s curious, here’s the link to the paper I used for those paragraph images about Phineas Gage and the OFC. And yes, those of you who came from my twitter, I made a post from the thing I tweeted like an hour ago.
I’m a Scientist, Not a Doctor.
After spending most of August cramming for my second retake of the infamous MCAT, life as a grad student has been pretty. . . lazy? I know I have lots of stuff I could be working on for classes, but it’s hard maintaining a grip on time when each class only meets one a week. And considering that I already have difficulty with that as is, it’s probably fairly safe to say that grad school is totally throwing me for a loop.
I’ve only just realized that it’s time to start registering for spring classes, and that was because the administrative assistant of my grad program kindly sent out an email informing grad students of if, along with the necessary forms we’d need to fill out in order to register for classes next semester.
Safe to say I was completely surprised, and I’m still not sure I’ve accepted this information.
So I’ve been kinda MIA for a few months. My summer was pretty busy — graduation stuff, visiting home because we discovered that my dad had prostate cancer (luckily, we found it in the early stages, and he was able to have it surgically removed), and cramming (again) for the MCAT.
I’m sure you’ve noticed the title for this blog by now (if you hadn’t already — should’ve been the first thing you read, right?), and you might be wondering what that means. After all, didn’t I just say that I spent part of my summer cramming for the MCAT? The SOP for my application to the master’s program even said that I was planning on entering med school following completion of the program, so I obviously was pre-med and wanted to be a doctor. There it is. Was. I was pre-med, and I wanted to be a doctor. Past tense.
I briefly mentioned in my last vlog that I started working in a lab at the end of the spring semester. Maybe if my summer had been less busy (I was driving from Dallas to Brenham practically every week in June), I would’ve noticed sooner that I really enjoyed working in a lab. Well, that lab in particular, but working in that lab also made me realize exactly how much I love learning about neuroscience. Apparently I love it more than helping people. Or, at least, more than helping people in a career where I’d undoubtedly be full of self-doubt and always wondering if I could’ve done this, or should’ve done that. I wasn’t particularly fond of the idea of residency and working long hours. Yeah, the nuggets of happiness and fulfillment that come from seeing that you’ve made a difference in someone’s life are amazing, but I don’t think I have the type of personality that’s able to withstand the emotionally taxing aspects of being in medicine. I already make sure that my self-esteem stays kinda low, I don’t need all of that stress to make it even lower. I just know that I’d be the type of doctor who lets medicine completely take over her life, always stressing about her patients and being unable to maintain a healthy distance from it. As someone who intends to have a family at some point in the future, that’s not fair to anyone.
I guess the bottom line was that I couldn’t see myself as being truly happy if I were to pursue medicine as a career. I don’t think I would dislike it necessarily, but I too easily see myself being perpetually stressed about patients, or not being able to spend time with my family for a birthday or holiday because I was unable to request the day off. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that I already have trouble maintaining a healthy balance between work and personal life, so I’m sure I would be much worse at it as a (medical) doctor. I know I’d burn myself out.
So I’ve spent a majority of this semester just hashing that whole thought-process out, making sure the idea of pursuing a PhD wasn’t attractive just because it was novel. I’m still trying to convince myself that I’m not “running” from medicine as a career, or that I’m too weak-willed to overcome the rigors of medical school. Part of the strategy for that is telling myself that it takes some degree of strength to face these faults and make the decision that’s right for you.
Anyway, if that all was a little tl;dr for you, here’s a nice, quick, bullet-point list giving the main reasons for me deciding to go for a PhD instead of an MD/DO.
Why I chose PhD over MD :
- I love neuroscience.
- Studies are more self-directed. (I learn what I want. Meaning neuroscience. Just neuroscience.)
- If I work as a TA/RA during my PhD studies, it covers my tuition and gives me some extra to live off of. (I can lessen the financial burden on my parents.)
- Work hours are more flexible. (I work when I want.)
- Medicine is still an option after finishing my PhD.
I will say that I’ve been pretty happy since making the decision to pursue a PhD, and that I’ve also been much more proactive in finding out what I need to do to apply to PhD programs than I ever was for the med school application process. Now I need to work on getting myself focused on classes again, as well as establishing a more healthy lifestyle and getting back up to a healthy weight. ‘Cause holy heeby-geebies, I’ve really lost a lot of weight since starting Adderall last fall. It didn’t hit me how big the amount was until I found myself spending consecutive days mainly in bed because I didn’t have the energy to do anything else. In fact, I missed my class last Monday because I got nauseous whenever I got up or even sat up for any length of time. Even lying in bed was getting tiresome. At one point I fell asleep on my bedroom floor. Using a 3-skein yarn pack as a pillow. Yep.
I’ve been alternating days off of Adderall this past week, and I’ve found myself eating so much/often that I’m thinking about adding a “mad-munchies” category to The Watch Glass where I document all the stuff I’ve eaten that day. (I’ve actually kinda been doing that already through the Android app for Blipfoto. Maybe I’ll just stick with that. Also, I have way too many different social website accounts.) I also started counseling again through my university’s counseling center (12 sessions/year are included in the tuition), so hopefully I’ll be able to get myself back on track. I’ve definitely seen an increase in motivation to do mundane things (like cook for myself lols) since my mad-munchies fest, so that’s a good sign.
Note to self: don’t ever vlog again while driving. What are you, stupid?