Category: Relationships

All right, the way I have things planned, part 7 will be the last post — and I’m about 90% sure it will akshually be the last one. This post was supposed to be the second half of Part 5, but lo and behold, I found enough to say about Nightmaren to warrant them having their own post.

About 2 years ago, I wrote this post about online friends and how I’d never really made any before, in spite of having tried a few MMOs (which seem to be where a lot of online friends are made). And earlier this spring, I hinted in this post that I had become really close to some of the people in a guild I had joined. I’m still surprised that I began talking in the guild chat pretty freely within such a short period of time. I can only hypothesize that it was easier for me to become comfortable in the guild for the phone game because of the fact that there were only about 15 other members by the time I joined, and out of those, only 6-8 of them frequented the chat room. In comparison, MMO guilds tend to be much larger, and plus there are always other players outside of the guild that are present in the public chat. Even if there’s no interaction with them, I guess it still feels the same as being in a room full of people for me — which just activates my wallflower mode.

But I (kinda) digress. This post is dedicated to Kaili and Tali, the two friends I’ve made in the guild. In spite of us having known each other for only about 8 months, I am as close to them as I am with all the other friends I’ve mentioned in this series. I think this was possible for me because I felt no need to uphold any pretenses given that we were all people who took a phone game a tad too seriously — comparatively, I felt a need to prove my intelligence to the friends I made in college. I don’t know exactly why, aside from the context of meeting in an academic setting.

Regardless, I made Kaili and Tali aware of my shortcomings pretty much from the beginning of our friendship, and I’m sure that a lot of our bonding was a result of us being so open about our own faults. And while we’re all a little low on self-esteem, we’re also pretty good at pointing out when one of us is being too hard on ourselves.

So I just realized that I might be codependent, or have codependent tendencies. I’m pretty sure I used to be, if I’m not anymore — and if so, that’s only thanks to all these friends that I’ve made. Another topic for another post, though I feel like I’ve probably inadvertently touched upon the subject past blogs.

Okay, back to the topic. Kaili and Tali have helped me become more confident in myself over the past few months through various ways. I’d say letting me sing at them for hours over Skype is one of the main ones. Being nonjudgmental of me is one of the others. I feel like snapchat should be included somewhere in this list as well. My mind is having trouble working at the moment.

You know how when you binge on a TV show, book series, manga, or anime, you go on a roller coaster of emotions, but afterwards have trouble remembering exactly what happened? That’s kinda how my friendship with these two feels. I know we’ve been through quite a bit together, but I’m having trouble remembering exactly what the big events were. I’d say that generally, our friendship consists of a lot of ridiculous random conversations, ridiculous random conversations + alcohol, open announcements of bodily functions and other body-related things that are generally taboo in public, and a little anime and video games. Which reminds me, I originally got my 3DS XL because I wanted to do online Pokemon battles with them — and also because I was disappoint that Nightmaren wasn’t able to sell me their PS Vita.

The random and ridiculous conversations seem to be a staple of all my friendships. I’m curious as to whether that’s common to close friendships of other people. It seems like an inherent part of close friendships, even if it’s not something that occurs very often. I can’t think of many other ways someone would be able to deem another person a close friend. Then again, I did admit to my brain not being optimally functional at the moment, so I don’t place much weight on my current inability to think of other possibilities.

Of one thing, I am sure — meeting Kaili and Tali gave me some much needed socialization and practice in being more open about myself. They’ve given me the (constant) support and encouragement I needed to start making the bigger life changes in my efforts to find ways to work around my ADHD. In fact, Kaili was the one who told me about Habit RPG, so you indirectly have her to thank for me actually posting semi-regularly this past summer.

Next post is the last one in this series! For srs. After that, we’ll be returning to the daily “750 Words” posts — at least until the next time I have a definite topic I want to cover.

Geebus, this series has gotten long, but I think we’re finally nearing the end. Part 6 should be the last. At least, I hope it is because this has kinda been exhausting.

Although Nightmaren and I know each other IRL, and have known each other since freshman year of undergrad, they feel more like an internet friend to me. I’d say at least half (if not more) of our communication throughout undergrad was through instant messaging. As such, most of their influence on me deals with how I interact with the internet. I’m pretty sure I have to give them all the credit for me being somewhat able to emulate one of the common dialects of the internet, where letters go missing, and sometimes words too. I don’t do it all that well — it takes a great deal of effort to truly type brokenly — but Nightmaren is a master.

You know, if it weren’t for them, you wouldn’t even be reading this blog right now because it wouldn’t exist. I had a Xanga way back when, but stopped keeping up with it after a few years. The posts on there were also . . . cringe-worthy? I have the posts from that account imported to this blog; they’re just set to private. Maybe one day I’ll make them public, so that you can see how I started and progressed over the years. I may have already given this warning in another post, but a lot of these Xanga posts were bad. There are so many different font colors used, and I’m pretty sure that one post had all the sentences highlighted in random colors.

In any case, after showing me their blog and subsequently finding out that I had blogged in the past, Nightmaren motivated me to start doing it again. Of course, you can see from my blog archive that I haven’t been particularly successful with doing it on a regular basis, but it’s gotten a bit better since the ADHD diagnosis a little over a year and a half ago. Has it already been that long? I know I said it wouldn’t happen quickly, but I feel like I haven’t really made any noteworthy progress at all.

Anyway, whereas Samee and Charlie are the ones who really got me into gaming, Nightmaren was the one who got me to streaming. Not that I do that very often, nor does anyone watch me, but hey, it’s gotten me to interact more with people on the internet . Meaning ones that I don’t already know IRL. Because that has pretty much been the extent of my experience up until this past spring. But I’ll get into that later.

While most of the things I associate with Nightmaren are related to the internet, they also had a singularly grand impact on me in person as the president of Molding Doctors during our senior year of undergrad. Before that year, this organization was rather lackluster, and one of those types that you were a member of mainly so that you could put it on your med school application (back when that was still my goal). I remember that meeting during which they had officer elections — there couldn’t have been more than 10 people, and half of those were running for officer positions. At first, I was probably only glad for Nightmaren winning the presidency because they were my friend. Then, once our senior year started, I was glad because they pretty much completely revamped the way the organization’s events and meetings were conducted, which made it much more energetic and enjoyable.

I should mention now that Nightmaren really enjoys trolling people. They also have an innate flair for it, and make use of it daily. Now, I realize the traditional (urbandictionary) definition of a troll has a negative connotation, and that nowadays someone might accuse someone of being a troll simply for saying or doing something that they don’t agree with. But Nightmaren isn’t either of those types of trolls. After a while of scrolling through the various definitions of a “troll” on urbandictionary, the following one is the closest description to what Nightmaren does.

“Trolling is a hobby in the same vein as prank phone calls, and the true objective of trolling is to be clever and creative in getting a reaction out of the troll victims.”

Let me tell you, Nightmaren is particularly ingenious. Prior to that year, Molding Doctors held a suture clinic every spring for their members to partake in as the “big event” of the year. It was pretty much the only thing they had for attracting new members. Well, Nightmaren created a new event — a mock interview day that a limited number of members could participate in. We recruited faculty and students to act as interviewers, a variety of interview types for the members to experience, and then at the end of the event, they got to keep their evaluation folder so that they could look over the comments the interviewers had made about them. It was a very professional and successful event — and its conception stemmed from Nightmaren’s desire to draw sanics. To truly appreciate the masterpiece that is the SANIC event, read Nightmaren’s post: Life in the F4s L4n3!1 I never expected be an accomplice to one of their trolls; I guess it’s just a testament to their charisma that I enjoyed and am prideful of having helped create an event centered around something that has haunted me ever since I became friends with Nightmaren.

It wasn’t until my first year of grad school — when I was vice president of Molding Doctors — that I could truly appreciate how good of a leader Nightmaren is. By comparing him to Nightmaren, I was able to better identify exactly what it was that made Nightmaren a good leader. I had three full paragraphs about how fail this president was, but this post is supposed to be about Nightmaren, so let’s just leave it at that. Just know that my experience with last year’s president was so frustrating that I just lost all interest in the organization, even though Nightmaren’s younger brother is the president this year (and was secretary last year).

Now, as a result of being friends of Nightmaren and working with them closely through Molding Doctors, I have been subjected to a daily dose of trolling pretty much since the day I first started getting to know them. Thanks to that, I’ve become a bit more tolerant of herpness, as well as (slightly) more likely to partake in any herp activities going on within my vicinity. I suppose I also have to thank Balance for the same reason (though to a lesser extent), since they have aided Nightmaren in administering additional amounts of herp. Many of the webcomics I now follow were discovered by Nightmaren linking me to a particularly herp one. Some examples include: exocomics, GamerCat, and Twogag.

Honestly, Nightmaren’s aptitude for herp goes beyond what I could ever convey through words. It’s something that has to be experienced (ideally firsthand) to be truly understood. And while I’m sure I’ve left out quite a few things I’ve gained from my friendship with them, herp makes up about 95% of our interactions, so it’s a bit difficult to remember what else there is beyond it.

Also, I lied. There will probably be 2 more posts in this series. I hope only 2 more posts.

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Considering that I’ve made 9 posts this summer alone, this HRPG definitely is doing something — you have to admit that’s rather impressive considering that I averaged 8-9 posts a year up until now.

 Of the 3 friends I made during undergrad, last but not least is Charlie. He was actually one of the people who lived in the apartment right next to David, Cameron, and Samee; if I recall correctly, Cameron and David had met Charlie and one of his roommates at some welcome week event during the first week of the semester, or had gone to an event together because they happened to leave their apartments at the same time — in any case, I met Charlie through them. Charlie and Samee were also roommates from sophomore to senior year, and their apartment became the “hangout spot” for the four of us.

I remember getting the four of them — Cameron, Charlie, Samee, and Charlie’s roommate — nerf guns for Christmas so they could play together. That wording sounds kinda weird, and now that I think about it, it was probably pretty unusual to get these three people Christmas gifts when I’d only known them for three or four months. I think I also made birthday cakes. I’m not sure if these gestures were more from the “goodness of my heart”, or more from an attempt to ensure that they continued to have an interest in hanging out with me. I do remember buying the nerf guns on impulse because I was pretty sure that they’d have a ton of fun pelting each other with foam bullets for at least one night. I dunno. I like seeing people happy as a result of something I did.

I feel like I know Charlie the least. Due to circumstances explained in previous posts, I got to know Cameron and Samee fairly well as individuals during freshman year. With Charlie, I only ever saw him in a group setting. In addition to that, he’s a pretty quiet and stoic person, so altogether it made getting to know him rather difficult. Honestly, I’m still not quite sure what he thinks of me beyond the fact that we’re friends. For example, if Samee were to briefly describe me to a non-mutual friend, it would probably be something along the lines of “herp and fat.” Cameron’s would likely have something about neuroscience, music, or over-thinking things. I have literally no idea how Charlie would describe me, or what kind of impression I’ve had on him.

Whereas I alternated between relying on Cameron and Samee for moral support during undergrad, Charlie has helped me during this first year of grad school. Samee and Cameron both moved away for med school (though Samee is just barely an hour away), while Charlie and I both stayed to do our master’s degrees. I’m not sure how much their leaving impacted Charlie, but I’ll be honest — I was kinda devastated. The academic shift between undergrad and grad school was as jarring as the shift between high school and college, I had a harrowing end to a romantic relationship, a sudden interest in research — and as a result, a struggle to decide if I truly wanted to be a doctor, or if I would be better suited and happier as a researcher/professor — and I’d lost my primary sources of moral support. I know I didn’t lose them — they’re still my friends and we still talk a lot — but distance certainly puts a damper on things. Charlie has a few other friends here, but those three were pretty much all I had during undergrad. I won’t lie; it’s been a pretty lonely year, and just thinking about it for too long can make me cry.

Anyway, Charlie and I have hung out more over this past year. I feel like I haven’t gotten to know him that much better than I did before; most of what we do consists of either me watching him play a video game, or bonding over sporadic conversations about our vague plans for the future and the tediousness of grad school. However, hanging out with Charlie always has this lighthearted quality to it that has probably kept me from completely breaking from the stress of everything. It’s kept me grounded. I think if Charlie had also moved away after graduation, I would’ve become a complete hermit. I had 4 years to forge these friendships; by comparison, the 2 years that it takes to complete my master’s program doesn’t feel like enough time to build a similarly strong friendship. And the cowardly part of me would rather spare myself an additional painful separation. Besides, I don’t know how to make friends. I don’t know how I became friends with these three, what made them continue to want to talk to me, to hang out with me. Whatever it is that they see in me, it seems that not many other people do.

Ohai thar, low self-esteem.

Aside from all that, I’ve come to appreciate a wider variety of games, as well as experience more aspects of gaming culture, as a result hanging out with Charlie. I’ve watched Charlie play a fair number of games over the years, and while some (or most?) were pretty weird and wtf, they were all interesting in some way or another. Some of the most memorable moments of the four of us together are from us hanging out at Charlie and Samee’s apartment, playing co-op games like LittleBigPlanet and Rayman Origins, or watching Charlie play one of his games that was a little weirder than usual (Catherine). I guess Sonic Shuffle was also fun too, on some very very minute level.

As for the gaming culture, last year Charlie invited me to go with him and his other friends to SGC, which is a gaming convention held annually in Dallas. The only other convention I’d ever been to was A-kon in 2012. By comparison, SGC is smaller, less hectic, and more laid back, all of which made me enjoy SGC more than I enjoyed A-kon. Going to the panels of some well-known gamers on YouTube felt more intimate, since the rooms weren’t packed to the brim with people. It was interesting to see the various games people were working on in the Indie Heaven room, and I was able to sample a variety of games since they had an entire room with consoles for people to play. Not to mention all of the old-school arcade booths.

Before college, I’d only played pokemon, a few zelda games, and some Crash Bandicoot. I didn’t even know what Steam was until spring semester of freshman year, when Samee, Charlie, and Cameron started going to the Arts and Technology Building to play games together on the computers. I’d never played any computer games before then either, unless you count a few random levels of Chip’s Challenge and Ecco the Dolphin. So I have to thank Charlie and Samee for adding more substance and variety to my life through the games that they have recommended and/or given to me. Gaming has become an integral part of my life, and I don’t think it would have been as rich or fulfilling without the two of them.

Saaaaapppyyyyyyy.