The Ones Who Matter (Part 6)

All right, the way I have things planned, part 7 will be the last post — and I’m about 90% sure it will akshually be the last one. This post was supposed to be the second half of Part 5, but lo and behold, I found enough to say about Nightmaren to warrant them having their own post.

Again, I did not expect a mere phone game to become such an integral part of my life. I haven’t been playing it as intensely since the start of this semester, but I still log on at least once a day.

About 2 years ago, I wrote this post about online friends and how I’d never really made any before, in spite of having tried a few MMOs (which seem to be where a lot of online friends are made). And earlier this spring, I hinted in this post that I had become really close to some of the people in a guild I had joined. I’m still surprised that I began talking in the guild chat pretty freely within such a short period of time. I can only hypothesize that it was easier for me to become comfortable in the guild for the phone game because of the fact that there were only about 15 other members by the time I joined, and out of those, only 6-8 of them frequented the chat room. In comparison, MMO guilds tend to be much larger, and plus there are always other players outside of the guild that are present in the public chat. Even if there’s no interaction with them, I guess it still feels the same as being in a room full of people for me — which just activates my wallflower mode.

But I (kinda) digress. This post is dedicated to Kaili and Tali, the two friends I’ve made in the guild. In spite of us having known each other for only about 8 months, I am as close to them as I am with all the other friends I’ve mentioned in this series. I think this was possible for me because I felt no need to uphold any pretenses given that we were all people who took a phone game a tad too seriously — comparatively, I felt a need to prove my intelligence to the friends I made in college. I don’t know exactly why, aside from the context of meeting in an academic setting.

Regardless, I made Kaili and Tali aware of my shortcomings pretty much from the beginning of our friendship, and I’m sure that a lot of our bonding was a result of us being so open about our own faults. And while we’re all a little low on self-esteem, we’re also pretty good at pointing out when one of us is being too hard on ourselves.

So I just realized that I might be codependent, or have codependent tendencies. I’m pretty sure I used to be, if I’m not anymore — and if so, that’s only thanks to all these friends that I’ve made. Another topic for another post, though I feel like I’ve probably inadvertently touched upon the subject past blogs.

Okay, back to the topic. Kaili and Tali have helped me become more confident in myself over the past few months through various ways. I’d say letting me sing at them for hours over Skype is one of the main ones. Being nonjudgmental of me is one of the others. I feel like snapchat should be included somewhere in this list as well. My mind is having trouble working at the moment.

You know how when you binge on a TV show, book series, manga, or anime, you go on a roller coaster of emotions, but afterwards have trouble remembering exactly what happened? That’s kinda how my friendship with these two feels. I know we’ve been through quite a bit together, but I’m having trouble remembering exactly what the big events were. I’d say that generally, our friendship consists of a lot of ridiculous random conversations, ridiculous random conversations + alcohol, open announcements of bodily functions and other body-related things that are generally taboo in public, and a little anime and video games. Which reminds me, I originally got my 3DS XL because I wanted to do online Pokemon battles with them — and also because I was disappoint that Nightmaren wasn’t able to sell me their PS Vita.

I should've been paid for that work lols.
I got really intense with the guild conquest events for a while. *Really* intense.

The random and ridiculous conversations seem to be a staple of all my friendships. I’m curious as to whether that’s common to close friendships of other people. It seems like an inherent part of close friendships, even if it’s not something that occurs very often. I can’t think of many other ways someone would be able to deem another person a close friend. Then again, I did admit to my brain not being optimally functional at the moment, so I don’t place much weight on my current inability to think of other possibilities.

Of one thing, I am sure — meeting Kaili and Tali gave me some much needed socialization and practice in being more open about myself. They’ve given me the (constant) support and encouragement I needed to start making the bigger life changes in my efforts to find ways to work around my ADHD. In fact, Kaili was the one who told me about Habit RPG, so you indirectly have her to thank for me actually posting semi-regularly this past summer.

Next post is the last one in this series! For srs. After that, we’ll be returning to the daily “750 Words” posts — at least until the next time I have a definite topic I want to cover.

The Ones Who Matter (Part 5)

Geebus, this series has gotten long, but I think we’re finally nearing the end. Part 6 should be the last. At least, I hope it is because this has kinda been exhausting.

Although Nightmaren and I know each other IRL, and have known each other since freshman year of undergrad, they feel more like an internet friend to me. I’d say at least half (if not more) of our communication throughout undergrad was through instant messaging. As such, most of their influence on me deals with how I interact with the internet. I’m pretty sure I have to give them all the credit for me being somewhat able to emulate one of the common dialects of the internet, where letters go missing, and sometimes words too. I don’t do it all that well — it takes a great deal of effort to truly type brokenly — but Nightmaren is a master.

You know, if it weren’t for them, you wouldn’t even be reading this blog right now because it wouldn’t exist. I had a Xanga way back when, but stopped keeping up with it after a few years. The posts on there were also . . . cringe-worthy? I have the posts from that account imported to this blog; they’re just set to private. Maybe one day I’ll make them public, so that you can see how I started and progressed over the years. I may have already given this warning in another post, but a lot of these Xanga posts were bad. There are so many different font colors used, and I’m pretty sure that one post had all the sentences highlighted in random colors.

In any case, after showing me their blog and subsequently finding out that I had blogged in the past, Nightmaren motivated me to start doing it again. Of course, you can see from my blog archive that I haven’t been particularly successful with doing it on a regular basis, but it’s gotten a bit better since the ADHD diagnosis a little over a year and a half ago. Has it already been that long? I know I said it wouldn’t happen quickly, but I feel like I haven’t really made any noteworthy progress at all.

Most of these opportunities presented themselves during MD meetings, since I usually left my laptop unattended as members signed in on it.
If they had access to my laptop, Nightmaren would usually take advantage of the opportunity and make me a sanic wallpaper for my background.

Anyway, whereas Samee and Charlie are the ones who really got me into gaming, Nightmaren was the one who got me to streaming. Not that I do that very often, nor does anyone watch me, but hey, it’s gotten me to interact more with people on the internet . Meaning ones that I don’t already know IRL. Because that has pretty much been the extent of my experience up until this past spring. But I’ll get into that later.

While most of the things I associate with Nightmaren are related to the internet, they also had a singularly grand impact on me in person as the president of Molding Doctors during our senior year of undergrad. Before that year, this organization was rather lackluster, and one of those types that you were a member of mainly so that you could put it on your med school application (back when that was still my goal). I remember that meeting during which they had officer elections — there couldn’t have been more than 10 people, and half of those were running for officer positions. At first, I was probably only glad for Nightmaren winning the presidency because they were my friend. Then, once our senior year started, I was glad because they pretty much completely revamped the way the organization’s events and meetings were conducted, which made it much more energetic and enjoyable.

I should mention now that Nightmaren really enjoys trolling people. They also have an innate flair for it, and make use of it daily. Now, I realize the traditional (urbandictionary) definition of a troll has a negative connotation, and that nowadays someone might accuse someone of being a troll simply for saying or doing something that they don’t agree with. But Nightmaren isn’t either of those types of trolls. After a while of scrolling through the various definitions of a “troll” on urbandictionary, the following one is the closest description to what Nightmaren does.

“Trolling is a hobby in the same vein as prank phone calls, and the true objective of trolling is to be clever and creative in getting a reaction out of the troll victims.”

Let me tell you, Nightmaren is particularly ingenious. Prior to that year, Molding Doctors held a suture clinic every spring for their members to partake in as the “big event” of the year. It was pretty much the only thing they had for attracting new members. Well, Nightmaren created a new event — a mock interview day that a limited number of members could participate in. We recruited faculty and students to act as interviewers, a variety of interview types for the members to experience, and then at the end of the event, they got to keep their evaluation folder so that they could look over the comments the interviewers had made about them. It was a very professional and successful event — and its conception stemmed from Nightmaren’s desire to draw sanics. To truly appreciate the masterpiece that is the SANIC event, read Nightmaren’s post: Life in the F4s L4n3!1 I never expected be an accomplice to one of their trolls; I guess it’s just a testament to their charisma that I enjoyed and am prideful of having helped create an event centered around something that has haunted me ever since I became friends with Nightmaren.

It wasn’t until my first year of grad school — when I was vice president of Molding Doctors — that I could truly appreciate how good of a leader Nightmaren is. By comparing him to Nightmaren, I was able to better identify exactly what it was that made Nightmaren a good leader. I had three full paragraphs about how fail this president was, but this post is supposed to be about Nightmaren, so let’s just leave it at that. Just know that my experience with last year’s president was so frustrating that I just lost all interest in the organization, even though Nightmaren’s younger brother is the president this year (and was secretary last year).

Now, as a result of being friends of Nightmaren and working with them closely through Molding Doctors, I have been subjected to a daily dose of trolling pretty much since the day I first started getting to know them. Thanks to that, I’ve become a bit more tolerant of herpness, as well as (slightly) more likely to partake in any herp activities going on within my vicinity. I suppose I also have to thank Balance for the same reason (though to a lesser extent), since they have aided Nightmaren in administering additional amounts of herp. Many of the webcomics I now follow were discovered by Nightmaren linking me to a particularly herp one. Some examples include: exocomics, GamerCat, and Twogag.

Honestly, Nightmaren’s aptitude for herp goes beyond what I could ever convey through words. It’s something that has to be experienced (ideally firsthand) to be truly understood. And while I’m sure I’ve left out quite a few things I’ve gained from my friendship with them, herp makes up about 95% of our interactions, so it’s a bit difficult to remember what else there is beyond it.

Also, I lied. There will probably be 2 more posts in this series. I hope only 2 more posts.

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

The Ones Who Matter (Part 4)

Considering that I’ve made 9 posts this summer alone, this HRPG definitely is doing something — you have to admit that’s rather impressive considering that I averaged 8-9 posts a year up until now.

 Of the 3 friends I made during undergrad, last but not least is Charlie. He was actually one of the people who lived in the apartment right next to David, Cameron, and Samee; if I recall correctly, Cameron and David had met Charlie and one of his roommates at some welcome week event during the first week of the semester, or had gone to an event together because they happened to leave their apartments at the same time — in any case, I met Charlie through them. Charlie and Samee were also roommates from sophomore to senior year, and their apartment became the “hangout spot” for the four of us.

This is the only picture that I have from undergrad of the three of them together.

I remember getting the four of them — Cameron, Charlie, Samee, and Charlie’s roommate — nerf guns for Christmas so they could play together. That wording sounds kinda weird, and now that I think about it, it was probably pretty unusual to get these three people Christmas gifts when I’d only known them for three or four months. I think I also made birthday cakes. I’m not sure if these gestures were more from the “goodness of my heart”, or more from an attempt to ensure that they continued to have an interest in hanging out with me. I do remember buying the nerf guns on impulse because I was pretty sure that they’d have a ton of fun pelting each other with foam bullets for at least one night. I dunno. I like seeing people happy as a result of something I did.

I feel like I know Charlie the least. Due to circumstances explained in previous posts, I got to know Cameron and Samee fairly well as individuals during freshman year. With Charlie, I only ever saw him in a group setting. In addition to that, he’s a pretty quiet and stoic person, so altogether it made getting to know him rather difficult. Honestly, I’m still not quite sure what he thinks of me beyond the fact that we’re friends. For example, if Samee were to briefly describe me to a non-mutual friend, it would probably be something along the lines of “herp and fat.” Cameron’s would likely have something about neuroscience, music, or over-thinking things. I have literally no idea how Charlie would describe me, or what kind of impression I’ve had on him.

Whereas I alternated between relying on Cameron and Samee for moral support during undergrad, Charlie has helped me during this first year of grad school. Samee and Cameron both moved away for med school (though Samee is just barely an hour away), while Charlie and I both stayed to do our master’s degrees. I’m not sure how much their leaving impacted Charlie, but I’ll be honest — I was kinda devastated. The academic shift between undergrad and grad school was as jarring as the shift between high school and college, I had a harrowing end to a romantic relationship, a sudden interest in research — and as a result, a struggle to decide if I truly wanted to be a doctor, or if I would be better suited and happier as a researcher/professor — and I’d lost my primary sources of moral support. I know I didn’t lose them — they’re still my friends and we still talk a lot — but distance certainly puts a damper on things. Charlie has a few other friends here, but those three were pretty much all I had during undergrad. I won’t lie; it’s been a pretty lonely year, and just thinking about it for too long can make me cry.

This past spring, both Samee and Cameron managed to visit at the same time.

Anyway, Charlie and I have hung out more over this past year. I feel like I haven’t gotten to know him that much better than I did before; most of what we do consists of either me watching him play a video game, or bonding over sporadic conversations about our vague plans for the future and the tediousness of grad school. However, hanging out with Charlie always has this lighthearted quality to it that has probably kept me from completely breaking from the stress of everything. It’s kept me grounded. I think if Charlie had also moved away after graduation, I would’ve become a complete hermit. I had 4 years to forge these friendships; by comparison, the 2 years that it takes to complete my master’s program doesn’t feel like enough time to build a similarly strong friendship. And the cowardly part of me would rather spare myself an additional painful separation. Besides, I don’t know how to make friends. I don’t know how I became friends with these three, what made them continue to want to talk to me, to hang out with me. Whatever it is that they see in me, it seems that not many other people do.

Ohai thar, low self-esteem.

Aside from all that, I’ve come to appreciate a wider variety of games, as well as experience more aspects of gaming culture, as a result hanging out with Charlie. I’ve watched Charlie play a fair number of games over the years, and while some (or most?) were pretty weird and wtf, they were all interesting in some way or another. Some of the most memorable moments of the four of us together are from us hanging out at Charlie and Samee’s apartment, playing co-op games like LittleBigPlanet and Rayman Origins, or watching Charlie play one of his games that was a little weirder than usual (Catherine). I guess Sonic Shuffle was also fun too, on some very very minute level.

Charlie is so tall.

As for the gaming culture, last year Charlie invited me to go with him and his other friends to SGC, which is a gaming convention held annually in Dallas. The only other convention I’d ever been to was A-kon in 2012. By comparison, SGC is smaller, less hectic, and more laid back, all of which made me enjoy SGC more than I enjoyed A-kon. Going to the panels of some well-known gamers on YouTube felt more intimate, since the rooms weren’t packed to the brim with people. It was interesting to see the various games people were working on in the Indie Heaven room, and I was able to sample a variety of games since they had an entire room with consoles for people to play. Not to mention all of the old-school arcade booths.

Before college, I’d only played pokemon, a few zelda games, and some Crash Bandicoot. I didn’t even know what Steam was until spring semester of freshman year, when Samee, Charlie, and Cameron started going to the Arts and Technology Building to play games together on the computers. I’d never played any computer games before then either, unless you count a few random levels of Chip’s Challenge and Ecco the Dolphin. So I have to thank Charlie and Samee for adding more substance and variety to my life through the games that they have recommended and/or given to me. Gaming has become an integral part of my life, and I don’t think it would have been as rich or fulfilling without the two of them.

Saaaaapppyyyyyyy.

The Ones Who Matter (Part 3)

Well, so much for “tomorrow” from my last post. And it’s pretty much a given that the next 2 people I’ll be talking about will each have their own entry. You can’t just shove three friendships of 4+ years into one post. Or at least, I can’t. Because I’m always tl;dr, you know.

I think we got the whole week off for "snow days" because Texans don't know how to handle snow.
That doesn’t even look like it could be in Texas, does it? (Unless it was the panhandle.)

Anyway, Samee was the next person I met, and another of David’s roommates. Now that I think about it, the start to us hanging out was also rather weird. Of course, I had first met him during those moving-in days before classes started, but he was rather studious, and didn’t hang out often with everyone during freshman year. I didn’t actually start getting to know him until a month or two into the fall semester.

I think how it started was that I had left my keys in my chair during one general chemistry lecture and didn’t realize it. And I didn’t realize I had lost my keys until after they had closed. Of course, I had roommates, so they could’ve let me into the apartment, but we all locked our bedroom doors when we left the apartment, so there was no getting into my room; somehow I felt more comfortable asking Samee if I could crash in his room rather than just sleeping on the couch in my own apartment.

I was never particularly close to my roommates. I mainly attribute it to a difference in interests. They were great roommates, and I’m glad that they were the people I got matched with — I just really liked video games and anime, and they didn’t really do any of that. Plus, I am innately intimidated by girls. I think someone once told me it was probably because there are so many more social rules with females compared to males. I’ll believe it.

So, that day that I lost my keys and that night I crashed in Samee’s room, I remember falling asleep while actively having a conversation with Samee. I mention this because usually talking with someone wakes me up, and it is the only time I can really remember ever having been the person to fall asleep during a late night conversation. I think after that, I began to sit in on the gen chem section that Samee was in, since his professor was so much better than mine. I *did* try to take good notes, but there were also a lot of derp comics of prinnies and the like.

It was actually from Samee that I learned the words “herp” and “derp”. He’s also one of those types of people who is intelligent, but generally acts goofy because it’s fun for him and he likes to troll people. (I could actually probably say that of all my friends, but him especially.) As a result of hanging out with him so much during undergrad, a little bit of those qualities have also rubbed off on me. Don’t get me wrong, I do still probably care too much about what others think of me, but I’m much more comfortable than I was before about just acting silly in public.

Samee also helped me become more open-minded in general. He introduced me to Linux, and for a little while, I tried it. I also liked it, but eventually I got too annoyed by the formatting differences when opening a Word document in Open Office. He also introduced me to a wide variety of games. I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point during my relationship with David, I became a Nintendo fangirl. I find it weird because I had at least an equal amount of experience with a playstation as I did to Nintendo products prior to college. Maybe it had something to do with me only having ever owned Nintendo consoles.

I actually stole this from his Facebook profile pictures.
Samee has this reputation of being dang stylish at his med school. Couldn’t you see this being on an ad for prescription glasses?

In any case, due to him and my ADHD impulsiveness, in the spring semester of freshman year, I bought a PSP slim off of eBay, and it was one of the best and worst decisions ever. “Best” because I have played so many great games since getting it, and I still love it and have a queue of games that still need to be finished. “Worst” because oh my Lord of the Rings, did it totally distract me from focusing on classes.

I guess both Samee and Cameron also got me more into anime. Having only really watched Naruto up until that point, they were able to give me plenty of recommendations, which also distracted me from classes. Once I start an anime or manga, I usually marathon the series until I either finish it or catch up to the most recently released chapter/episode. (This also goes for TV shows.) I enjoyed most of the games and anime that they both recommended, and quite a few of them gave good food-for-thought. For example, Persona 3 Portable got me through a really tough time last fall, and I should probably dedicate a post to it at some point.

As much as Samee liked to help me dun, he also cared about my academics. We were both premed, and he was the one who told me about Molding Doctors. I can’t remember how much I’ve spoken about MD on here, but I was a member since sophomore year, treasurer during senior year, and vice president during my first year of grad school (last year). Needless to say, it was a large part of my undergraduate life, and since Samee was also a member and fellow officer during those years, a great deal of my memories of him are during MD events. (And then I will not go into any detail of any of those memorable events at all. Deal with it.)

I don’t think I said anything about how he actually cared for my academics in that paragraph. I can’t really remember much of it either, aside from him suggesting things to try that might help me study better. And of course, I’m still trying to figure that crap out. He actually suggested OneNote to me a few days ago for srs note-taking, so we’ll see how that goes.

However, I will say that he was pretty receptive during that time that I was having an identity crisis about whether or not I have ADHD. He was skeptical at first, but that rather quickly became general inquisitiveness. As motivated as I already was to learn more about ADHD and tips geared towards those with ADHD, his interest in learning about it motivated me even more. And it’s always, always, always encouraging when the people closest to you don’t judge you or dismiss you when you think you might have a disorder that many believe is fake or made up. It allows you to focus on the changes you want to make to work with yourself, rather than distracting you by tearing at your self-esteem. At least, that’s the way it is/was with me.

I guess the bottom line is that he has pretty much always given me his support in his own uniquely troll-ish way and continues to do so. I feel the quality of this post is lacking — it feels more aimless than usual, but I know that all of the posts in this series won’t do sufficient justice to the people I talk about. You guys have given me more and mean more to me than I will ever be able to adequately express in words. Just remember that as you read through this series.

In conclusion — as if this were some kind of analysis paper (an analysis of my life?) — this is the worst transition ever and this paragraph is completely irrelevant to the rest of this post. I took a break on HRPG for the past month or two because ~summer~, but fall classes started today for me, so look forward to seeing more regular posts from me again. Hopefully.

Baby steps.

The Ones Who Matter (Part 2)

I doubt I’ll be able to fit all these people into just 2 parts, so bear with me if this ends up being something like a 5-part series. I’ll try to keep all of these close to 750 words, though. Honestly, it’d probably help me organize things better as opposed to trying to make this one huge post.

In 2011, there was a huge snowstorm in Texas. So here’s Cameron having fun with icicles.

Anyway, Cameron was the one I met first. I scrolled through almost 6,000 Facebook messages to see if I could screenshot the ultra creeper message I sent to him when I found out that he would be one of David’s roommates, but apparently those messages only go back to sometime in the spring of 2011. Bummer.

Kudos to past me for being ballsy enough to message these guys in the first place and not care what they thought of me. Part of present me wants to say it was mostly because I had a boyfriend at the time, so I wasn’t really actively trying to make friends and impress people. Or maybe past me truly was more outgoing and bold. Or maybe it was because I was embarking on a new chapter of my life, and having gone through high school just waiting for college where I could meet a wider variety of people, I was just ready to start things with a bang. Anyways, I digress.

I have no idea what Cameron’s first impression of this creepy girl was, but I doubt either of us expected to become such close friends. In fact, I’d say that goes for all 3 of the guys who became my friends. But it’s just a little more surprising with Cameron given our awkward beginning.

I should note that David and I broke up within the first 2 or 3 months of freshman year. Long story short, he was very clingy. And then after we’d been broken up, I heard things that he’d done while we were still together that made it clear that he was clingier than I thought. For example, there was a huge thunderstorm one time, and he randomly showed up to my apartment. My roommates later told me he claimed that I called him over because I was scared or something like that.

Such a pretty princess. Or I guess he could be a prince, but that expression seems more like a princess.

Anyway, he was clingy, and he was my first boyfriend, and I had no experience with it, and I don’t like hurting people if I can help it. So the breakup was this huge messy ordeal where I tried to break up with him but he convinced me to do this trial dating period thing (like in Friends, if any of you watched that show). Cameron was there for all of that.

And he continued to be there for me whenever I’d bottled up my stress and frustration for too long and gone into a self-deprecating spiral of depression. He would sit there with me and just wait, even though most of the time I just sat there in silence because everything was too jumbled for me to even be able to vent properly. He’d sit there and hug me and wait, even when he was sniffling and crying and having trouble breathing because I had pets and his allergies are horrible.

And when I’d finally utter something intelligible, he’d give me his thoughts on the matter and not judge me for it.

It wasn’t really until junior year that we really started to become close. Freshman year, it was a lot of hanging out as a group. Sophomore year, we didn’t have any classes together, and as a result, I didn’t see him often outside of the sporadic group hangout. That was also the year I tried figuring out how to study, so I wasn’t very sociable that year, as far as I can remember.

We didn’t talk as often or regularly as I’d liked — mainly because in those periods of non-communication, I start to wonder if I’m being a bother, or if I did something to make the other person dislike me. But Cameron is the sort of friend where the relationship is just as strong as it always was, no matter how long it’s been since the last time you’ve talked to him or seen him. Of course, it wasn’t until the end of senior year that I finally began to believe and trust in that.

Expecto Patronum! Or something like that, yeah?
Somebody’s found themselves a wand. Which way to Hogwarts?

Anyway, Cameron also majored in neuroscience, and in junior year we had some of the same classes. Aside from talking about how cool neuroscience was and possible medical and ethical issues that might be applicable, we also talked about a lot of random stuff. Cameron is a pretty open-minded and non-judgmental individual, so I felt comfortable discussing a variety of different things with him.

It’s probably because of him that I’m more open about myself when meeting new people. More open and more capable of putting my thoughts into words (without as long of a waiting time).

He’s also probably the reason why I’ve become more comfortable with singing in front of people — I believe it was him who first heard me singing quietly while watching some other people play Rock Band during freshman year. Anyways, he told me I had a good voice; that combined with his unabashed singing and guitar-playing eventually gave me enough confidence to be comfortable with singing in front of him, which then made me more comfortable with singing in front of other people. (And now some people couldn’t shut me up if they tried.) So comfortable, in fact, that we occupied the gazebo on campus and sang random stuff when he visited during his spring break this past April.

Well, this post is nearing 1000 words and I’ve only talked about one person. I guess y’all can look forward to this being (at least) a 5-part series after all!

Until tomorrow~

DUN.

The Ones Who Matter (Part 1)

Ahhh, I went strong for almost a week. I apologize for missing my daily 750 word posts the past two days, but my parents were in town and I didn’t want to be sitting on my laptop blogging when I should’ve been spending time with them.

I hope you all had a happy July 4th! Mine was pretty much a regular day, with the added bonus of spending time with my parents. Meaning homemade food, having my gas tank refilled for me, and grocery and clothes shopping with my parents. That seems to be the usual course of events whenever they come to visit me here in Dallas.

Even though my parents had driven back home on Saturday, I spent the rest of that day plus Sunday catching up on sleep. I guess all the crappy quality sleep I’d been getting up until last weekend plus the return of Adderall on Thursday and Friday was just too much for my body to handle anymore. Today I slowly tried to get back into the swing of things with HRPG (I checked myself into the inn on Saturday to give myself a break).

I’ll try to wake up early enough tomorrow to take my Adderall; I really didn’t do anything productive aside from update recruitment posts and whatnot for my guild on AGG. And of course, that’s not truly productive — I mean, I still have to sign up for classes in the fall and find a job. If anything, I’ve just been procrastinating by using AGG duties. (I’m still in the process of convincing myself that starting with AGG stuff was my way of easing myself back into being productive.)

I apologize for the lack of images to break up the wall of text in this blog, but I neglected to take pictures of anything today. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to keep this post close to 750 words. (In true tl;dr girl fashion, half of my 750 word posts have been over 1000 words long.)

Somehow in the past day or so, I got to thinking about how I’ve changed while growing up, and the people who were influential in some of the major transitions I went through in life.

Beth was the first long-lasting friend I’ve ever had. I didn’t meet her until I was 13, when I transferred to her school. With both of us being in a small private school out in the middle of nowhere, our class was a whopping 9 or 10 people in size, and we were the smartest students in the class. There wasn’t anyone else nearly as smart as us, so I guess that probably had some part in us becoming so close.

When I transferred schools again in 10th grade, we didn’t talk much outside of holidays. But when we hung out, it was as if we’d never really been apart. At first, it bothered me, not really talking to her regularly throughout the year, but over time, I’ve gotten used to it. And now I know that our friendship won’t have changed in the slightest no matter how long it’s been since we last talked. That’s nice, as well as an important lesson for me to learn, since most of the other friends I’ve made have also turned out to be those kinds of friendships also.

David was my first boyfriend. I’m still not sure exactly what to think about that whole relationship. Past me kinda was on the right track back in the Xanga days when she answered this featured question about when a child should be able to start dating. Yet even though she had that kind of view about it, hormones and whatnot still let her do stupid stuff and there was just so much “what is this I don’t even” that went on in that relationship — particularly during the end of it. But no matter how unsure I still feel about having been with David, all in all, I’m glad I was with him for the time that I was. Without him, I most likely wouldn’t have met the guys who became my best friends throughout college.

And that’s an awkward story in and of itself. I was soooo creeptastic (and still can be).

The summer before freshman year, my college sent each student the info of their roommates so that they could communicate and get to know each other, decide who was going to contribute what kind of furniture to the common areas, etc. Well, after David had found out who his roommates were, I tried to Facebook stalk his roommates to introduce myself and tell them they would probably be seeing a lot of me and whatnot (this is painful to recall lol).

I think I found 2 out of the 3, but only one replied. That would be Cameron.

And now this post is nearing 800 words, so I will have to continue this story tomorrow. Until then~

DUN.

A Sound Soul Dwells Within a Sound Mind and a Sound Body

 

I got this as a tattoo in December (2013) to remind myself that I need to care for myself both mentally and physically.

 

The title of this post (and the line in the image above) are a quote taken from the Soul Eater manga. It’s a central theme, and in the anime, this line is repeated at the beginning of each episode. I was first introduced to the series during my senior year of high school which was – holy crap – 5  years ago.

I had always appreciated the holistic perspective that this sentence presents regarding one’s well-being, but when I was diagnosed with ADHD and first starting medication for it about a year and a half ago, it became a sort of mantra. Since I was (and still am) prescribed Adderall, I had difficulty sleeping and a suppressed appetite due to the side effects. I still experience those even now, but to a lesser extent — and those first few weeks (or was it months?) were especially rough. In this post, where I first revealed my diagnosis and the sleep/appetite troubles I was having, I even stated that “[s]eeing as a healthy diet, good night’s sleep, and regular exercise are essential in maintaining good health for normal people, the same goes for people suffering from a [mental] disorder.” (Also, wtf, “revealed”? This isn’t some magic show, self.)

Well, I don’t exercise any more than I did back then (i.e., not at all), I’m doing fairly well at maintaining a consistent sleep schedule — or at least, I have been for the past few weeks — and while I still don’t eat as much as I should, at least my weight loss has finally plateaued. In terms of taking care of myself, I haven’t really improved much. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve made much headway on being productive, either. At least, not for my own sake. I’ve known this for a while, but I’m much better at caring for myself and being productive when it’s for someone else.

I never would have expected to spend so much time on a trading card game.

Which explains why I went so overboard with making spreadsheets and stuff for a guild I joined at the end of February. Seeing as it’s really the first guild I’ve ever been in, I’m still astonished at how much time and effort I’ve put into it, especially since it’s a phone game. I’ve mentioned once before how I always found it difficult to connect with people the few times I played MMOs, in spite of the anonymity that should theoretically allow me to look and act however I want. Apparently I’m as bad at talking to people online as I am in real life.

But I guess I’m not as bad as I once was. I seem to have gained some self-confidence, since it’s become easier to befriend people than it used to be. I’m more laid-back and easy-going than before — and if you’ve only recently met me and think I’m neither of these, then just imagine how bad I must’ve been in the past. I’m sure that holding an officer position during senior year in a student organization with a flamboyant president who has a flair for trolling — and just having them as one of my closest friends for 4 years — played a large part in that. But I feel that the majority of this progress was a result of coming to terms with having ADHD, and thereby being able to understand myself better from that perspective. Having become more accepting of myself in light of that, I’m more comfortable with the idea of talking about my personal shortcomings and struggles. This is partly to reassure others who are having similar difficulties, as well as to hopefully find a self-improvement partner who will keep me accountable and provide encouragement (and I the same for them). Because trying to bootstrap your way to a better you just doesn’t work when you have a bunch of things you want to improve.

And I think this is why I’ve become surprisingly close to a few of the people in my guild. One thing we all seem to have in common is our low self-esteem. We are all self-deprecating, and it makes me so sad when they talk that way. Having done the same thing many times, both on this blog and IRL, I know how mean we can be to ourselves sometimes. When we talk about each other, we focus on the good qualities the other has, but we are reluctant to let ourselves believe each others’ words, because “they haven’t seen how [insert negative adjective here] I am.”

So my main purpose in writing this post is to tell us all to stop listening to ourselves when we’re in the dumps and have only derogatory marks to say. Because we’re wrong! Everyone has their off days, and we’re not as lowly as we think we are. The things we dislike about ourselves, we can change. It’ll probably be hard as fusk, but it’s possible, and I’ll help in any way I can. And don’t even try to convince yourself that you’re not good at anything, because we’ve all shown that we, at the very least, have the capacity to care a great deal about others. The ability to accept and appreciate each other in spite of each others’ faults. And if your low self-esteem is anything like mine, you feel bad for making others worry about you, but feel glad that they do, and then feel bad that you feel glad about someone worrying about you.

So don’t make me worry about you, and just listen to me when I say that you’re better than you think you are.

Believe in me who believes in you.

And if all that was too tl;dr to read, then I think Pink sums it up perfectly.

(Fail Vlog 6) Breaking the Habit

Disclaimer: Guys, this one’s a doozy of a post. I think it might require some mental preparation on your part. Really. Guys, this post is ~4700 words long. I just wrote a freaking essay.

I’M SO SORRY IT’S SO LONG. As usual, I ramble way too much, and the rambling is probably exacerbated by the fact that I’ve been up  all night. I’m also out of practice, having not vlogged in quite some time. Of course, it only gets worse as the video gets longer! Maybe you should just skip this post. The text/blog portion will be a TL;DR thing anyway. Don’t you like how I speak in run-on sentences? Or if not run-ons, really choppy and stuttered sentences? LOL my voice gets kinda croaky at the end. Wanna see the original take? It’s 2 minutes shorter!

I know that vlogs are supposed to be a kind of standalone thing, but I seem to be unable to just have a vlog by itself. I think it’s only happened once so far. In any case, what with my spectacular speaking abilities, I feel that most of the things I say in the vlog need to be further clarified, or at least more fleshed out.

I’m pretty sure the Batman game was my sister’s, and the Beauty and the Beast one was mine.

So I started with . . . my laptop? After waiting over a month for Lenovo to deliver my laptop, I finally got fed up and canceled my order. Within a week, I found an Asus laptop of similar build and pricing and promptly went to buy it in person from a nearby Microcenter. If you read my last post, you’ll remember that I never really had a chance to play mmos and build online friendships through that. Well, with my new laptop, I’m able to play most of the games that I own. Nightmaren suggested I try Eden Eternal, an mmo that s/he began playing during the summer. After about a week of playing Eden and (for the most part) ignoring the rest of the world, I reached level 40 and grew tired. I’d found a few people with whom I partied with more than once, but they didn’t get on regularly; after a few days of grinding on quests by myself, I stopped logging on regularly also. I kind of feel like MMOs aren’t my style of gaming, but since I’m new to MMO, maybe I just need to give it a second chance. Then again, I’m hesitant because MMOs require time and dedication, and if I focus on MMOs, then I’ll fall behind in my studies. And that’s exactly what I’m trying to prevent, what with the psychiatric appointments and Adderall. I failed to mention it in my second take, but I bought a PS2 bundle off of eBay that came with 2 DDR pads and 4-5 DDR games (and a whole bunch of other games that I don’t really care about). My justification for it was that I could use it to exercise, and since I would have fun playing DDR, I would be more likely to consistently exercise and work my way up to a healthier lifestyle. Well, that hasn’t worked out so far; most of the time, I get the urge to play late at night (10 pm or later), so then I refrain because I don’t want to disturb my downstairs neighbor. Sometimes I wonder if I even have a downstairs neighbor — I’ve never seen anyone enter/exit that apartment, nor seen light filter through their blinds at night. Now I sound like  a stalker. (21:40, took Toto out to go to the restroom and saw that lights were on in the downstairs apartment, so someone does live there. /creeper)

I feel stupid when I take pictures of myself with a normal smile or in a normal pose. So, naturally, I make stupid faces and poses in order to make myself feel less stupid.

In the vlog, I mention that my ex-boyfriend referred me to my psychiatrist. In a past post, I vaguely hinted that my ex and I started dating again. And now we’re not again! Yayyy. I really don’t remember what I said in my vlog and secret vlog regarding this topic, but just to give you the gist: we broke up in October (again), this time more on a mutual note and because, though we enjoy each other’s company, each of us has a peeve that the other can’t/won’t change, which is a big enough peeve to keep us from being compatible as boyfriend/girlfriend. Next item to flesh out is . . . my hair. I think I said all that needed to be said on this topic, but I do have a picture for you to see what my hair looked like with the highlights. And you get to see my “new” glasses! I know they’re pretty hipster-looking, but they’re prescription glasses, and I’ve always liked the look of thick frames. I just didn’t think I could pull it off, and up til now I’ve been getting my glasses solely from my uncle’s business (he’s an optometrist), which has a rather small selection of frames compared to online or even Walmart. Anyway, I got a coupon for a pair of free frames from coastal.com, and their policy is that you can send them back if you don’t like them. Luckily, I like them, so I didn’t have to worry about that. I didn’t notice on the website, but the front corners of the glasses (the silver spots) are math symbols; one is a multiplication sign, the other a division sign. There’s an equal sign on each temple. The color of the highlights looks more reddish in this picture, but the actual color of the dye was fuchsia. I think after a couple of washes the color bled out to this pinkish-red color. The first time I got the highlights (actually, Chris did them for me) was in June, so by the time I (Chris) redid them in August or September, they were pretty faded; however, they faded really prettily, as opposed to some colors/dyes that turn dull or some unflattering shade. Honestly, I liked having the highlights (my parents were of another opinion), but my hair grows too fast for me to really enjoy the look for long. I have to give props to Chris, though. He did the highlights for me both times and was also the one to dye my hair back to a more natural color; I’ve gotten compliments every time.

My mom’s learning how to text! And teaching me Vietnamese at the same time! Lol I referenced Google translate so many times for my responses.

Anyway, that’s enough of my vanity. As promised, I’ve included a screenshot of the text conversation with my mom. Judging by the timestamps, it takes my mom approximately 20 minutes to type out a text. Considering that she’s typing with her pinky (her pinkies are the only fingers with nails short enough to allow for accuracy and precision) and that I only taught her how to use the QWERTY keyboard on Friday night, she’s doing really well! I’m proud of her. And her texts only have one or two typoed words, and that’s just because the android keyboard is trying to predict words for her in English. After some research (sacrificing time that would be better spent doing my bio lab review), I was able to find the Swiftkey Vietnamese Beta (I’ve always used Swiftkey). I haven’t used the Vietnamese keyboard yet (I installed the English language pack also), but hopefully the Vietnamese predictions will be close to conversational Viet. Even if it’s not, as long as you correct it, Swiftkey will learn and adapt to your preference. I hope that it’ll make things easier for my mom when I install it on her phone during Christmas break.

I suggest you stop here and take a break. The following content is a little raw and will probably be heavy going. Sorry for the wall of text.

I really have great parents. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for their unconditional love and support. Sure, they can be a little overbearing sometimes, but they’re entitled to that, with all the things they’ve had to go through as immigrants. Since I can’t seem to motivate myself to care about my studies or future, my knowledge of the hard work they’ve gone through to support and provide for me (without question) should help guilt me into trying harder. It still might not be enough, though. At the end of my psychiatric appointment, the psychiatrist (we’ll call him Dr. Stein) gave me a sheet with general precautions to take with my psychotropic medication, the bottom half of which had an area where the psychiatrist could write recommendations and instructions for the prescription. Along with a titration plan for the Adderall XR (I just noticed today that it’s extended release), Dr. Stein listed a couple of resources that would give me more information about ADHD and strategies to manage it, in addition to the Adderall. While I haven’t found any strategies that are applicable or new to me, I found articles that discuss ADHD symptoms, some of which I now see I’ve had, but didn’t (or refused) to connect to ADHD. Then again, many ADHD symptoms coincide with other disorders, so I couldn’t (and still can’t) say what it is for sure.

1. Lack of motivation/apathy can reflect impairment of executive functions in the brain. When I went to the campus counselor, she thought my apathy was more a result of dysthymia, a mild form of depression. Again, since many ADHD symptoms coincide with depression, I didn’t question it; besides, most of the tips the counselor gave me could alleviate symptoms for both disorders.

2. Disorganization/messiness: I used to think I was a fairly organized person before college. My locker (and desk in grade school) was always neat and organized. I can’t remember how organized I kept my bedroom, but I do remember multiple sleepless nights where papers were scattered all about as I hastily tried to finish a project that was due the next day.

3. Procrastination: My sister claims she was the queen of procrastination. I have no idea how much she procrastinated, but I know that I’ve procrastinated since at least 5th or 6th grade. I procrastinate on washing dishes, taking out the trash, and doing laundry. You could possibly even say that I procrastinate on showering . . . wow, that’s gross. And, of course, studying. I’ve already spent my whole Sunday working on this blog and researching more about ADHD when I have a bio final tomorrow, haven’t finished the review, have a 5-10 page paper due Tuesday, and a paper and exam on Wednesday. There have been times where I clean in order to avoid studying. Priorities.

4. Problems with memory and forgetfulness, lateness: Now, I’m fairly good at recalling random facts or events from the past, so I didn’t think I had any problems with memory/forgetfulness. I’m decent at remembering plans that I’ve made with someone, but I often forget if an assignment is due in class. Sometimes I help answer the phone when I volunteer at the hospital; usually the person on the other end of the line is calling for a report on a patient. They rattle off their name, their department, the patient’s name, and the doctor’s name, and on average, all I remember is the patient and doctor name. Sometimes a call comes in for a patient needing a bed, in which I’m given the patient’s name, the doctor’s name, and the type of surgery. When put the person on hold and notify one of the nurses, usually they ask for at least one of the other details that I’ve already forgotten. Then they end up getting on the line themselves and asking what the person needs. Uhhh, needless to say, I feel useless at those times. As for lateness, I leave for class with just barely enough time to spare. For church, I’m often a few minutes late. With volunteering, I’ve consistently been 15-20 minutes late, with maybe a 5 minute variance. However, I make sure I stay for the four hours I’ve committed to volunteering. Sometimes I forget to pay bills on time, especially if the due date is more towards the middle of the month, rather than the beginning or end. Rent, bills, assignments, exams — I’ve started utilizing my phone more for giving me reminders, but if they’re not in there, they end up being late, or I remember in a panic close to the deadline and end up scrambling to get things done on time. I have a daily planner, but at best, I look at it once a week, which is on Fridays when I know there’ll be periods of doing nothing and can take the time to plan it out. I might place the planner on my desk to check during the rest of the weekend, but by the time Monday rolls around, it’s usually buried under papers.

5. Restless/fidgety: I’ve always had a tendency to bounce one or both of my legs at some point in time, whether sitting or standing. I didn’t think this was abnormal, having grown up with it, and I’ve noticed other people fidget about the same amount in my classes. I do prefer to stand rather than sit down, but I’m not sure if that is really related. Hmm, I guess pen/pencil twirling and tapping also counts as fidgeting.

In first or second grade, when we started learning fractions, I looked at the board and got really confused because what I saw was y2 instead 1/2. I have no idea when I learned or realized that y2 was actually 1/2. I guess my point with that is perhaps that I was inattentive even way back then (which would make sense, since adult ADHD diagnosis requires that symptoms be present during childhood). I mean, the only way you could make that kind of mistake is if you weren’t paying attention, right?
Yay, awkward wall-of-text break!

6. Losing things: I still don’t think I really lose things, but I guess if I often misplace important things such as my phone or keys, then that’s not exactly normal. I “lost” a pocket knife over a year ago, and only recently found it hiding in my high school calc binder. I really have no idea how my knife ended up in the calc binder — I got my knife after I had already finished taking calc.

7. Drives too fast (reckless?): Guilty. I speed almost everywhere, except on the roads that I know are closely monitored. I can have a lead foot at times, reaching up to 85 mph before checking my speedometer and realizing how fast I’m really going (not as much of an issue for long trips; cruise control is great). I would say I’ve made reckless decisions while driving, but that, for the most part, I’m a defensive driver.

8. Impatient/short tempered/mood swings: I always knew that I had a short temper, but it didn’t occur to me that my lack of anger management was abnormal. I didn’t really see myself as impatient, but when I think about it, there have been many times where I grew impatient because someone was explaining something I already knew, people didn’t fulfill my (high) expectations, or I was asked to repeat myself. As for mood swings, they’re generally from happy or content to super pissed. Rarely is it the other way around. I can remember a couple of times when I’ve gone from content to depressed. I hate driving during the day because I get so impatient with other drivers. A blinker before you start breaking would be nice! Or if I drive on the shoulder to let you pass me on a  two-lane road, how ’bout a flash of your hazard lights to show your appreciation? If you think a wave of your hand will suffice, then maybe you’ve forgotten how tinted your windows are. And why the heck are we slowing down to 20 mph on the highway if there’s no car wreck or construction to avoid? Uhh, so yeahh, my temper has many opportunities to flare when I drive.

9. Impulsiveness: Again, I haven’t really seen myself as a particularly impulsive person, but purchases I’ve made, such as my DS, PSP, Kindle Fire, PS2, teeth whitening gel, Steam games, a sports video camera, navel ring, dog toys, cat toys, my cat Jager, things for knitting and crocheting (that I haven’t touched in months), a Fossil watch, cheap jewelry, a new laundry basket (when the only thing wrong with the old one was that the cat peed on it and I was too lazy to wash it more than once), the Samsung Captivate, pillows — these are all things that I don’t need. Even though I hesitated for some of these things, I was quick to somehow justify the purchase and unable to exercise self control. Even when I go to the store for groceries, I often leave with some item that I don’t need (snacks, a discounted movie, makeup, hair dye, vitamins and supplements I never take). This one’s more of a stretch, but before college even started, I made the dumb decision to take out a student loan that I didn’t need (and I just accepted the loan money in total, rather than only taking “what I needed”) because I had this stupid notion that I’d be able to easily pay it off and use it to build up my credit score. And you know what? It’s only hurt it so far, because for some reason the loan company had my graduation date wrong and had started sending bills sometime during my sophomore year, as well as calling my phone and leaving (automated) voicemails. And instead of calling them straightaway and figuring out what was going on, I let this continue until they sent me a notice saying I had to pay in full by a certain date! And even then I procrastinated. As a result, my credit report has a potentially negative thing on it from me ignoring it and missing payments. What makes me feel even worse is that a majority of what I bought was purchased with my parents’ hard-earned money — money that they gave to me to pay for rent, bills, and food, and here I am just squandering it away. And I can’t stop myself from making those impulsive purchases even though I have all this guilt. So much guilt that I’ve made myself cry.

10. Low self-esteem: I’ve actually only seen this one listed on the webMD ADHD page, but it fits in nicely with my last point. I know that I do care what strangers think of me, even though I know I’ll most likely never see a majority of them again. I tend to take criticism very personally; even if it’s said in a neutral tone or meant to be constructive, my mind interprets it as something against which I need to defend myself. Which may then lead into my anger management issues. If I text or message someone and they don’t reply, I’m prone to feeling ignored or forgotten, even if I’m aware that the person has a busy schedule. I’ll mull over an argument or disagreement for days — wondering if my words were interpreted differently than what I had meant, if I should bring it up again, what exactly the other person meant –even when the other party has long since let the issue go. I try to deal with my problems on my own and hesitate to ask friends for help/advice (in both academics and personal matters) because feel like I would just be a bother or a burden. I’m always afraid that I’ll lose contact with my friends after graduating college, and since it’s so hard for me to make friends to begin with . . . well, that would be a very difficult thing to come to terms with.

You know, it’s taken me a long time to get to this point. Questioning whether these things were normal, or if they were bad enough to seek professional help. I was lost as to how to time manage, study effectively, and motivate myself to study from day one of college. Actually, even before then, but my pre-college education didn’t require so much effort. At first I thought it was just something that I had to learn — use a planner, study in chunks, study material as it’s presented, not the night before the exam — but as the years flew by, I just couldn’t get the hang of it. I could focus on one demanding class and do well in it, but doing that drained me of any effort that I needed to focus and study my for other demanding classes. Or I could focus on all the easier classes and do well in them, but in exchange I’d barely scrape by with a passing for the challenging classes. Eventually I subconsciously felt that this was the way things were with me. Studying in chunks didn’t help — half of my study chunk was spent doing random things, most of the time. I’d take a break, but not return to studying when my break was over. If I tried to motivate myself by saying that I could read a manga chapter or watch an anime episode, I’d break down halfway through and watch or read without finishing my task. Or even if I did finish my task, I’d get enveloped in reading the manga or watching the anime, and then it would be hours before I finally managed to tear myself away. “Well, it sounds like you just lack self-discipline, Praxis.” Maybe so. But even if I study in a place without those distractions, I get sidetracked by my own thoughts. If I take notes in a class, I’ll start doodling and then focus on my doodle. If I don’t doodle, and there’s a lull in the lecture, then my mind is gone. Even when I’m actively writing down notes, my mind can still wander. I’ll focus on the lecture for a few seconds, maybe even a minute, but then 5 minutes later I’ll realize that I’m not listening anymore, and haven’t been for a while.

Joe and Chandler had the right idea. Also, I have no idea what that blur near my right wrist is from.

I feel like it could be compared to resisting a flood. You can grab a tree, fence-post, lamp, street light — anything you can get a grip on — but it’s only a matter of time before you’re swept away by the torrent. Eventually, you get tired, fatigued, to the point where you just don’t care anymore, and hope that it’ll be over soon. I kinda feel like I’m floundering on the edge of a cliff, about to be washed into the ocean by the flood. I found a decent handhold when I went to the campus counseling center, but my grip seems to have slipped. A month ago, I told my parents that I thought I may have ADHD, and they supported me without hesitation or ridicule. My mom was hesitant to think I had ADHD since I had excellent grades prior to college, but did not criticize or question my decision. That took a lot of stress off of my mind, allowed me to get another grip on something solid and sturdy. And now I’ve been submerged by another wave of . . . despair? Yes, I think that word fits well here. Like I said in the video, I’m down to 25 mg of Adderall. Even though it hasn’t yet allowed me to focus and prioritize better, I realize that my body is still adjusting to the medication, and that because I’m a female, the effect of the Adderall might be affected by hormones/hormonal changes. Knowing that I won’t have anything more to take after tomorrow worries me because I haven’t consistently taken the prescription, nor have I found a dosage that has helped. And now I’m stuck with nothing, pretty much doing nothing in way of finding a solution to my problem, and I have to wait. To wait until my follow-up appointment comes around, and then most likely have to experiment more with dosages. And by then the semester is pretty much over and I’ll have made no discernible progress. I’m lost. How am I supposed to solve this problem in time for me to study and do well on the MCAT, while also juggling classes, writing my personal statement, finding people to write letters of rec, shadowing, starting med school apps, and figuring out plans and a living situation for the next year? What if I’m not able to pull it together and just burn out? I don’t think my situation is extreme enough to explain all of that away if an interviewer questions me about it.

At the end of my vlog, I said that didn’t want to use ADHD as an excuse for my deficits. After crying and slaving over this post all day and night, I think I’ve convinced myself that me having ADHD is rather likely. Or depression. What’s kind of stupid is that the Adderall has kept me awake for about 36 hours and decreased my appetite so much that I haven’t eaten a real meal since Friday (though I’m sure my gluttony on Thursday has helped in keeping my body from complaining). Seeing as a healthy diet, good night’s sleep, and regular exercise are essential in maintaining good health for normal people, the same goes for people suffering from a disorder. I know I can’t depend on medication alone, but the medication is supposed to help me establish healthier habits. With the way things are going, it’s going to be a long, uphill battle. I’m not one to ask for help. I’m also not one to divulge my problems and worries to others. I’m the kind of person to hold it in and hide it from the world, until the mass of problems and worries have grown so much that they overwhelm me. I guess that’s kind of what happened in this post. But I’m laying them out here, rather than trying to scoop them up and hide them away again. And I guess that this is my way of asking for help. To those of you who know me personally, I have (perhaps for the first time) willingly bared a portion of my inner self for you to judge, pity, condemn, and what have you. Errmahgerrd, this is getting dramatic.

I’m sure that you’ve been able to pick up on some of these things already, but here they are from my viewpoint. I’ll appreciate anything you can give me.  Ahh, but don’t worry about finding words of solace or wisdom if they won’t come to you naturally. Your acknowledgment and encouragement is perfectly fine too. So here I am, with a massive post that took a lot of time and effort to make. Sort of like a baby? It’s 11:00 pm, and I still haven’t finished studying the bio lab review, I haven’t written anything for the paper due on Tuesday, nor have I revised the paper due Wednesday or studied for Wednesdays exam. Maybe writing this post wasn’t the best use of my time, considering all of the assignments that are due soon, but I feel like this was something that was necessary for my mental well-being. I guess, in a way, I confronted myself here and became a little bit closer to accepting myself as well. I realize this entry is pretty odd. A 25 minute vlog (nearing 50 if you watch the secret vlog), followed by an uber long and serious blog that is punctuated by not-so-serious images. In retrospect, the blog totally stole the vlog’s thunder. Or at least completely overshadowed the vlog. What I lack in quantity, I make up for with quality? No? You don’t think so? Fusk.

Author’s note (26 Nov, 2:35 AM): Now, I realize that a much of what I wrote is either melodramatic (floundering on the edge of a cliff?), depressive, or maybe even self-deprecating, but that’s how I felt at the time. And, I guess some of those thoughts are always lingering in the back of my mind. You could say that this is what I’m like when I am feeling particularly low. I cycle between guilt and twisted humor. I’m sure the sleep deprivation amplified the intensity with which I experienced those two sides. As much as I want to go back and heavily edit and revise this post (and just take out that vlog, holy crap), I will leave it the way it is. This post was a good experience, and maybe someday the future me will learn something about herself that she had forgotten or denied (probably my foolishness/naivety). If this post ends up helping anyone else, then I would consider it a fair sacrifice. Some of my pride for someone else’s well-being. I would also like to note that my intention in writing this blog was not to focus on ADHD or my personal issues. My plan was to elaborate on the topics I skimmed over in the vlog, insert the images, and write a short blurb on what my mind/attention does when I’m sitting in a lecture or attempting to study at home. Everything else you read forced itself out while I was wallowing in my guilt and self-pity. I really had intended for this post to be more light-hearted (as you can see by the images) and impersonal (like my normal posts)! Just be glad that it makes any sense at all, since I wrote this blog in sections and alternated randomly among them as things/ideas popped in my head.

Delicate Bonds

All right, I know my last post has been a while ago and I also didn’t give a resolution to my Vietnam trip, and for that, I apologize. I’ll add the last couple of days to the list of blogs that I need to write (Akon, for example).

I decided I wanted to try out an MMO after visiting my sister in college and seeing her play WOW.

Speaking of Akon, I was perusing the blog of someone I met there (a friend of a friend), and they do a lot of audio blogs. Many of the most recent ones are with friends of theirs, and many of the friends who guest star on this person’s blog are people whom they have met online. This got me thinking about my friend, Nightmaren, who seems to have about the same number of friends as me IRL, but has a fairly large number of online friends. Nightmaren met most of these (or maybe all of these?) friends through MMO games.Now, I’ve tried a couple before, but I never really was able to get into them much. It’s not because I dislike MMOs — on the contrary, I’ve been wanting to really get into one — it’s just that my circumstances have never been ideal for playing them. Such as slow internet and low computer specs. (How am I supposed to know where I am or where I’m going when the distance all looks the same because I have to put my graphics on the lowest possible settings?!)

In any case, what Nightmaren and their friend have in common is the fact that they’ve made some pretty strong friendships with people they’ve met online. Judging from posts on their respective blogs, some of these friendships are stronger than with people they’ve met outside of the interwebs . . . and I’m kinda jealous of that. I’ve always been an introverted person. I only keep in touch with one person from my life from before college, and that’s because she happens to be my best friend. My parents have always been overprotective of me, so in elementary school, I wasn’t often allowed to spend the night at other people’s houses or hang out with them after school. I wasn’t even allowed to play with the neighbor’s kids, though there weren’t any around my age, anyway. As I got older, I just kinda accepted this fact, so that by the time I got into high school, I had the mentality that I wouldn’t be keeping in touch with these people anyway, which led to me not socializing with classmates as much as I could have. (Or at all, really.) And I was right — I haven’t talked to the people I did become close friends with since we graduated. Of course, that might have been a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of situation. Some of you might think that I might’ve become this way because of my parents’ overprotectiveness, and maybe that’s somewhat true. But I’ve always kinda felt like I don’t belong when hanging out with a group of friends. foreveralone.jpg

Perfect-World-International
This was my second MMO experience, one that I started with Nightmaren during freshman year. Alas, my crappy graphics card kept me from playing it regularly.

I think I was lucky when I got to college. I managed to become really good friends with my boyfriend’s (at the time) roommates, and even after my boyfriend and I broke up, I still stayed friends with his roommates (which was probably really awkward for him). But even though we’re still close friends, I feel like I don’t really know them. The fact that I’m the only girl amongst them might have a part to play in it, but they’ve also spent a lot of time together without me. I admit that I sometimes feel out of place when I’m with them. But they’re also the only long-term friends I’ve made throughout my college career thus far — I haven’t even stayed friends with my own roommates, and we all got along rather well.

As an introvert, I value my alone time and am fine with having solid friendships with only a few people. However, I’ve always had this notion that it would be easier to make friends online since there’s no way to prejudge a person you meet aside from maybe their screen name or the way they type. I mentioned in another post that I spent a lot of time on Gaia Online during high school, but even there, I never made any long-lasting friends. My sister, who has played WOW since she was in college, met her fiance through WoW and has visited her WoW friends IRL. Nightmaren and their friend met IRL during Akon, and I remember Nightmaren mentioning that meeting IRL didn’t feel awkward at all. I want to experience that, but I’m always holding myself back, both online and IRL. I guess it’s kind of a self-perpetuating cycle. And I don’t know how to break out of it. Geez, I’m starting to make myself slightly depressed.

My sister and her fiance bought this for me as an early early early birthday present (to play with them), but I haven’t been able to play it because my laptop specs are too low.

At Akon, both Nightmaren and their friend felt liberated, or more at ease, and found it easy to strike up a conversation with random people because everyone was united by a common factor — the love of all things anime and manga. I’m sure many of the people at Akon felt that way. And while I admired the fact that there were so many people in one place for one thing, I wasn’t able to share in that relaxed atmosphere. Both Nightmaren and their friend see themselves as introverted, but easily struck up conversations with random people and maybe made new friends while at Akon. I know I’m more self-conscious than Nightmaren, and maybe that’s the issue. I mean, I even had a really hard time mustering up the courage to ask people if I could take pictures of them. Most of the pictures I got at Akon were from sneaking in and snapping a shot after someone else asked. I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this post anymore. I think I had planned it to be about MMOs and online friends, but now it’s warped into something more . . . reflective. In any case, judging by my progress in becoming more confident and less self-conscious, I may have to put “make a close online friend” on my bucket list.

Fail Vlog 4: In Which I Apparently Don’t Have Any Self Control

So herp, I’m still working on finding a satisfactory camera setup for my vlogs; I’m seriously thinking about buying one of those mirrors that hair salons use (you know, to show you what the back of your head looks like) and setting it behind my camera so I can see what the heck I’m doing while vlogging and adapt accordingly.Until then, sorry when I try to show you stuff and you actually don’t really see it. And same goes for me being off-center for pretty much the entiiiiiree video.

So last night, my sister posted this on her facebook wall. We’ve kinda talked ourselves into wanting to do it, but given the fact that we’re way out of shape and probably pansies, we’re waiting ’til at least next year (probably October) to participate. However! We think we might volunteer at the one in Austin this October and see what it’s like. I think it sounds fun! Granted, a 10-12 mile obstacle course sounds really grueling . . . we’ll have a lot of work to do before we can consider ourselves ready for the challenge. Neither of us have done that kind of thing before, so we both figured that it’s something we want to try at least once in our lives.

Here’s a picture of the Konexi game where we were determined to use all 26 letters. What words can you find?

And this video makes me want to buy a used PS2 and DDR and be all awesome on it. (And it’s also actually pretty decent exercise!) He makes it look so easy! This guy is the creator of the Dead Fantasy series and works as an animator and choreographer for Rooster Teeth Productions, the company that makes Red vs. Blue. This video and this video were both made by Oum using mocap (Motion capture) technology, and Oum choreographs and performs the dances himself . . . So in short, I’m saying I’m jealous of his dancing abilities, haha. And it’s also pretty amusing to watch those videos and imagine him dancing to it.

So my piano II class had a recital yesterday (Sunday). I only played my duet piece because I didn’t like my Baroque piece enough to want to perform it for other people. Now, my partner and I had been practicing for weeks, and our performance of the piece was pretty solid. Apparently, I still get quite a bit of stage fright because I totally herped up big time while we performed our duet. One part, I’m not sure what messed me up, but I had to stop playing altogether for a few seconds. Another part, my left hand decided to skip a measure, and so I had to drop its part for a few seconds as well. I know I messed up somewhere else, but I can’t remember exactly what it was. And my hands started shaking halfway through the piece. Fuuuuuuu —

And I thought it would be easier/less stressful for me if it were a duet because I wouldn’t be up there by myself. I feel like I was even more nervous than if I had been performing alone, though I don’t know why that is. PUH. Whatever. Guess I’m not meant to be a performer.

Ionno what else I had planned on talking about so I’m going to end this vlog/blog now.

Sorry for having so many links in this post loooooolll. Was that title too long? Herpp.