TMM 2.1 – A New Naming Scheme

Sunday:
I gave myself the day off on waking up early today, but I still managed to get up at 8 on my own. Making progress, I think?

A few weeks ago, I was contacted by a computational modeling professor from one of the schools I applied to for my PhD. I didn’t list them as a potential mentor, but they saw that I’d taken some computational modeling classes before and have had some experience with programming, and asked if I’d be interested in working in a computational modeling lab. I’d never considered it before since I’m in no way proficient at programming. We had a phone conversation about what it’d be like to work in his lab, and about his research, and after spending the next week reading a few of his papers, I came to the conclusion that I would likely enjoy working in his lab, although it might be difficult to pick up the programming and the advanced statistics that they use.

I emailed him back saying basically that, and he replied that if I were having trouble with reading papers with lots of equations, it might indicate that his lab isn’t a good fit; however, he also mentioned that while grad students wouldn’t be required to come up with models, we’d have to be able or willing to learn how to read computational papers. I replied saying that I would be willing to learn, and confident that I’d be able to pick up the necessary skills. It’s been a week since I emailed that to him, and no response back yet, while before that he’d always responded to emails within a day or so. Now I’m worried that he has lost interest in me as a potential PhD student.

On the bright side, this has kickstarted my motivation to finally learn Python; I’m trying to work it into time slots in my planner. I’m hoping he just suddenly has gotten very busy. I’m not sure whether or not I should email him again, and even if I did, I don’t know what exactly I’d say.

Bleh.

Monday:
Today I have an appointment with a new PCP. I haven’t been to a PCP in a while, and I don’t think I’ve had a physical since high school. However, since my insurance changed to Obamacare last summer, I wasn’t able to go to my psychiatrist anymore for my Adderall, and yes, I’m only now finally going to a PCP to get back on my Adderall that I’ve been out of for months. It’s only thanks to one of my friends giving me a list of some doctors that she knows are good and are also “prescription pad-friendly”.

I goofed and forgot I have lab today, so I accidentally scheduled it for 2:45; since it’s a new patient intake, I have to fill out forms and stuff as well, so I actually need to be there by 2:15, meaning I’ll have to leave the lab early. I know it won’t be a big deal, though, especially since I’m not working in the lab for credit. I still kinda feel bad, though. Maybe it’s part of my self-esteem thing, but I always feel like I’m not doing enough or not making much progress.

Tuesday:
This past weekend, I looked through the apartment and through the last two boxes that haven’t yet been unpacked to see if I could find my sketchbook. No dice, although I did find the pencil bag that had all my “art” pens/pencils/stuff. Oddly enough, it was missing the pack of felt-tip type art pens that I had. So either I looked everywhere and still somehow missed seeing my sketchbook and pens (entirely possible), or I lost them or maybe they got taken to my parents’ house. In any case, I bought two small sketchbooks from Michaels, along with some Sakura Micron pens that are used for Zentangle.

Maybe I’ll block out some time today to try it out. All I’ve really got is work tonight, though I do want to start on updating my budget. My goal for that today is to at least get my main bank account updated in YNAB. Aside from that, I want to spend some time learning Python, and get my Adderall prescription filled before I go to work.

I feel like I’m trying to do a lot of new things/establish a lot of new habits this month, so I hope it doesn’t backfire on me for trying to bite off more than I can chew.

Wednesday:
I was pretty successful in my attempt to be productive yesterday. I didn’t end up trying out Zentangle, but I was able to get my checking and savings account all updated in YNAB. It probably helped that I took my last Adderall, after saving it for months, for whatever reason. It never fails to amaze me how much of a difference it makes, especially after having been on a break from taking it. Chores feel less like a burden that I have to work up the motivation to do, and more like something that simply needs to be done. I feel like I’m able to better inhibit that part of me that has some slight anxiety and overanalyzes interactions in social situations; i.e., it’s easier to talk to people, especially strangers. Planning comes more easily — it’s not as difficult to break difficult tasks into steps, and prioritize which to do first — which in turn makes a difficult task (such as budgeting) less daunting and easier to start and finish.

And my new PCP wrote me prescriptions for Adderall for three months out, so I don’t have to worry about running out for a while; I even already got the first one filled yesterday.

Tl;dr, I did adult things and got back on my medication and now I feel super productive and motivated to get stuff done. HAPPY HUMP DAY GAIZ.

Adderall log: Testing dosages

So, in my last long-winded and ridiculous post, I mentioned that I went to a psychiatrist who gave me some Adderall after tentatively (in my opinion) diagnosing me with ADHD. By the way, if you weren’t already aware, in the DSM-IV, there’s only ADHD. ADD is now categorized as a subtype of ADHD and denoted as ADHD, Predominantly Inattentive. The other two subtypes of ADHD are: ADHD, Predominantly Hyperactive, and ADHD, Combined. Of course, since most people still refer to it as ADD, it’s obviously still an accepted term. Anyway, the point is that I was given 31 5mg capsules in order to test out which dosage worked best for me. Apparently, I was to start out with 10 mg and, if that didn’t seem to work, adjust the dosage after 3 days as necessary. Well, as you can see from my log, I totally didn’t do that at  all. I actually didn’t realize that his additional notes had said that until I looked at the paper to get the websites he wrote down for more information about ADHD. Which was like, a week or more after I had gotten the prescription.

Baseline for comparison: “I know that Adderall is working for me, because once it kicks in, I can read without having to go back and re-read (sometimes over and over) the stuff I missed because my mind was elsewhere while my eyes were looking at the words. I can look objectively at my to-do list, prioritize, figure out how long each task will take, and create an agenda that can be realistically completed in the allotted time. I can tackle things that need to be done, even if I really, really don’t want to do them. I feel a little physical stimulation, mostly wakefulness despite my sleep difficulties, but I don’t feel hyper or anxious.”

As you can see from my notes, I didn’t really see a noticeable effect of the Adderall on my executive functions (attention, planning, prioritizing) until last night, when I took the remainder of my prescription. I might not have seen any effect at the beginning because my body was still getting adjusted, but Adderall isn’t the type of medication where you have to take it for a while before seeing results. My perceived improvement from last night may have been due more to me being motivated to complete a past-due assignment. Apparently the original deadline just doesn’t give quite enough motivation. So, my follow-up appointment is next Wednesday. I intend to question Dr. Stein about if he’s sure it isn’t some other disorder with symptoms overlapping those of ADHD, or if my issues truly amount to disorder at all. If the latter turns out to be true, I’ll probably turn super emo because that implies that I’m really just a lazy, unmotivated person. And then I’ll get depressed and go back to see if he’ll diagnose me with clinical depression lolz. I’m just kidding — my aim isn’t to get a false diagnosis to use as an excuse. I really don’t know how I’d tell my parents, though, if I turn out not to have anything. All they ask of me in my college career is that I try my best. If I don’t have anything wrong with me, me having not done my best this whole time will be entirely my own fault.

Although some people may say differently, ADHD is a disorder that has a neurophysiological cause. People who have ADHD (who are not on medication or haven’t undergone counseling) are inherently unable to perform at the same level as a normal person in areas such as planning, attention, prioritization, and working memory. It’s not that they’re lazy, stupid, or unmotivated. Rather, these things aren’t a part of their personality, but instead are a result of ADHD.

This post has a rather defensive tone. It’s probably because some people with whom I’ve discussed my worries give the impression that they don’t really consider ADHD a serious disease. It might be due to the fact that ADHD tends to be over-diagnosed at times, but I thought they would understand that I’m taking this very seriously and would not pursue this course of action as an easy way out. In fact, much of my reluctance to accept Dr. Stein’s diagnosis is probably because of these people’s skepticism.

Ugh. My posts as of late seem to never turn out the way I had originally planned. This post was only supposed to contain the intro, the baseline, and the log. I guess it’s to be expected that I would have strong feelings concerning such personal topics. Errmahgerrdd, look! Two posts in the same week! You know important stuff is going on in my life if I post more than one entry per month. /pseudosarcasm