I got this as a tattoo in December (2013) to remind myself that I need to care for myself both mentally and physically.
The title of this post (and the line in the image above) are a quote taken from the Soul Eater manga. It’s a central theme, and in the anime, this line is repeated at the beginning of each episode. I was first introduced to the series during my senior year of high school which was – holy crap – 5 years ago.
I had always appreciated the holistic perspective that this sentence presents regarding one’s well-being, but when I was diagnosed with ADHD and first starting medication for it about a year and a half ago, it became a sort of mantra. Since I was (and still am) prescribed Adderall, I had difficulty sleeping and a suppressed appetite due to the side effects. I still experience those even now, but to a lesser extent — and those first few weeks (or was it months?) were especially rough. In this post, where I first revealed my diagnosis and the sleep/appetite troubles I was having, I even stated that “[s]eeing as a healthy diet, good night’s sleep, and regular exercise are essential in maintaining good health for normal people, the same goes for people suffering from a [mental] disorder.” (Also, wtf, “revealed”? This isn’t some magic show, self.)
Well, I don’t exercise any more than I did back then (i.e., not at all), I’m doing fairly well at maintaining a consistent sleep schedule — or at least, I have been for the past few weeks — and while I still don’t eat as much as I should, at least my weight loss has finally plateaued. In terms of taking care of myself, I haven’t really improved much. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve made much headway on being productive, either. At least, not for my own sake. I’ve known this for a while, but I’m much better at caring for myself and being productive when it’s for someone else.
I never would have expected to spend so much time on a trading card game.
Which explains why I went so overboard with making spreadsheets and stuff for a guild I joined at the end of February. Seeing as it’s really the first guild I’ve ever been in, I’m still astonished at how much time and effort I’ve put into it, especially since it’s a phone game. I’ve mentioned once before how I always found it difficult to connect with people the few times I played MMOs, in spite of the anonymity that should theoretically allow me to look and act however I want. Apparently I’m as bad at talking to people online as I am in real life.
But I guess I’m not as bad as I once was. I seem to have gained some self-confidence, since it’s become easier to befriend people than it used to be. I’m more laid-back and easy-going than before — and if you’ve only recently met me and think I’m neither of these, then just imagine how bad I must’ve been in the past. I’m sure that holding an officer position during senior year in a student organization with a flamboyant president who has a flair for trolling — and just having them as one of my closest friends for 4 years — played a large part in that. But I feel that the majority of this progress was a result of coming to terms with having ADHD, and thereby being able to understand myself better from that perspective. Having become more accepting of myself in light of that, I’m more comfortable with the idea of talking about my personal shortcomings and struggles. This is partly to reassure others who are having similar difficulties, as well as to hopefully find a self-improvement partner who will keep me accountable and provide encouragement (and I the same for them). Because trying to bootstrap your way to a better you just doesn’t work when you have a bunch of things you want to improve.
And I think this is why I’ve become surprisingly close to a few of the people in my guild. One thing we all seem to have in common is our low self-esteem. We are all self-deprecating, and it makes me so sad when they talk that way. Having done the same thing many times, both on this blog and IRL, I know how mean we can be to ourselves sometimes. When we talk about each other, we focus on the good qualities the other has, but we are reluctant to let ourselves believe each others’ words, because “they haven’t seen how [insert negative adjective here] I am.”
So my main purpose in writing this post is to tell us all to stop listening to ourselves when we’re in the dumps and have only derogatory marks to say. Because we’re wrong! Everyone has their off days, and we’re not as lowly as we think we are. The things we dislike about ourselves, we can change. It’ll probably be hard as fusk, but it’s possible, and I’ll help in any way I can. And don’t even try to convince yourself that you’re not good at anything, because we’ve all shown that we, at the very least, have the capacity to care a great deal about others. The ability to accept and appreciate each other in spite of each others’ faults. And if your low self-esteem is anything like mine, you feel bad for making others worry about you, but feel glad that they do, and then feel bad that you feel glad about someone worrying about you.
So don’t make me worry about you, and just listen to me when I say that you’re better than you think you are.
Believe in me who believes in you.
And if all that was too tl;dr to read, then I think Pink sums it up perfectly.
It’s been a few months since I posted my last (public) blog post, so I suppose it’s about time that I made a new one. I kinda cheated on this one, though, since it’s mostly a copy-pasta of a message I sent to someone I’m subscribed to on YouTube. To be fair, I spent a lot of time on it; then again, I can spend an hour writing an email that should take 10 minutes.
The content of the message isn’t really anything new in regards to myself. As for the person it was sent to, that would be David So. He is a comedian on YouTube who posts weekly vlogs; one of his new year’s resolutions is to become fit, and so he’s started a series of fitness vlogs for accountability.
Like usual, my message was intended to be short, but turned into a wall-of-text. I’m not really one to interact with people on the internet. As one friend put it, I use the internet, but I’m not really a part of it. Commenting on videos (or anything, for that matter) is pretty rare for me, so sending messages to people I don’t know IRL — that’s like a once-in-a-blue-moon type of event. Anyway, the most recent fitness vlog should provide you with a more fleshed-out idea of why I felt compelled to randomly message someone I don’t know on the internets.
“A sound soul dwells within a sound mind and a sound body.” This quote has kind of become my motto, and I think it really fits with the theme of this week’s FFF. In order to feel good or be happy about oneself, you have to be both mentally and physically healthy.
Humans don’t come in just one body type, so being fit isn’t going to look the same for everyone. Mental and physical health affect each other more than people probably realize, and for that reason, I especially admire that you chose not to focus on weight changes in defining your fitness goal.
My motivation to become fit actually comes from a desire to be more mentally healthy. Towards the end of college, I was diagnosed with ADHD; I think one reason why it wasn’t obvious during my childhood is because I played sports, and my parents always made sure I ate properly. In college, on the other hand, I didn’t eat healthily, nor did I exercise regularly. Looking at it that way, it’s no wonder that my brain suddenly wasn’t able to effectively manage life.
Medication helped a little bit, but due to the side effects, I wasn’t eating enough and lost a lot of weight. The severity of it didn’t hit me until even the act of getting out of bed took considerable effort and energy. And by then, taking medication was pointless since I was so fatigued.
After a few weeks of not taking my medication, I’ve managed to gain some weight back. Over the past year or so, I’ve gone to counseling for strategies to work with my ADHD, and to address my low self-esteem issues that could inhibit my progress. By increasing my physical health, I hope that I’ll eventually be able to wean myself off of medication once I’ve established the mental strategies to overcome the challenges my ADHD presents.
I have been subscribed to your channel for a long while (I think, maybe from the beginning?!), and I have always appreciated the food-for-thought that you so deftly incorporate into your videos. You are funny, open-minded, and insightful, but not above acting like a fool, or afraid of admitting that you have faults. For those reasons, you are relatable; so when you say that we’re all capable of achieving our goals, people believe you.
I guess the point of this message is this: seeing your determination and dedication to overcome something that has been a defining characteristic for a majority of your life encourages and motivates me to be just as persistent in my struggle.
David, thank you for all the laughs and life lessons. Watching your videos is something I always look forward to. You’ve got my support, and I look forward to seeing you reach your goal(s).
– Praxis
P.S. Sorry for the wall of text — it started out as a comment, but it apparently wanted to be an essay instead.
All right, so maybe it wasn’t as much of a wall-of-text as I thought, but it sure looked like one in that tiny text-entry box on YouTube.
In other news, I’ve started practicing guitar again, so maybe one day I’ll serenade you — except the guitar will probably drown out my weak singing voice. I’ve also kinda been wanting to do some vlogging, so we’ll see whether or not I’ve gotten markedly better at “public” speaking.
Ummmm, I’ve also got this photo-blog thing on Blipfoto. I know, I know. I’ve already got this blog, why did I make a photo-blog on some other website? Ionno, it’s proven to be slightly easier to keep up with than a traditional blog. Maybe since each post on there is associated with a photo, it keeps me from over-thinking things. And since most of my posts are done from my phone, that also keeps me from writing tons of unnecessary stuff.
Also, also, did you notice? I finally figured out how to center embedded YouTube videos. I’m so pro at blogging.
Well, it’s 5:20 in the morning, so I think it’s safe to say I’ll be skipping class today. Wheee~
After spending most of August cramming for my second retake of the infamous MCAT, life as a grad student has been pretty. . . lazy? I know I have lots of stuff I could be working on for classes, but it’s hard maintaining a grip on time when each class only meets one a week. And considering that I already have difficulty with that as is, it’s probably fairly safe to say that grad school is totally throwing me for a loop.
I’ve only just realized that it’s time to start registering for spring classes, and that was because the administrative assistant of my grad program kindly sent out an email informing grad students of if, along with the necessary forms we’d need to fill out in order to register for classes next semester. Safe to say I was completely surprised, and I’m still not sure I’ve accepted this information.
A friend gave me this research as a birthday present. It is easily one of my favorite shirts now. In fact, I’m wearing this shirt RIGHT NOW (while writing this blog).
So I’ve been kinda MIA for a few months. My summer was pretty busy — graduation stuff, visiting home because we discovered that my dad had prostate cancer (luckily, we found it in the early stages, and he was able to have it surgically removed), and cramming (again) for the MCAT.
I’m sure you’ve noticed the title for this blog by now (if you hadn’t already — should’ve been the first thing you read, right?), and you might be wondering what that means. After all, didn’t I just say that I spent part of my summer cramming for the MCAT? The SOP for my application to the master’s program even said that I was planning on entering med school following completion of the program, so I obviously was pre-med and wanted to be a doctor. There it is. Was. I was pre-med, and I wanted to be a doctor. Past tense.
I briefly mentioned in my last vlog that I started working in a lab at the end of the spring semester. Maybe if my summer had been less busy (I was driving from Dallas to Brenham practically every week in June), I would’ve noticed sooner that I really enjoyed working in a lab. Well, that lab in particular, but working in that lab also made me realize exactly how much I love learning about neuroscience. Apparently I love it more than helping people. Or, at least, more than helping people in a career where I’d undoubtedly be full of self-doubt and always wondering if I could’ve done this, or should’ve done that. I wasn’t particularly fond of the idea of residency and working long hours. Yeah, the nuggets of happiness and fulfillment that come from seeing that you’ve made a difference in someone’s life are amazing, but I don’t think I have the type of personality that’s able to withstand the emotionally taxing aspects of being in medicine. I already make sure that my self-esteem stays kinda low, I don’t need all of that stress to make it even lower. I just know that I’d be the type of doctor who lets medicine completely take over her life, always stressing about her patients and being unable to maintain a healthy distance from it. As someone who intends to have a family at some point in the future, that’s not fair to anyone.
In retrospect, reading this book probably also helped me decide to go for a PhD. It’s fiction, but the stories are all based on the author’s med school experience. It’s a quick, easy, and well-written read, so I recommend you at least check it out. (Clicking on the image will take you to the author’s blog post for her book.)
I guess the bottom line was that I couldn’t see myself as being truly happy if I were to pursue medicine as a career. I don’t think I would dislike it necessarily, but I too easily see myself being perpetually stressed about patients, or not being able to spend time with my family for a birthday or holiday because I was unable to request the day off. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that I already have trouble maintaining a healthy balance between work and personal life, so I’m sure I would be much worse at it as a (medical) doctor. I know I’d burn myself out.
So I’ve spent a majority of this semester just hashing that whole thought-process out, making sure the idea of pursuing a PhD wasn’t attractive just because it was novel. I’m still trying to convince myself that I’m not “running” from medicine as a career, or that I’m too weak-willed to overcome the rigors of medical school. Part of the strategy for that is telling myself that it takes some degree of strength to face these faults and make the decision that’s right for you.
Anyway, if that all was a little tl;dr for you, here’s a nice, quick, bullet-point list giving the main reasons for me deciding to go for a PhD instead of an MD/DO.
Why I chose PhD over MD :
I love neuroscience.
Studies are more self-directed. (I learn what I want. Meaning neuroscience. Just neuroscience.)
If I work as a TA/RA during my PhD studies, it covers my tuition and gives me some extra to live off of. (I can lessen the financial burden on my parents.)
Work hours are more flexible. (I work when I want.)
Medicine is still an option after finishing my PhD.
I will say that I’ve been pretty happy since making the decision to pursue a PhD, and that I’ve also been much more proactive in finding out what I need to do to apply to PhD programs than I ever was for the med school application process. Now I need to work on getting myself focused on classes again, as well as establishing a more healthy lifestyle and getting back up to a healthy weight. ‘Cause holy heeby-geebies, I’ve really lost a lot of weight since starting Adderall last fall. It didn’t hit me how big the amount was until I found myself spending consecutive days mainly in bed because I didn’t have the energy to do anything else. In fact, I missed my class last Monday because I got nauseous whenever I got up or even sat up for any length of time. Even lying in bed was getting tiresome. At one point I fell asleep on my bedroom floor. Using a 3-skein yarn pack as a pillow. Yep.
I’ve been alternating days off of Adderall this past week, and I’ve found myself eating so much/often that I’m thinking about adding a “mad-munchies” category to The Watch Glass where I document all the stuff I’ve eaten that day. (I’ve actually kinda been doing that already through the Android app for Blipfoto. Maybe I’ll just stick with that. Also, I have way too many different social website accounts.) I also started counseling again through my university’s counseling center (12 sessions/year are included in the tuition), so hopefully I’ll be able to get myself back on track. I’ve definitely seen an increase in motivation to do mundane things (like cook for myself lols) since my mad-munchies fest, so that’s a good sign.
Note to self: don’t ever vlog again while driving. What are you, stupid?
The following is my statement of purpose from my application to a master’s program for Applied Cognition and Neuroscience.
When I first started college, I knew nothing about neuroscience – as expected. However, after nearly four years of study towards a bachelor’s degree in neuroscience, I still know nothing about it. If anything, my years of undergraduate study have made me more aware of how little I really know. I originally chose the neuroscience major because of a long-standing curiosity in the science behind individual differences in cognition and behavior. Soon enough, studying neuroscience itself became my motivation for studying more neuroscience – a positive feedback loop, if you will. Neuropharmacology explained how physiological changes produced by various drugs affect cognition and behavior; neuroplasticity illustrated the brain’s ability to adapt, and the possible degrees to which that adaptability can be affected by drugs. Cognitive, developmental, and behavioral neuroscience demonstrated how neuroplasticity, neurophysiology, and neuropharmacology affect (and are also affected by) learning and memory.
The integration of the various branches of neuroscience occurs at so many levels that the study of one invariably leads to another. Studying neuroscience has made me realize that we still have much to learn, and that what we do know is infinitesimal in comparison to what we do not know. It has taught me to focus more on understanding concepts (and less on memorizing facts), and to apply those concepts in everyday life. Though these could be said of all sciences, neuroscience was the catalyst in my developing these views. In studying the role of the nervous system in cognition and other biological systems, I have gained a greater appreciation for other sciences (such as chemistry and physics) in which my knowledge is poor.
Many neuroscience courses used scientific papers as reading material; through learning how to interpret scientific papers, these courses allowed me to further develop my critical thinking skills. Rather than taking a research paper at face value, I have learned to use my current knowledge to search for possible confounding factors, the importance of a data set in the overall findings of the study, ways in which the study could be improved, and future applications or studies of the findings. These classes have also given me practice in presenting and discussing new topics, especially in regards to adjusting the semantics of my speech to suit the audience’s level of knowledge. For a brief period of time, I volunteered in Dr. Filbey’s lab, where I gained some basic insight into the protocols, tasks, and imagining techniques used in human research (on addictive disorders).
In high school, I earned high grades with little effort. During freshman year, I quickly found that achieving the same grades in college required a great deal more effort. I struggled with attention and time-management issues, but figured that these problems were due to a lack of practice and experience. In sophomore year, I tried various study strategies, none of which seemed very helpful. During junior year, I went to regular counseling sessions; the first was because I wanted to be evaluated for ADHD, but subsequent sessions were devoted to general stress management. Throughout all of this, my grades only improved slightly, and I continued to have attention and time-management issues. So, in the fall of my senior year, I sought psychiatric help and was diagnosed with ADHD.
Even with a professional diagnosis, I was reluctant to accept that I had ADHD. Accepting the diagnosis felt equivalent to using ADHD as a scapegoat, while denying it suggested that my previous efforts were not sincere enough. None of my neuroscience classes had discussed ADHD in depth, so to understand it better – and potentially myself – I began reading research papers. Since being diagnosed, I have accumulated papers covering various aspects of ADHD, such as studying strategies, coping mechanisms, and genetic, physiological, and behavioral studies. This entire process has taught me a great deal about myself, especially in regards to how I respond to stress. As a result, I am better prepared to handle any difficulties I might encounter during my graduate studies.
Out of the many aspects of neuroscience, neuroplasticity, learning, memory, and cognitive neuroscience have been areas of continual interest. In addition to studying each individually, I am interested in studying their interrelationship. In pursuing a master’s degree in Applied Cognition and Neuroscience, I hope to explore these areas in more depth. If possible, for my area of specialization, I would focus on these aspects in regards to neurological disorders and brain damage. I wish to research in one of the neuroscience labs in order to expand my shallow understanding of research, and to augment my conceptual understanding of neuroscience. My current plan is to enter medical school after earning my degree, but I also view the master’s program as an opportunity to explore all possible career paths. My post-graduate objective is to make an informed decision in choosing a career path using the experience gained during the program.
My parents visited this past weekend, and I finally tried talking to them about waiting another year before applying to med school and staying here to do a master’s program. Of course, things tend to not go as well as planned, and I wasn’t able to get my parents to understand or listen to my reasoning. Not knowing how else I could explain things to them, I figured it was time to ask my uncle for help. Continue reading “My Last Resort: Asking for Help”
Hay look here’s the rest of what was originally supposed to be one blog post.
ADHD/General Health:
Settled on an appropriate daily dosage of Adderall XR
Problems in establishing a healthier lifestyle because of Adderall (decreased appetite, insomnia, being fat when not on Adderall)
How these problems affect school life
Eerrmahgerrrd wtf am I supposed to do
Why it’s good for me
Wtf do I do
Med School/Future:
What med school?
Pursuing a master’s degree in applied cognition and neuroscience?
Errmahgerrrrd how do I explain this to my parents?
ADHD:
So, sometime around my last week of finals during the fall, I managed to find my optimum Adderall dosage. I know I was still skeptical about being ADHD in general, and unsure of how obvious the effect was supposed to be, but now I’m able to clearly see how much it helps. I am better at prioritizing/planning, have better inhibitory control (study breaks are more likely to be short breaks, rather than a complete diversion), increased ability to maintain attention — in general, better executive function.
Something I noticed the few times I took Adderall during winter break, it’s easier to keep up with household chores also. Like, my mom occasionally admonishes my sister and I for never doing the dishes when we visit home. (I’m bad about doing dishes in the first place. I’ll just let them accumulate until I run out of silverware and dishes.) So every couple of days, I’ll think, “I should put up/wash the dishes. It’s not like there are that many, and my parents would appreciate it.” I want to do the dishes and I am mentally aware that it doesn’t take a lot of time, but it feels like it will, so I just procrastinate on it until my parents come home and end up doing it themselves. Both times I took Adderall during the break, I did the dishes of my own accord. Rather than feeling, “It’s such a bother, having to wash dishes for ten minutes instead of relaxing and watching TV. I’m on break, after all,” it’s more like, “Well, since I’ve already turned on the water to rinse off my plate, might as well wash it and all the other dishes while I’m here.”
I also noticed that I get way more talkative on Adderall. I’m more likely to talk with my friends, rather than being mostly passive in the conversation. Though I sometimes feel bad because I occasionally end up doing a majority of the talking. I’m also more likely to initiate conversations with strangers (like people sitting by me in a class). Don’t get me wrong, it’s still really rare, but still more likely than never. One of the best outcomes I’ve had is being able to approach and talk to professors. I kinda see the increase in talking as more of an increase in my self-confidence, though I can’t think of an explanation for why that is.
So taking Adderall definitely helps me both in studies and social life. But the side effects I experience are pretty intense. Mainly loss of appetite and difficulty sleeping. Now, I’ve always been pretty bad with eating healthily and regularly, for reasons similar to not wanting to do dishes (just feels like so much effort). I’ve never experienced forcing myself to eat — actually, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced having absolutely zero appetite. It’s weird, feeling my stomach growl and knowing that I’m physically hungry, but not having any desire to eat. And after trying to force myself for a while, eventually I just get repulsed at the sight and thought of whatever I’m eating. Light/snack foods seem to go down easily enough — yogurt, granola bars, baby carrots — but anything more substantial than that requires a great deal of effort. I usually try to wolf down a bowl of oatmeal in the morning, before my body has started metabolizing the adderall.
The other issue I’m having is difficulty sleeping. It’s hard for me to fall asleep, stay asleep, and I feel like I hover between consciousness and being asleep (sometimes I can’t tell if I really slept or not). People are generally advised to take adderall before noon in order to avoid sleep problems. I take Adderall at 8 in the morning, and still have trouble falling asleep when it’s 2 AM. Then I end up sleeping in until 12 or so the next day (since I only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays) and can’t take Adderall because I woke up so late. On average, since the start of the semester, I’ve taken Adderall on Tuesdays and Thursdays only, because the rest of the week, I wake up at noon and can’t take Adderall unless I feel like staying up for 36 hours. And yet I’ll still feel tired when I wake up, even after three consecutive days of sleeping for like, 12 hours (the weekends). I’ve tried exercising to try tiring my body out enough so that it overcomes the adderall-induced insomnia, but no. I can feel exhausted, but then find myself still awake 4 hours after going to bed.
So, not only do I lack proper nutrition (even moreso than I did before), I also lack proper sleep/rest. Eventually, those effects will negate any benefit I get from taking Adderall. And up until my appointment with the Dr. Stein yesterday, I had accumulated an extremely high level of stress trying to figure out how I was supposed to overcome these side effects. I figured they might decrease once my body gets used to the adderall, but that can’t really happen if I’m only taking it twice a week. And I can’t take it more than that unless I just never want to sleep. And then I haven’t been able to keep up with all of my classes because I’m not taking Adderall on my days off, on top of being mentally fatigued from lack of sleep, made even worse because I haven’t been eating anything substantial. I just found myself going in circles and the stress just kept increasing and things started feeling hopeless.
I’m supposed to do an ADHD self-report scale symptoms checklist once a week, so that my doctor can get an idea of my progress (or lack thereof) with the medication. He remarked that it seemed like the Adderall wasn’t having much of an effect anymore, but I figured that was more due to me only taking it twice a week. I told him about the sleep problems, so the solutions he offered were: switch to a non-stimulant ADHD drug, or get prescribed some sort of sleep aid. I opted for the latter; I don’t like the idea of increasing the number of drugs I’m taking, but I’m reluctant to switch to another ADHD medication because then I would have to experiment with dosages again, and also have to possibly deal with a new set of side effects. Of course, I might encounter side effects with the Clonidine also, but I feel like there’s less probability of me having problems with it.
He gave me a prescription for Clonidine, a mild sedative that was first used to treat hypertension. It’s also used to treat anxiety and panic disorders, and apparently can also help moderate impulsive and oppositional behaviors associated with ADHD. (Wikipedia, yay!) He only talked about how it aided in sleep, since that’s what my main problem was. He also gave me a list of sleep hygiene tips, which lists the combination of melatonin, zinc, and magnesium supplements as a sleep aid. I figured I’ll try that for a week, and if it doesn’t seem to be effective enough, then I’ll get the Clonidine prescription filled and try that out. Hopefully I’ll be able to wean myself off of at least the Clonidine, once I establish a routine and healthier lifestyle in general.
Med School:
As for med school, I went to a pre-health adviser to get some direction on things to do for the application process. She took a look at my GPAs and course history, and with the knowledge that I’m still figuring out all the ADHD stuff, she told me to wait until next year to apply. I knew it was reasonable, and perhaps, the better thing to do for me, but I still couldn’t help but feel disappointed. It’s not like she said I’d never get into med school, and apparently I also need to retake two med school pre-req classes because they don’t meet the minimum grade requirement. Which I probably should’ve realized earlier, but with the whole ADHD thing, and apprehension for talking to people with authority (profs, advisers, older people in general), it’s kinda obvious why I didn’t. It didn’t help that I’d been in a frenzy the whole week prior to the advising session, trying to get together all the info she’d possibly need or ask for, most of which wasn’t even looked at. So I guess the news hit me hard because I’d put a great deal of effort into prepping for the meeting, and I also felt that I should’ve figured out all the ADHD stuff earlier, and if I had, then maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation.
After a week or so, I calmed down and accepted that it would be better for me to wait. I already had a bunch of stress from ADHD problems and trying to keep up with school as is; worrying about applications might drive me insane. But how am I supposed to explain this to my parents? What else am I supposed to do in all that time between graduation and entering med school, aside from retaking two classes? A friend suggested I go for my masters in Applied Cognition and Neuroscience. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I’m still fighting an uphill battle with ADHD and studying and healthy living. I need time to establish a plan for living normally with ADHD, and then figuring out an effective study method. Just retaking the two classes won’t be enough, and I’m sure I won’t be able to figure it all out before graduation. The masters program will give me a workload to test and refine my study methods. Even if I were to apply this year and, by some miracle, get accepted somewhere, I’d drown under the course load within the first week.
So then I realized it. I’m just not ready to go to med school yet. How am I supposed to learn how to care for other people when I’m still trying to figure out how to take care of myself?
I think my parents will be able to understand my reasoning, and it’s not like I’ll be doing nothing. I might have to emphasize that waiting another year won’t hurt my chances of getting into med school. Hopefully seeing that I’ve put a lot of thought into it will also keep them from trying to persuade me otherwise. Not to mention that an adviser pretty much said that the chances were really slim if I applied this year. But hopefully I won’t have to tell them that.
Blogging for stress-relief isn’t as therapeutic when you write it after going to the doctor and getting a possible solution. Nor does it accurately convey the extent to which the stress was affecting me. Oh well.
All right, here’s the outline of what’s sure to be a tl;dr post. (There was originally more to the outline but then my tl;dr post was becoming too tl;dr and I had to break it up because I’m fail.) Summary:
End of fall semester
Winter break
WoW all day every day
Start of spring semester
So in my last post, I was all conflicted about whether I truly have ADHD, or if I just convinced myself that I do, which then caused me to subconsciously adopt behaviors indicative of ADHD. I spent the last few weeks of the semester kinda out of it, probably. I continued to experiment with Adderall dosages, which also means that I was subject to its side effects also (mainly loss of appetite and trouble sleeping). Which meant that I didn’t eat enough — and I already have poor eating habits — nor did I sleep enough. I also suddenly had to deal with another health issue that cropped up; I got medicine for it. Like the Adderall, it suppressed my appetite, but what’s worse is that it did not play well with the Adderall at all. After two days of trying to take the two medications together and feeling completely nauseated and miserable, I decided to hold off on the Adderall until I finished the other medicine (10 days or something like that). The best part is that it didn’t even fix my problem! (Which resolved itself over winter break.) Anyhow, with all that going on, I don’t know how I managed to get A’s in all my courses. Some were A-‘s, but I had expected to get a B+ or something in those anyway, so I’m very pleased with how my semester ended.
Brad apparently wants me to be more acquainted with alcohol.
My last final was during the week before Christmas, so I don’t think I got home until the 22nd or so. Christmas didn’t really feel like Christmas this year. Christmas Eve with the extended family didn’t have the festive vibe compared to previous years. Apparently the explanation as to why Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas needed to be a post of it’s own. It’s all about my family’s dynamics (password: “family”). Anyway, I had 3 weeks for winter break. The first week I spent at my parents’ house because they had the week off on holiday. I remember watching lots of movies, and then some post-Christmas shopping at the mall (to look for good deals and presents for my dad’s birthday in January). The second week was spent at my sister’s house in Austin, most of which was spent playing WoW with her and Brad. On New Year’s Eve, we played pretty much until midnight — or I did, since I’d just gotten a one month subscription because it was being offered super cheap that weak and needed to lvl up my toons to where they could take main-story quests. And then I went back to lvling up my toon while Brad played some D3 and my sister fell asleep.
Living it up on New Year’s Eve playing WoW in the footie pajamas my sister gave me for Christmas.
The last week was spent back at my parents’ house. During Thanksgiving, my mom had requested that I make a beanie and scarf for my dad’s Christmas present. I wasn’t able to do that in time for Christmas and had to give him something else. Luckily, my dad’s birthday is in January, so I had a second chance. Since his birthday was after the start of classes, my mom also wanted to celebrate his birthday before I left. Since I was on break and had so much free time, I was in charge of making a cake and wrapping the presents. We (I) planned on celebrating the Friday before classes started, to give me as much time as possible to finish the scarf. Now, I’d managed to knit the hat during all the movie-watching the first week of my break. I’d started the scarf, but obviously didn’t make much progress during the week spent at my sister’s house. I worked on it somewhat on Monday and Tuesday, though most of Monday night was spent obsessing over finding a way to get my dad’s cheapo brand LED TV to work with his outdated surround sound system. Due to overnight shipping being unexpectedly and exorbitantly expensive, Wednesday morning I had to pick up my sister’s wedding invitations in Houston, then drive to Austin that same day to help her assemble them since Brad was visiting his family out-of-state. I planned on driving back to my parents’ house on Friday.
Not too shabby-looking! Especially since it was the first time I’d ever decorated a cake.
We definitely didn’t work on invitations Wednesday night; I think we just watched movies until we fell asleep, and I spent most of that time working on my dad’s scarf. I’m sure we didn’t get up until sometime in the afternoon on Thursday, and we didn’t start working on the invitations until close to midnight. Or maybe a little after. We finished them a lot faster than we expected — within 2-3 hours. I think it was because we had FRIENDS running on the TV while we worked. Which we then sat and watched until we fell asleep once we were done. Or my sister did, at least. I went back to working mindlessly on my dad’s scarf. Thankfully the FRIENDS dvd automatically starts playing the episodes after a certain amount of time on the menu screen, otherwise I would’ve gone crazy listening to the theme song repeat over and over. Around 5 or 6 in the morning, I stopped knitting and took a quick nap, after having nodded off while knitting so many times before. My progress was frustratingly slower than expected and it was Friday and I was supposed to go home that day and I still had to bake and decorate a cake and what the heck how am I supposed to do all of this stuff —
My dad opening his birthday presents — stuffed in a shoebox that had recently held a newly-bought pair of boots. After wearing the hat and scarf for a while, he said that they made him feel hot. My mom was like, “Good! Then they’ll keep you warm outside too.”
But I managed somehow. I left my sister’s house a lot later than I’d planned, but I managed to finish the cake and the scarf without either turning out too ugly. Sped the 1.5 hours home and ate dinner with my parents, who lovingly waited for me so that we could all eat together. And then I went back out to my car to sneak in the cake and scarf without my dad noticing. Needless to say, the presents weren’t wrapped, but it’s just paper and we only had Christmas paper anyway. Aaghhhhh why do I fail at summaries? Like anyone really cared to know all those little details. I write for forever. I JUST HAVE SO MUCH TO BLOG ABOUT BECAUSE I HAVE NOBODY TO TALK TO. ;; So, beginning of spring semester. I got an internship at a hospice where I basically am a volunteer whose only responsibility is to be friends with the hospice patients. I’m in an MCAT class and I’m supeeeeerrrrrr behind on homework and stuff. Meaning that I haven’t started. My car had a sudden weird breakdown a month ago involving brake calipers and overheating causing a failsafe to kick in that shut down my engine and there was some huge rats nest in my engine and I’m finally taking it to the dealership tomorrow but have been driving it sparingly since that incident and it’s like noooormmmaallll. But apparently it’s total bs for my car to have had that problem since it’s a 2009 model and those problems are power-train related and are supposed to be covered for like 100,000 miles and my car’s only around 35,000. Oh wow, look at how quickly that devolved I’ve been up for 36 hours run on sentences forever. And there was this one night that it snowed and I was like “Oh shi–” and went back into a knitting frenzy to make beanies for my friends that were supposed to have been their Christmas presents for like 2010. And then the weather got all warm like it was trolling me and this semester was supposed to be easy but it’s not and I’m losing my marbles. More reasons contributing to loss of marbles to be covered in next blog post.
So, in my last long-winded and ridiculous post, I mentioned that I went to a psychiatrist who gave me some Adderall after tentatively (in my opinion) diagnosing me with ADHD. By the way, if you weren’t already aware, in the DSM-IV, there’s only ADHD. ADD is now categorized as a subtype of ADHD and denoted as ADHD, Predominantly Inattentive. The other two subtypes of ADHD are: ADHD, Predominantly Hyperactive, and ADHD, Combined. Of course, since most people still refer to it as ADD, it’s obviously still an accepted term. Anyway, the point is that I was given 31 5mg capsules in order to test out which dosage worked best for me. Apparently, I was to start out with 10 mg and, if that didn’t seem to work, adjust the dosage after 3 days as necessary. Well, as you can see from my log, I totally didn’t do that at all. I actually didn’t realize that his additional notes had said that until I looked at the paper to get the websites he wrote down for more information about ADHD. Which was like, a week or more after I had gotten the prescription.
Baseline for comparison: “I know that Adderall is working for me, because once it kicks in, I can read without having to go back and re-read (sometimes over and over) the stuff I missed because my mind was elsewhere while my eyes were looking at the words. I can look objectively at my to-do list, prioritize, figure out how long each task will take, and create an agenda that can be realistically completed in the allotted time. I can tackle things that need to be done, even if I really, really don’t want to do them. I feel a little physical stimulation, mostly wakefulness despite my sleep difficulties, but I don’t feel hyper or anxious.”
As you can see from my notes, I didn’t really see a noticeable effect of the Adderall on my executive functions (attention, planning, prioritizing) until last night, when I took the remainder of my prescription. I might not have seen any effect at the beginning because my body was still getting adjusted, but Adderall isn’t the type of medication where you have to take it for a while before seeing results. My perceived improvement from last night may have been due more to me being motivated to complete a past-due assignment. Apparently the original deadline just doesn’t give quite enough motivation. So, my follow-up appointment is next Wednesday. I intend to question Dr. Stein about if he’s sure it isn’t some other disorder with symptoms overlapping those of ADHD, or if my issues truly amount to disorder at all. If the latter turns out to be true, I’ll probably turn super emo because that implies that I’m really just a lazy, unmotivated person. And then I’ll get depressed and go back to see if he’ll diagnose me with clinical depression lolz. I’m just kidding — my aim isn’t to get a false diagnosis to use as an excuse. I really don’t know how I’d tell my parents, though, if I turn out not to have anything. All they ask of me in my college career is that I try my best. If I don’t have anything wrong with me, me having not done my best this whole time will be entirely my own fault.
Although some people may say differently, ADHD is a disorder that has a neurophysiological cause. People who have ADHD (who are not on medication or haven’t undergone counseling) are inherently unable to perform at the same level as a normal person in areas such as planning, attention, prioritization, and working memory. It’s not that they’re lazy, stupid, or unmotivated. Rather, these things aren’t a part of their personality, but instead are a result of ADHD.
This post has a rather defensive tone. It’s probably because some people with whom I’ve discussed my worries give the impression that they don’t really consider ADHD a serious disease. It might be due to the fact that ADHD tends to be over-diagnosed at times, but I thought they would understand that I’m taking this very seriously and would not pursue this course of action as an easy way out. In fact, much of my reluctance to accept Dr. Stein’s diagnosis is probably because of these people’s skepticism.
Ugh. My posts as of late seem to never turn out the way I had originally planned. This post was only supposed to contain the intro, the baseline, and the log. I guess it’s to be expected that I would have strong feelings concerning such personal topics. Errmahgerrdd, look! Two posts in the same week! You know important stuff is going on in my life if I post more than one entry per month. /pseudosarcasm
Disclaimer: Guys, this one’s a doozy of a post. I think it might require some mental preparation on your part. Really. Guys, this post is ~4700 words long. I just wrote a freaking essay.
I’M SO SORRY IT’S SO LONG. As usual, I ramble way too much, and the rambling is probably exacerbated by the fact that I’ve been up all night. I’m also out of practice, having not vlogged in quite some time. Of course, it only gets worse as the video gets longer! Maybe you should just skip this post. The text/blog portion will be a TL;DR thing anyway. Don’t you like how I speak in run-on sentences? Or if not run-ons, really choppy and stuttered sentences? LOL my voice gets kinda croaky at the end. Wanna see the original take? It’s 2 minutes shorter!
I know that vlogs are supposed to be a kind of standalone thing, but I seem to be unable to just have a vlog by itself. I think it’s only happened once so far. In any case, what with my spectacular speaking abilities, I feel that most of the things I say in the vlog need to be further clarified, or at least more fleshed out.
I’m pretty sure the Batman game was my sister’s, and the Beauty and the Beast one was mine.
So I started with . . . my laptop? After waiting over a month for Lenovo to deliver my laptop, I finally got fed up and canceled my order. Within a week, I found an Asus laptop of similar build and pricing and promptly went to buy it in person from a nearby Microcenter. If you read my last post, you’ll remember that I never really had a chance to play mmos and build online friendships through that. Well, with my new laptop, I’m able to play most of the games that I own. Nightmaren suggested I try Eden Eternal, an mmo that s/he began playing during the summer. After about a week of playing Eden and (for the most part) ignoring the rest of the world, I reached level 40 and grew tired. I’d found a few people with whom I partied with more than once, but they didn’t get on regularly; after a few days of grinding on quests by myself, I stopped logging on regularly also. I kind of feel like MMOs aren’t my style of gaming, but since I’m new to MMO, maybe I just need to give it a second chance. Then again, I’m hesitant because MMOs require time and dedication, and if I focus on MMOs, then I’ll fall behind in my studies. And that’s exactly what I’m trying to prevent, what with the psychiatric appointments and Adderall. I failed to mention it in my second take, but I bought a PS2 bundle off of eBay that came with 2 DDR pads and 4-5 DDR games (and a whole bunch of other games that I don’t really care about). My justification for it was that I could use it to exercise, and since I would have fun playing DDR, I would be more likely to consistently exercise and work my way up to a healthier lifestyle. Well, that hasn’t worked out so far; most of the time, I get the urge to play late at night (10 pm or later), so then I refrain because I don’t want to disturb my downstairs neighbor. Sometimes I wonder if I even have a downstairs neighbor — I’ve never seen anyone enter/exit that apartment, nor seen light filter through their blinds at night. Now I sound like a stalker. (21:40, took Toto out to go to the restroom and saw that lights were on in the downstairs apartment, so someone does live there. /creeper)
I feel stupid when I take pictures of myself with a normal smile or in a normal pose. So, naturally, I make stupid faces and poses in order to make myself feel less stupid.
In the vlog, I mention that my ex-boyfriend referred me to my psychiatrist. In a past post, I vaguely hinted that my ex and I started dating again. And now we’re not again! Yayyy. I really don’t remember what I said in my vlog and secret vlog regarding this topic, but just to give you the gist: we broke up in October (again), this time more on a mutual note and because, though we enjoy each other’s company, each of us has a peeve that the other can’t/won’t change, which is a big enough peeve to keep us from being compatible as boyfriend/girlfriend. Next item to flesh out is . . . my hair. I think I said all that needed to be said on this topic, but I do have a picture for you to see what my hair looked like with the highlights. And you get to see my “new” glasses! I know they’re pretty hipster-looking, but they’re prescription glasses, and I’ve always liked the look of thick frames. I just didn’t think I could pull it off, and up til now I’ve been getting my glasses solely from my uncle’s business (he’s an optometrist), which has a rather small selection of frames compared to online or even Walmart. Anyway, I got a coupon for a pair of free frames from coastal.com, and their policy is that you can send them back if you don’t like them. Luckily, I like them, so I didn’t have to worry about that. I didn’t notice on the website, but the front corners of the glasses (the silver spots) are math symbols; one is a multiplication sign, the other a division sign. There’s an equal sign on each temple. The color of the highlights looks more reddish in this picture, but the actual color of the dye was fuchsia. I think after a couple of washes the color bled out to this pinkish-red color. The first time I got the highlights (actually, Chris did them for me) was in June, so by the time I (Chris) redid them in August or September, they were pretty faded; however, they faded really prettily, as opposed to some colors/dyes that turn dull or some unflattering shade. Honestly, I liked having the highlights (my parents were of another opinion), but my hair grows too fast for me to really enjoy the look for long. I have to give props to Chris, though. He did the highlights for me both times and was also the one to dye my hair back to a more natural color; I’ve gotten compliments every time.
My mom’s learning how to text! And teaching me Vietnamese at the same time! Lol I referenced Google translate so many times for my responses.
Anyway, that’s enough of my vanity. As promised, I’ve included a screenshot of the text conversation with my mom. Judging by the timestamps, it takes my mom approximately 20 minutes to type out a text. Considering that she’s typing with her pinky (her pinkies are the only fingers with nails short enough to allow for accuracy and precision) and that I only taught her how to use the QWERTY keyboard on Friday night, she’s doing really well! I’m proud of her. And her texts only have one or two typoed words, and that’s just because the android keyboard is trying to predict words for her in English. After some research (sacrificing time that would be better spent doing my bio lab review), I was able to find the Swiftkey Vietnamese Beta (I’ve always used Swiftkey). I haven’t used the Vietnamese keyboard yet (I installed the English language pack also), but hopefully the Vietnamese predictions will be close to conversational Viet. Even if it’s not, as long as you correct it, Swiftkey will learn and adapt to your preference. I hope that it’ll make things easier for my mom when I install it on her phone during Christmas break.
I suggest you stop here and take a break. The following content is a little raw and will probably be heavy going. Sorry for the wall of text.
I really have great parents. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for their unconditional love and support. Sure, they can be a little overbearing sometimes, but they’re entitled to that, with all the things they’ve had to go through as immigrants. Since I can’t seem to motivate myself to care about my studies or future, my knowledge of the hard work they’ve gone through to support and provide for me (without question) should help guilt me into trying harder. It still might not be enough, though. At the end of my psychiatric appointment, the psychiatrist (we’ll call him Dr. Stein) gave me a sheet with general precautions to take with my psychotropic medication, the bottom half of which had an area where the psychiatrist could write recommendations and instructions for the prescription. Along with a titration plan for the Adderall XR (I just noticed today that it’s extended release), Dr. Stein listed a couple of resources that would give me more information about ADHD and strategies to manage it, in addition to the Adderall. While I haven’t found any strategies that are applicable or new to me, I found articles that discuss ADHD symptoms, some of which I now see I’ve had, but didn’t (or refused) to connect to ADHD. Then again, many ADHD symptoms coincide with other disorders, so I couldn’t (and still can’t) say what it is for sure.
1. Lack of motivation/apathy can reflect impairment of executive functions in the brain. When I went to the campus counselor, she thought my apathy was more a result of dysthymia, a mild form of depression. Again, since many ADHD symptoms coincide with depression, I didn’t question it; besides, most of the tips the counselor gave me could alleviate symptoms for both disorders.
2. Disorganization/messiness: I used to think I was a fairly organized person before college. My locker (and desk in grade school) was always neat and organized. I can’t remember how organized I kept my bedroom, but I do remember multiple sleepless nights where papers were scattered all about as I hastily tried to finish a project that was due the next day.
3. Procrastination: My sister claims she was the queen of procrastination. I have no idea how much she procrastinated, but I know that I’ve procrastinated since at least 5th or 6th grade. I procrastinate on washing dishes, taking out the trash, and doing laundry. You could possibly even say that I procrastinate on showering . . . wow, that’s gross. And, of course, studying. I’ve already spent my whole Sunday working on this blog and researching more about ADHD when I have a bio final tomorrow, haven’t finished the review, have a 5-10 page paper due Tuesday, and a paper and exam on Wednesday. There have been times where I clean in order to avoid studying. Priorities.
4. Problems with memory and forgetfulness, lateness: Now, I’m fairly good at recalling random facts or events from the past, so I didn’t think I had any problems with memory/forgetfulness. I’m decent at remembering plans that I’ve made with someone, but I often forget if an assignment is due in class. Sometimes I help answer the phone when I volunteer at the hospital; usually the person on the other end of the line is calling for a report on a patient. They rattle off their name, their department, the patient’s name, and the doctor’s name, and on average, all I remember is the patient and doctor name. Sometimes a call comes in for a patient needing a bed, in which I’m given the patient’s name, the doctor’s name, and the type of surgery. When put the person on hold and notify one of the nurses, usually they ask for at least one of the other details that I’ve already forgotten. Then they end up getting on the line themselves and asking what the person needs. Uhhh, needless to say, I feel useless at those times. As for lateness, I leave for class with just barely enough time to spare. For church, I’m often a few minutes late. With volunteering, I’ve consistently been 15-20 minutes late, with maybe a 5 minute variance. However, I make sure I stay for the four hours I’ve committed to volunteering. Sometimes I forget to pay bills on time, especially if the due date is more towards the middle of the month, rather than the beginning or end. Rent, bills, assignments, exams — I’ve started utilizing my phone more for giving me reminders, but if they’re not in there, they end up being late, or I remember in a panic close to the deadline and end up scrambling to get things done on time. I have a daily planner, but at best, I look at it once a week, which is on Fridays when I know there’ll be periods of doing nothing and can take the time to plan it out. I might place the planner on my desk to check during the rest of the weekend, but by the time Monday rolls around, it’s usually buried under papers.
5. Restless/fidgety: I’ve always had a tendency to bounce one or both of my legs at some point in time, whether sitting or standing. I didn’t think this was abnormal, having grown up with it, and I’ve noticed other people fidget about the same amount in my classes. I do prefer to stand rather than sit down, but I’m not sure if that is really related. Hmm, I guess pen/pencil twirling and tapping also counts as fidgeting.
In first or second grade, when we started learning fractions, I looked at the board and got really confused because what I saw was y2 instead 1/2. I have no idea when I learned or realized that y2 was actually 1/2. I guess my point with that is perhaps that I was inattentive even way back then (which would make sense, since adult ADHD diagnosis requires that symptoms be present during childhood). I mean, the only way you could make that kind of mistake is if you weren’t paying attention, right?
Yay, awkward wall-of-text break!
6. Losing things: I still don’t think I really lose things, but I guess if I often misplace important things such as my phone or keys, then that’s not exactly normal. I “lost” a pocket knife over a year ago, and only recently found it hiding in my high school calc binder. I really have no idea how my knife ended up in the calc binder — I got my knife after I had already finished taking calc.
7. Drives too fast (reckless?): Guilty. I speed almost everywhere, except on the roads that I know are closely monitored. I can have a lead foot at times, reaching up to 85 mph before checking my speedometer and realizing how fast I’m really going (not as much of an issue for long trips; cruise control is great). I would say I’ve made reckless decisions while driving, but that, for the most part, I’m a defensive driver.
8. Impatient/short tempered/mood swings: I always knew that I had a short temper, but it didn’t occur to me that my lack of anger management was abnormal. I didn’t really see myself as impatient, but when I think about it, there have been many times where I grew impatient because someone was explaining something I already knew, people didn’t fulfill my (high) expectations, or I was asked to repeat myself. As for mood swings, they’re generally from happy or content to super pissed. Rarely is it the other way around. I can remember a couple of times when I’ve gone from content to depressed. I hate driving during the day because I get so impatient with other drivers. A blinker before you start breaking would be nice! Or if I drive on the shoulder to let you pass me on a two-lane road, how ’bout a flash of your hazard lights to show your appreciation? If you think a wave of your hand will suffice, then maybe you’ve forgotten how tinted your windows are. And why the heck are we slowing down to 20 mph on the highway if there’s no car wreck or construction to avoid? Uhh, so yeahh, my temper has many opportunities to flare when I drive.
9. Impulsiveness: Again, I haven’t really seen myself as a particularly impulsive person, but purchases I’ve made, such as my DS, PSP, Kindle Fire, PS2, teeth whitening gel, Steam games, a sports video camera, navel ring, dog toys, cat toys, my cat Jager, things for knitting and crocheting (that I haven’t touched in months), a Fossil watch, cheap jewelry, a new laundry basket (when the only thing wrong with the old one was that the cat peed on it and I was too lazy to wash it more than once), the Samsung Captivate, pillows — these are all things that I don’t need. Even though I hesitated for some of these things, I was quick to somehow justify the purchase and unable to exercise self control. Even when I go to the store for groceries, I often leave with some item that I don’t need (snacks, a discounted movie, makeup, hair dye, vitamins and supplements I never take). This one’s more of a stretch, but before college even started, I made the dumb decision to take out a student loan that I didn’t need (and I just accepted the loan money in total, rather than only taking “what I needed”) because I had this stupid notion that I’d be able to easily pay it off and use it to build up my credit score. And you know what? It’s only hurt it so far, because for some reason the loan company had my graduation date wrong and had started sending bills sometime during my sophomore year, as well as calling my phone and leaving (automated) voicemails. And instead of calling them straightaway and figuring out what was going on, I let this continue until they sent me a notice saying I had to pay in full by a certain date! And even then I procrastinated. As a result, my credit report has a potentially negative thing on it from me ignoring it and missing payments. What makes me feel even worse is that a majority of what I bought was purchased with my parents’ hard-earned money — money that they gave to me to pay for rent, bills, and food, and here I am just squandering it away. And I can’t stop myself from making those impulsive purchases even though I have all this guilt. So much guilt that I’ve made myself cry.
10. Low self-esteem: I’ve actually only seen this one listed on the webMD ADHD page, but it fits in nicely with my last point. I know that I do care what strangers think of me, even though I know I’ll most likely never see a majority of them again. I tend to take criticism very personally; even if it’s said in a neutral tone or meant to be constructive, my mind interprets it as something against which I need to defend myself. Which may then lead into my anger management issues. If I text or message someone and they don’t reply, I’m prone to feeling ignored or forgotten, even if I’m aware that the person has a busy schedule. I’ll mull over an argument or disagreement for days — wondering if my words were interpreted differently than what I had meant, if I should bring it up again, what exactly the other person meant –even when the other party has long since let the issue go. I try to deal with my problems on my own and hesitate to ask friends for help/advice (in both academics and personal matters) because feel like I would just be a bother or a burden. I’m always afraid that I’ll lose contact with my friends after graduating college, and since it’s so hard for me to make friends to begin with . . . well, that would be a very difficult thing to come to terms with.
You know, it’s taken me a long time to get to this point. Questioning whether these things were normal, or if they were bad enough to seek professional help. I was lost as to how to time manage, study effectively, and motivate myself to study from day one of college. Actually, even before then, but my pre-college education didn’t require so much effort. At first I thought it was just something that I had to learn — use a planner, study in chunks, study material as it’s presented, not the night before the exam — but as the years flew by, I just couldn’t get the hang of it. I could focus on one demanding class and do well in it, but doing that drained me of any effort that I needed to focus and study my for other demanding classes. Or I could focus on all the easier classes and do well in them, but in exchange I’d barely scrape by with a passing for the challenging classes. Eventually I subconsciously felt that this was the way things were with me. Studying in chunks didn’t help — half of my study chunk was spent doing random things, most of the time. I’d take a break, but not return to studying when my break was over. If I tried to motivate myself by saying that I could read a manga chapter or watch an anime episode, I’d break down halfway through and watch or read without finishing my task. Or even if I did finish my task, I’d get enveloped in reading the manga or watching the anime, and then it would be hours before I finally managed to tear myself away. “Well, it sounds like you just lack self-discipline, Praxis.” Maybe so. But even if I study in a place without those distractions, I get sidetracked by my own thoughts. If I take notes in a class, I’ll start doodling and then focus on my doodle. If I don’t doodle, and there’s a lull in the lecture, then my mind is gone. Even when I’m actively writing down notes, my mind can still wander. I’ll focus on the lecture for a few seconds, maybe even a minute, but then 5 minutes later I’ll realize that I’m not listening anymore, and haven’t been for a while.
Joe and Chandler had the right idea. Also, I have no idea what that blur near my right wrist is from.
I feel like it could be compared to resisting a flood. You can grab a tree, fence-post, lamp, street light — anything you can get a grip on — but it’s only a matter of time before you’re swept away by the torrent. Eventually, you get tired, fatigued, to the point where you just don’t care anymore, and hope that it’ll be over soon. I kinda feel like I’m floundering on the edge of a cliff, about to be washed into the ocean by the flood. I found a decent handhold when I went to the campus counseling center, but my grip seems to have slipped. A month ago, I told my parents that I thought I may have ADHD, and they supported me without hesitation or ridicule. My mom was hesitant to think I had ADHD since I had excellent grades prior to college, but did not criticize or question my decision. That took a lot of stress off of my mind, allowed me to get another grip on something solid and sturdy. And now I’ve been submerged by another wave of . . . despair? Yes, I think that word fits well here. Like I said in the video, I’m down to 25 mg of Adderall. Even though it hasn’t yet allowed me to focus and prioritize better, I realize that my body is still adjusting to the medication, and that because I’m a female, the effect of the Adderall might be affected by hormones/hormonal changes. Knowing that I won’t have anything more to take after tomorrow worries me because I haven’t consistently taken the prescription, nor have I found a dosage that has helped. And now I’m stuck with nothing, pretty much doing nothing in way of finding a solution to my problem, and I have to wait. To wait until my follow-up appointment comes around, and then most likely have to experiment more with dosages. And by then the semester is pretty much over and I’ll have made no discernible progress. I’m lost. How am I supposed to solve this problem in time for me to study and do well on the MCAT, while also juggling classes, writing my personal statement, finding people to write letters of rec, shadowing, starting med school apps, and figuring out plans and a living situation for the next year? What if I’m not able to pull it together and just burn out? I don’t think my situation is extreme enough to explain all of that away if an interviewer questions me about it.
At the end of my vlog, I said that didn’t want to use ADHD as an excuse for my deficits. After crying and slaving over this post all day and night, I think I’ve convinced myself that me having ADHD is rather likely. Or depression. What’s kind of stupid is that the Adderall has kept me awake for about 36 hours and decreased my appetite so much that I haven’t eaten a real meal since Friday (though I’m sure my gluttony on Thursday has helped in keeping my body from complaining). Seeing as a healthy diet, good night’s sleep, and regular exercise are essential in maintaining good health for normal people, the same goes for people suffering from a disorder. I know I can’t depend on medication alone, but the medication is supposed to help me establish healthier habits. With the way things are going, it’s going to be a long, uphill battle. I’m not one to ask for help. I’m also not one to divulge my problems and worries to others. I’m the kind of person to hold it in and hide it from the world, until the mass of problems and worries have grown so much that they overwhelm me. I guess that’s kind of what happened in this post. But I’m laying them out here, rather than trying to scoop them up and hide them away again. And I guess that this is my way of asking for help. To those of you who know me personally, I have (perhaps for the first time) willingly bared a portion of my inner self for you to judge, pity, condemn, and what have you. Errmahgerrd, this is getting dramatic.
I’m sure that you’ve been able to pick up on some of these things already, but here they are from my viewpoint. I’ll appreciate anything you can give me. Ahh, but don’t worry about finding words of solace or wisdom if they won’t come to you naturally. Your acknowledgment and encouragement is perfectly fine too. So here I am, with a massive post that took a lot of time and effort to make. Sort of like a baby? It’s 11:00 pm, and I still haven’t finished studying the bio lab review, I haven’t written anything for the paper due on Tuesday, nor have I revised the paper due Wednesday or studied for Wednesdays exam. Maybe writing this post wasn’t the best use of my time, considering all of the assignments that are due soon, but I feel like this was something that was necessary for my mental well-being. I guess, in a way, I confronted myself here and became a little bit closer to accepting myself as well. I realize this entry is pretty odd. A 25 minute vlog (nearing 50 if you watch the secret vlog), followed by an uber long and serious blog that is punctuated by not-so-serious images. In retrospect, the blog totally stole the vlog’s thunder. Or at least completely overshadowed the vlog. What I lack in quantity, I make up for with quality? No? You don’t think so? Fusk.
Author’s note (26 Nov, 2:35 AM):Now, I realize that a much of what I wrote is either melodramatic (floundering on the edge of a cliff?), depressive, or maybe even self-deprecating, but that’s how I felt at the time. And, I guess some of those thoughts are always lingering in the back of my mind. You could say that this is what I’m like when I am feeling particularly low. I cycle between guilt and twisted humor. I’m sure the sleep deprivation amplified the intensity with which I experienced those two sides. As much as I want to go back and heavily edit and revise this post (and just take out that vlog, holy crap), I will leave it the way it is. This post was a good experience, and maybe someday the future me will learn something about herself that she had forgotten or denied (probably my foolishness/naivety). If this post ends up helping anyone else, then I would consider it a fair sacrifice. Some of my pride for someone else’s well-being.I would also like to note that my intention in writing this blog was not to focus on ADHD or my personal issues. My plan was to elaborate on the topics I skimmed over in the vlog, insert the images, and write a short blurb on what my mind/attention does when I’m sitting in a lecture or attempting to study at home. Everything else you read forced itself out while I was wallowing in my guilt and self-pity. I really had intended for this post to be more light-hearted (as you can see by the images) and impersonal (like my normal posts)! Just be glad that it makes any sense at all, since I wrote this blog in sections and alternated randomly among them as things/ideas popped in my head.
So don’t make me worry about you, and just listen to me when I say that you’re better than you think you are.
