Sunday:
I gave myself the day off on waking up early today, but I still managed to get up at 8 on my own. Making progress, I think?
A few weeks ago, I was contacted by a computational modeling professor from one of the schools I applied to for my PhD. I didn’t list them as a potential mentor, but they saw that I’d taken some computational modeling classes before and have had some experience with programming, and asked if I’d be interested in working in a computational modeling lab. I’d never considered it before since I’m in no way proficient at programming. We had a phone conversation about what it’d be like to work in his lab, and about his research, and after spending the next week reading a few of his papers, I came to the conclusion that I would likely enjoy working in his lab, although it might be difficult to pick up the programming and the advanced statistics that they use.
I emailed him back saying basically that, and he replied that if I were having trouble with reading papers with lots of equations, it might indicate that his lab isn’t a good fit; however, he also mentioned that while grad students wouldn’t be required to come up with models, we’d have to be able or willing to learn how to read computational papers. I replied saying that I would be willing to learn, and confident that I’d be able to pick up the necessary skills. It’s been a week since I emailed that to him, and no response back yet, while before that he’d always responded to emails within a day or so. Now I’m worried that he has lost interest in me as a potential PhD student.
On the bright side, this has kickstarted my motivation to finally learn Python; I’m trying to work it into time slots in my planner. I’m hoping he just suddenly has gotten very busy. I’m not sure whether or not I should email him again, and even if I did, I don’t know what exactly I’d say.
Bleh.
Monday:
Today I have an appointment with a new PCP. I haven’t been to a PCP in a while, and I don’t think I’ve had a physical since high school. However, since my insurance changed to Obamacare last summer, I wasn’t able to go to my psychiatrist anymore for my Adderall, and yes, I’m only now finally going to a PCP to get back on my Adderall that I’ve been out of for months. It’s only thanks to one of my friends giving me a list of some doctors that she knows are good and are also “prescription pad-friendly”.
I goofed and forgot I have lab today, so I accidentally scheduled it for 2:45; since it’s a new patient intake, I have to fill out forms and stuff as well, so I actually need to be there by 2:15, meaning I’ll have to leave the lab early. I know it won’t be a big deal, though, especially since I’m not working in the lab for credit. I still kinda feel bad, though. Maybe it’s part of my self-esteem thing, but I always feel like I’m not doing enough or not making much progress.
Tuesday:
This past weekend, I looked through the apartment and through the last two boxes that haven’t yet been unpacked to see if I could find my sketchbook. No dice, although I did find the pencil bag that had all my “art” pens/pencils/stuff. Oddly enough, it was missing the pack of felt-tip type art pens that I had. So either I looked everywhere and still somehow missed seeing my sketchbook and pens (entirely possible), or I lost them or maybe they got taken to my parents’ house. In any case, I bought two small sketchbooks from Michaels, along with some Sakura Micron pens that are used for Zentangle.
Maybe I’ll block out some time today to try it out. All I’ve really got is work tonight, though I do want to start on updating my budget. My goal for that today is to at least get my main bank account updated in YNAB. Aside from that, I want to spend some time learning Python, and get my Adderall prescription filled before I go to work.
I feel like I’m trying to do a lot of new things/establish a lot of new habits this month, so I hope it doesn’t backfire on me for trying to bite off more than I can chew.
Wednesday:
I was pretty successful in my attempt to be productive yesterday. I didn’t end up trying out Zentangle, but I was able to get my checking and savings account all updated in YNAB. It probably helped that I took my last Adderall, after saving it for months, for whatever reason. It never fails to amaze me how much of a difference it makes, especially after having been on a break from taking it. Chores feel less like a burden that I have to work up the motivation to do, and more like something that simply needs to be done. I feel like I’m able to better inhibit that part of me that has some slight anxiety and overanalyzes interactions in social situations; i.e., it’s easier to talk to people, especially strangers. Planning comes more easily — it’s not as difficult to break difficult tasks into steps, and prioritize which to do first — which in turn makes a difficult task (such as budgeting) less daunting and easier to start and finish.
And my new PCP wrote me prescriptions for Adderall for three months out, so I don’t have to worry about running out for a while; I even already got the first one filled yesterday.
Tl;dr, I did adult things and got back on my medication and now I feel super productive and motivated to get stuff done. HAPPY HUMP DAY GAIZ.
750 Words: Work Stress
I’ve always found it difficult to make posts about mundane little details of my life, which is partly also the reason why I have trouble making daily posts. However, I saw two posts on my Tumblr dashboard that were basically lists of questions that followers could choose for the poster to answer, so I copied a few of them into a word doc to use as topics for these 750 Word posts. Maybe I’ll aim for 2 posts a week and work my way up during the year, ’cause once a day is too much of a commitment for me right now lol.
In other news, apparently this past week has been pretty stressful on me. I opened every day that I worked last week, and only one of those days was with an associate who’s been at our store for more than a month. Two of those days was with a manager from another store who was helping us out since we have only one associate at our store who can open during the week, and she was gone on vacation. It was nice though, since the other manager was able to show me how to do more of the paperwork and stuff for the store. The last day, we borrowed an associate from another store, and the closing manager from the day before forgot to do the computer stuff so that the associate could clock in and had the correct register permissions and whatnot. I vaguely remembered how to do it from when I helped out another store, but in the end, I still had to call the help desk.
Speaking of the help desk, I had to call them pretty much every day that I worked last week because we kept having issues with our coupon codes not working properly on our registers. I’ve gotten the same tech support person practically every time I’ve called, which feels a little weird. I guess we only have a handful of tech support people for the stores in our region? It’s the only plausible reason I can think of for me getting the same person that many times in a row.
I didn’t realize how stressed I was until I saw the schedule for this week and just raged. First of all, I’m scheduled for 26 hours this week, when I specifically requested for a max of 20 hours. Secondly, I’m scheduled to open again on Thursday for the few hours before my class starts because I’m the only associate who consistently has opening availability on Thursday. And thirdly, two of my shifts are with new associates. I just dislike that they schedule me with new people when I’m still new at my position. It’s frustrating that most of our associates only have closing availability, so I’ll probably be stuck opening on Thursday for a while until we hire someone who has opening availability. At least our new store manager is done with training, so he’s working at our store starting this week.
I actually raged so hard that I cried after I clocked out on Friday. I’m stuck on campus from 1:00 PM – 9:45 PM on Tuesdays, and even though I only have a class for just over an hour on Thursdays, I still consider it a “class day”. Being scheduled on Wednesdays and Fridays makes it difficult to read ahead for class, or even review stuff for class, since work mentally tires me out so much. So the days that I actually have off from work and don’t have class are mostly spent catching or keeping up with classes, making it feel like I don’t get much time to just relax. So that, and the fact that they disregarded my max availability really irks me. Additionally, my parents are visiting this weekend, so I’ll probably be spending a good deal of my free time cleaning my apartment. I’ve actually been wanting to clean my apartment for a while, but I’d need at least a day to do all of it, and since I’ve been using my days off to study, I haven’t been able to get to it.
I dunno. It doesn’t sound quite as complicated when I explain it, but I guess it feels really stressful to me since my time management skills are still pretty crappy. That, and a whole bunch of new stuff was thrown at me this past week.
Well, on the plus side, I worked on the blanket I’m knitting for my nephew, and I’ve been rereading the Harry Potter series before bed since I don’t have any of my portable game systems to play on lol. I’m already on the fourth book in the series even though I’ve been trying to limit myself to only one or two chapters a night. Then again, the first three books are kinda short — and I also binge read a few times last week when I was feeling frustrated and unmotivated to do anything requiring effort.
Somehow, I can’t believe it’s already February, but I also can’t believe that it’s only February.
750 Words — Daily Effort
Today was a “GOTTA CLEAN EVERYTHING” type of day. My parents drove up in the evening to visit me for July 4th weekend, so that plus Adderall gave me the motivation to do a more thorough type of cleaning. Things I did:
- Finally washed the remaining plastic containers that I had let pile up over the months
- Vacuumed the whole apartment (not as difficult now that I’ve been vacuuming semi-regularly since my last cleaning frenzy in May)
- Wiped down the kitchen and bathroom with Clorox wipes
- Collected all the trash in my car
- Vacuumed my car
I also finally went through all the emails in my inbox. After assigning labels and whatnot, I went from around 120 emails to just 9 emails in my inbox. I don’t like having more than 25 or so emails in my inbox at a time. It stresses me out. Clutter stresses me out. Which is frustrating because (up until I found HRPG), I would let trash and stuff collect, and I would just retreat to a more clutter-free room of my apartment until that too filled up with clutter. And then finally, when I had no places left to retreat to, I would finally go into a cleaning frenzy and get rid of a majority of the clutter. And then, since that frenzy took so much effort I wouldn’t keep up with keeping things clean, which then just starts the whole cycle over again.
I know, I know. You’re probably thinking something along the lines of, “Praxling, if you just kept up with things daily, such as rinsing your dishes when you go to put them in the sink, you wouldn’t be stuck having to do a massive amount of cleaning all at once.” Believe me, I know it’s easier to just take that extra minute or two a day, rather than leaving it to pile up. But even if I say that to myself repeatedly, sometimes the rest of my brain is just like, “No. I don’t feel like it. It’s too much trouble, and I don’t see what I get out of it. Dun.”
And so I dun.
When I’m on Adderall, it’s a little bit easier. Sometimes I’m able to convince the other part of my mind that, yes, it’s not that much trouble. I’m already standing there at the sink, so why not just turn on the water and rinse my dish out really quickly.
Since I’ve been focusing on my health this summer and have gained a little weight back, now it doesn’t feel as tiring to do simple little things, and I’ve been able to convince myself to do things even when not on Adderall. Honestly, though, Habit RPG has helped significantly. Now that I’ve set it up, I can look at it each day and see the things I want for myself to do. Doing those things and checking them off earns me XP and money for my character. With that money, I can buy armor to improve my character’s stats (I’m a mage), or spend it on some of the rewards I set for myself.
It’s more motivating to do things when I use HRPG because I get to see the reward of gaining money and XP every time I do something. Having to pay in order to indulge myself in something — say, an hour of gaming — helps me keep myself more accountable. If I go over one hour, I have to pay again. I’ve also set up a habit for gaming. If I keep to my 1 hour limit, I get to click the ‘+’ button on that habit and get rewarded for my self-control. If I go over, I have to click the ‘-‘ button, which makes me lose XP and money, in addition to me paying for the gaming reward again.
I realize it’s probably really boring to hear me talk about this mundane thought process, but this gamification of my life just makes things so much more fun. Since I’m ADHD, I need a motivational push in order to consider doing normal everyday tasks that others might do out of habit. HRPG provides me with that motivational push.
I’m very much one of those “out of sight, out of mind” people. I can’t use the grocery/produce drawers in my fridge because I’ll forget about whatever I’ve put in there. I rarely use my freezer, so if I’ve bought frozen foods, I’ll forget about that too until I randomly open it. And then go, “Oh yeah, I bought that. I bought that a long time ago, didn’t I?” That’s why I keep collecting clutter. I have a thing, and I say to myself, “Hey, this is important so I’m going to leave it here where I can see it so I remember to take care of that.” But then I do that with lots of things, and then there are so many things to look at that I’m overwhelmed and don’t know which thing to do first. Prioritizing is another thing ADHD people have trouble with.
Anyway, that’s why HRPG is so helpful. Seeing an increase in XP and money every time I do something productive provides me with a measurable way to track my progress. Having something I can look at daily to know what the basic things I need to do to take care of myself helps make sure I do those things. And when I say basic, I mean basic. Brush teeth, wash face, eat breakfast, eat lunch, eat dinner. Take vitamin. Get out of bed. Take a shower. And at the end of the day, if I didn’t do a few of the tasks on my dailies list, my character loses HP. So trying to keep my character from dying motivates me to make sure I get those basic necessities done — which keeps me from dying IRL (lolz).
Part of me wants to feel ashamed that I need something to remind myself to do these things, but hey, I’m different! I’m not normal. So I should stop making myself feel bad by comparing myself to neurotypical people who don’t have to worry about breaking down these behaviors to this extent. Because there have been plenty of days where I mentally yelled at myself to get out of bed, to go do something. And when I didn’t, I started insulting myself. Believe me, I wish it were as easy to listen to myself as it is for normal people.
Well, I did not expect to talk about HRPG in this blog lol. Here, have a cat picture.
One thing that I wish for is that people try to be more understanding of mental disorders. It’s saddening when someone dismisses the problems of someone who has a mental disorder just because they don’t have those problems and they’re things that they consider simple and a daily part of life. Because that kind of attitude just frustrates and damages the self-esteem of the person with the disorder. And being frustrated, and having low self-esteem just makes it that much harder for those with mental disorders to work at the changes they want to make in themselves. I’m not one for using a mental disorder to excuse behaviors because that implies that no effort is being put into bettering that behavior. I am all for acknowledging that many behaviors and actions can be attributed to having a mental disorder; acknowledging it and understanding it allows for a way to work around it.
All right, I’m getting off my soapbox. I feel like that last huge paragraph was too rambling and jumbled to make any sense.
In any case, I hope you all have a wonderful July 4th weekend! (And that goes for even if you don’t live in the US.)
You should celebrate by dunning.
750 Words — Dreaded Drag’on of Dilatory
No call from Bath and Body Works today, either. I’m just going to go ahead and assume that I didn’t get the job, but I’ll probably call them sometime tomorrow just to make sure. In a fit of rage I applied to two clerical type jobs on Monster, so the quest for a job continues.
Habit RPG has started this new world event thing. A “drag’on” has appeared and is threatening Habitica. Every active user is automatically included in the fight against the drag’on, who takes damage whenever users complete dailies and to-do tasks. It’s interesting to see how lively the Tavern has become on HRPG as a result of this event. It certainly has motivated me a bit more to stay on track with my dailies so that I do the maximum amount of damage possible, and don’t contribute to the rage bar.
Filling up the rage bar triggers its Neglect Strike, which will result in some kind of damage to Habitica. However, that apparently doesn’t mean that we’ve lost or failed the quest. Since people were getting so worried about the rage bar filling up faster than the damage we’re dealing, one of the moderators stated that it’s been planned for that the rage bar will fill at least once. If/when the Dreaded Drag’on of Dilatory is defeated, everyone will get a mantis shrimp pet (which can be raised into a mount), plus 900 XP and 90 gold. Really, the only thing I care about is the pet/mount. I had to Google it when I first looked at the rewards, but check out this shrimp. DOESN’T IT LOOK AWESOME? I mainly like the color-scheme on it, but I guess it does look fairly intimidating as well.
In any case, you guys have HRPG to thank for this sudden daily blog posting style. I definitely recommend trying it for anyone who has been wanting to establish some new lifestyle habits. I mean, this is the cleanest my kitchen has been in months. I have counter space! And an empty sink! I’ve been eating 3 meals a day for 15 days in a row! And I’ve been cooking and eating real meals. I still only weigh 103 pounds or so, but that’s just a minor quibble and not that big a deal. The main thing is that I’ve gained weight and am finally over 100 pounds again.
So I’ve been going strong for about 2 weeks. I finally picked up my Adderall from the post office today, so we’ll see how that affects my habits. Will I become more productive? How difficult will it be for me to eat regularly on the medication?
Speaking of my Adderall, apparently my psychiatrist wrote me a 30-day prescription when I know I specifically asked for a triplicate (90-day). I called the mail-order pharmacy and requested that they send me a copy of the prescription so I could look at it (though I obviously don’t know how to read prescriptions, since I assumed that it was written for a 90-day when it was only a 30-day). I gotta admit, I’m pretty proud of myself for actually calling their customer service line when I realized that there was a problem. I feel like if this had happened while I was in undergrad, I would have balked at the thought of calling people. I may even possibly have just decided to accept it as it was and not make an issue out of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still reluctant to call people and be confrontational even if the situation warrants for it, but I feel I’ve gotten better about it.
In other news (did I use this phrase yesterday, too?), I decided to stop by Walmart and just go ahead and buy some epoxy to fix my watch after looking it up on Amazon last night and finding that smaller, quick-setting bottles of epoxy were sold. If you look at the picture of my watch closely, you might be able to notice that I placed the ring a little bit off. I’m kinda hoping that I didn’t put enough epoxy on and that the ring will fall off again sometime in the future just so I can fix that. I wonder how long that is going to bother me. It feels like it’ll bother me for forever, but that would be a bit pathetic on my part.
I noticed that I’ve become oddly attached to my fail-of-an-arm-knitted-shawl that I made yesterday. Just as I had yesterday, I’m still sitting here with it draped around my shoulders and I keep fidgeting with it, so I’m assuming I like it even though I pretend that I kinda don’t. Maybe I’ll give arm-knitting another go sometime in the near future.
Here is another bonus picture of me sitting derpily with my shawl draped around me.
Until tomorrow~
DUN.
750 Words — Knowing What’s Important
Maybe with this 750-word daily task I have on HRPG, this blog may become a daily blog type of thing. I don’t think that’s particularly good or bad, but it’s just very different from the usual style and pacing of my blog posts — tl;dr and once every like, 6 months. So it might actually be a good thing overall; there would be content on here in between my really long, more thought-out posts, and since some of my longer posts have half been me just summarizing things up until the current time, those longer posts might not end up so long anymore. Ionno. I feel like I don’t do enough in my daily life to have a daily blog, but I guess I can always just switch over to a brain dump if I have nothing to talk about. If anything, it should provide some insight into my thought processes.
Maybe I should start carrying my camera around more often. At least then I’d actually use it. Plus, it would provide me with some media to insert into my posts so it’s not just a massive wall of text. Of course, I could always use my smartphone (and I’m pretty sure the camera on my phone has more MP than my camera), but my camera is in a perfectly usable state, and I feel bad for leaving it just sitting in a drawer for most of the year. That, and sometimes my phone and laptop don’t play nicely when I try to transfer files between the two through a USB cable.
Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure the majority of such pics would just be of my pets, so consider yourself warned.
Hmm, I should also try to do another song cover sometime. I should actually just practice my guitar more often, in general. I’ve added it to my “Habits” list on HRPG, but since it’s not a daily, I’m still letting myself get away with not practicing as much as I should. Same thing goes with learning how to program. That reminds me, I think there was an updated version to the programming book that I supported on Kickstarter. I’ve been dabbling in programming off and on for the past few years (I think the curiosity started when Nightmaren introduced me to Linux way back in freshman year of college), so buying an actual programming book was kinda a way to motivate myself to study it more regularly. I paid money for it, so I should use it, right?!
I’ve noticed I like to use a lot of dashes and parenthetical statements in my sentences. Since I have ADHD, it always annoys me when I come across such things while reading. However, those tend to be references in scientific papers, and so they usually don’t provide any additional insight to the topic being discussed. But when I’m writing a blog or something, I have thoughts interrupting other thoughts so regularly, that there just seems to be no other way around it — and I can’t just leave the interrupting thought out because I consider it to be worth mentioning also.
Speaking of reading scientific/educational texts, eeeeverything seems important when reading educational texts. I’ve started trying to read through the paragraph first to get the gist of what it’s saying, and then go back and highlight relevant information, but it still doesn’t cut down much on what I think should be highlighted. Sometimes I think, “Ohh, this is important because it gives the reason for why the study was performed, so I’ll highlight it. But the following sentence explains why they do this thing in the procedure, so that’s important too, right? Maybe I’ll just highlight it in this other color, then.” “Sometimes” was an understatement. That’s pretty much what I’m thinking all the time when reading through scientific papers. And then with all that multi-colored highlighting the paper is in danger of looking like a rainbow.
I know, I know, bolded words, section headings/titles, things in italics — those are probably things I should highlight. But that just doesn’t feel like enough to me. What usually tends to be the case is that I either highlight nearly everything, or I avoid the stress of trying to figure out what to highlight by just dunning it. I have started to take notes and whatnot in pencil, but it still doesn’t feel like a streamlined and easy process.
Well, that was an unexpected turn of topic. That was kinda fun. Just typing and not planning out what I wanted to say, or agonizing over wording and syntax. This was nice. I hope you readers enjoyed it on some level too, but if you didn’t, well it doesn’t matter (much)! It’s my blog, I write for me, and so I’ll do whatever the heck I want!
That being said, I do appreciate any comments, and thanks for even taking the time to read my blog in the first place. Until next time (maybe even tomorrow?!)~
I feel like I need to have a sign-off on these things. Maybe I’ll just end it with —
DUN IT.
(Fun fact, I just did a numerology thing on my name after reading the inspiration for Balance‘s online handle and this is what I got. How accurate does it sound?)
Phineas Gage
So I’ve been studying for my neuroanatomy final for tomorrow. One of the topics covered in this unit is the functions of the various cerebral cortices. Higher-order function cortices, to be specific.
I have ADHD, which involves an impairment in the prefrontal cortex (PFC).
So while reviewing the slides on the PFC, I get to where we talk about results of lesions to specific areas of the PFC.
I mean, I was already aware of most of this stuff.
But then I saw the name “Phineas Gage” in my notes. He’s the go-to example for what can happen to a person after receiving damage to the orbitofrontal area (OFC) of the PFC.
And then it hit me – I’m ADHD = I have an impaired PFC = I have an impaired OFC = I’M FUSKING PHINEAS GAGE.
I know, it’s pretty obvious, but for some reason I didn’t make the connection until now. And I guess it just stunned me because in general, society doesn’t seem to take ADHD diagnoses very seriously. “It’s overdiagnosed”, “you’re just using it as an excuse to be lazy”, “you faked the diagnosis so you could get the Adderall”, etc. And most are only aware of its effects in an academic setting.
I was only diagnosed about a year and a half ago, and I still sometimes question whether I truly have it, or if I’ve just convinced myself that I do. So I guess suddenly comparing myself to a well-known patient who received damage to the same area in which I have an impairment just made me realize the potential severity of problems that people with ADHD can have.
Ironically, it’s comforting. Of course, I’ll still beat myself up over making impulse purchases, playing video games (or blogging on Tumblr) when I should be studying, being unable to control my temper, not being able to study unless when procrastinating (if even then), spending an hour on an email that should only take 10 minutes max, etc.
But it’s nice to be reassured that my problems aren’t insignificant, that I’m not a failure at life because I’m having so much difficulty doing things that other people do easily or out of habit (e.g., eating regular meals, doing the dishes, taking a shower, getting out of the fusking bed). It’s nice to be able to give myself proof that I have good reason to feel bad about myself.
Wait wat. That last sentence makes sense on some level, I know it does! :<
And of course, this post that was only supposed to take like 10-15 minutes ended up taking an hour (or more?) because ADHD. WOOT.
If anyone’s curious, here’s the link to the paper I used for those paragraph images about Phineas Gage and the OFC. And yes, those of you who came from my twitter, I made a post from the thing I tweeted like an hour ago.
A Sound Soul Dwells Within a Sound Mind and a Sound Body
The title of this post (and the line in the image above) are a quote taken from the Soul Eater manga. It’s a central theme, and in the anime, this line is repeated at the beginning of each episode. I was first introduced to the series during my senior year of high school which was – holy crap – 5 years ago.
I had always appreciated the holistic perspective that this sentence presents regarding one’s well-being, but when I was diagnosed with ADHD and first starting medication for it about a year and a half ago, it became a sort of mantra. Since I was (and still am) prescribed Adderall, I had difficulty sleeping and a suppressed appetite due to the side effects. I still experience those even now, but to a lesser extent — and those first few weeks (or was it months?) were especially rough. In this post, where I first revealed my diagnosis and the sleep/appetite troubles I was having, I even stated that “[s]eeing as a healthy diet, good night’s sleep, and regular exercise are essential in maintaining good health for normal people, the same goes for people suffering from a [mental] disorder.” (Also, wtf, “revealed”? This isn’t some magic show, self.)
Well, I don’t exercise any more than I did back then (i.e., not at all), I’m doing fairly well at maintaining a consistent sleep schedule — or at least, I have been for the past few weeks — and while I still don’t eat as much as I should, at least my weight loss has finally plateaued. In terms of taking care of myself, I haven’t really improved much. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve made much headway on being productive, either. At least, not for my own sake. I’ve known this for a while, but I’m much better at caring for myself and being productive when it’s for someone else.
Which explains why I went so overboard with making spreadsheets and stuff for a guild I joined at the end of February. Seeing as it’s really the first guild I’ve ever been in, I’m still astonished at how much time and effort I’ve put into it, especially since it’s a phone game. I’ve mentioned once before how I always found it difficult to connect with people the few times I played MMOs, in spite of the anonymity that should theoretically allow me to look and act however I want. Apparently I’m as bad at talking to people online as I am in real life.
But I guess I’m not as bad as I once was. I seem to have gained some self-confidence, since it’s become easier to befriend people than it used to be. I’m more laid-back and easy-going than before — and if you’ve only recently met me and think I’m neither of these, then just imagine how bad I must’ve been in the past. I’m sure that holding an officer position during senior year in a student organization with a flamboyant president who has a flair for trolling — and just having them as one of my closest friends for 4 years — played a large part in that. But I feel that the majority of this progress was a result of coming to terms with having ADHD, and thereby being able to understand myself better from that perspective. Having become more accepting of myself in light of that, I’m more comfortable with the idea of talking about my personal shortcomings and struggles. This is partly to reassure others who are having similar difficulties, as well as to hopefully find a self-improvement partner who will keep me accountable and provide encouragement (and I the same for them). Because trying to bootstrap your way to a better you just doesn’t work when you have a bunch of things you want to improve.
And I think this is why I’ve become surprisingly close to a few of the people in my guild. One thing we all seem to have in common is our low self-esteem. We are all self-deprecating, and it makes me so sad when they talk that way. Having done the same thing many times, both on this blog and IRL, I know how mean we can be to ourselves sometimes. When we talk about each other, we focus on the good qualities the other has, but we are reluctant to let ourselves believe each others’ words, because “they haven’t seen how [insert negative adjective here] I am.”
So my main purpose in writing this post is to tell us all to stop listening to ourselves when we’re in the dumps and have only derogatory marks to say. Because we’re wrong! Everyone has their off days, and we’re not as lowly as we think we are. The things we dislike about ourselves, we can change. It’ll probably be hard as fusk, but it’s possible, and I’ll help in any way I can. And don’t even try to convince yourself that you’re not good at anything, because we’ve all shown that we, at the very least, have the capacity to care a great deal about others. The ability to accept and appreciate each other in spite of each others’ faults. And if your low self-esteem is anything like mine, you feel bad for making others worry about you, but feel glad that they do, and then feel bad that you feel glad about someone worrying about you.
So don’t make me worry about you, and just listen to me when I say that you’re better than you think you are.
Believe in me who believes in you.
And if all that was too tl;dr to read, then I think Pink sums it up perfectly.
Is This a Cop-Out?
It’s been a few months since I posted my last (public) blog post, so I suppose it’s about time that I made a new one. I kinda cheated on this one, though, since it’s mostly a copy-pasta of a message I sent to someone I’m subscribed to on YouTube. To be fair, I spent a lot of time on it; then again, I can spend an hour writing an email that should take 10 minutes.
The content of the message isn’t really anything new in regards to myself. As for the person it was sent to, that would be David So. He is a comedian on YouTube who posts weekly vlogs; one of his new year’s resolutions is to become fit, and so he’s started a series of fitness vlogs for accountability.
Like usual, my message was intended to be short, but turned into a wall-of-text. I’m not really one to interact with people on the internet. As one friend put it, I use the internet, but I’m not really a part of it. Commenting on videos (or anything, for that matter) is pretty rare for me, so sending messages to people I don’t know IRL — that’s like a once-in-a-blue-moon type of event. Anyway, the most recent fitness vlog should provide you with a more fleshed-out idea of why I felt compelled to randomly message someone I don’t know on the internets.
“A sound soul dwells within a sound mind and a sound body.” This quote has kind of become my motto, and I think it really fits with the theme of this week’s FFF. In order to feel good or be happy about oneself, you have to be both mentally and physically healthy.
Humans don’t come in just one body type, so being fit isn’t going to look the same for everyone. Mental and physical health affect each other more than people probably realize, and for that reason, I especially admire that you chose not to focus on weight changes in defining your fitness goal.
My motivation to become fit actually comes from a desire to be more mentally healthy. Towards the end of college, I was diagnosed with ADHD; I think one reason why it wasn’t obvious during my childhood is because I played sports, and my parents always made sure I ate properly. In college, on the other hand, I didn’t eat healthily, nor did I exercise regularly. Looking at it that way, it’s no wonder that my brain suddenly wasn’t able to effectively manage life.
Medication helped a little bit, but due to the side effects, I wasn’t eating enough and lost a lot of weight. The severity of it didn’t hit me until even the act of getting out of bed took considerable effort and energy. And by then, taking medication was pointless since I was so fatigued.
After a few weeks of not taking my medication, I’ve managed to gain some weight back. Over the past year or so, I’ve gone to counseling for strategies to work with my ADHD, and to address my low self-esteem issues that could inhibit my progress. By increasing my physical health, I hope that I’ll eventually be able to wean myself off of medication once I’ve established the mental strategies to overcome the challenges my ADHD presents.
I have been subscribed to your channel for a long while (I think, maybe from the beginning?!), and I have always appreciated the food-for-thought that you so deftly incorporate into your videos. You are funny, open-minded, and insightful, but not above acting like a fool, or afraid of admitting that you have faults. For those reasons, you are relatable; so when you say that we’re all capable of achieving our goals, people believe you.
I guess the point of this message is this: seeing your determination and dedication to overcome something that has been a defining characteristic for a majority of your life encourages and motivates me to be just as persistent in my struggle.
David, thank you for all the laughs and life lessons. Watching your videos is something I always look forward to. You’ve got my support, and I look forward to seeing you reach your goal(s).
– Praxis
P.S. Sorry for the wall of text — it started out as a comment, but it apparently wanted to be an essay instead.
All right, so maybe it wasn’t as much of a wall-of-text as I thought, but it sure looked like one in that tiny text-entry box on YouTube.
In other news, I’ve started practicing guitar again, so maybe one day I’ll serenade you — except the guitar will probably drown out my weak singing voice. I’ve also kinda been wanting to do some vlogging, so we’ll see whether or not I’ve gotten markedly better at “public” speaking.
Ummmm, I’ve also got this photo-blog thing on Blipfoto. I know, I know. I’ve already got this blog, why did I make a photo-blog on some other website? Ionno, it’s proven to be slightly easier to keep up with than a traditional blog. Maybe since each post on there is associated with a photo, it keeps me from over-thinking things. And since most of my posts are done from my phone, that also keeps me from writing tons of unnecessary stuff.
Also, also, did you notice? I finally figured out how to center embedded YouTube videos. I’m so pro at blogging.
Well, it’s 5:20 in the morning, so I think it’s safe to say I’ll be skipping class today. Wheee~
Pinky and the Brain – SOP
The following is my statement of purpose from my application to a master’s program for Applied Cognition and Neuroscience.
When I first started college, I knew nothing about neuroscience – as expected. However, after nearly four years of study towards a bachelor’s degree in neuroscience, I still know nothing about it. If anything, my years of undergraduate study have made me more aware of how little I really know. I originally chose the neuroscience major because of a long-standing curiosity in the science behind individual differences in cognition and behavior. Soon enough, studying neuroscience itself became my motivation for studying more neuroscience – a positive feedback loop, if you will. Neuropharmacology explained how physiological changes produced by various drugs affect cognition and behavior; neuroplasticity illustrated the brain’s ability to adapt, and the possible degrees to which that adaptability can be affected by drugs. Cognitive, developmental, and behavioral neuroscience demonstrated how neuroplasticity, neurophysiology, and neuropharmacology affect (and are also affected by) learning and memory.
The integration of the various branches of neuroscience occurs at so many levels that the study of one invariably leads to another. Studying neuroscience has made me realize that we still have much to learn, and that what we do know is infinitesimal in comparison to what we do not know. It has taught me to focus more on understanding concepts (and less on memorizing facts), and to apply those concepts in everyday life. Though these could be said of all sciences, neuroscience was the catalyst in my developing these views. In studying the role of the nervous system in cognition and other biological systems, I have gained a greater appreciation for other sciences (such as chemistry and physics) in which my knowledge is poor.
Many neuroscience courses used scientific papers as reading material; through learning how to interpret scientific papers, these courses allowed me to further develop my critical thinking skills. Rather than taking a research paper at face value, I have learned to use my current knowledge to search for possible confounding factors, the importance of a data set in the overall findings of the study, ways in which the study could be improved, and future applications or studies of the findings. These classes have also given me practice in presenting and discussing new topics, especially in regards to adjusting the semantics of my speech to suit the audience’s level of knowledge. For a brief period of time, I volunteered in Dr. Filbey’s lab, where I gained some basic insight into the protocols, tasks, and imagining techniques used in human research (on addictive disorders).
In high school, I earned high grades with little effort. During freshman year, I quickly found that achieving the same grades in college required a great deal more effort. I struggled with attention and time-management issues, but figured that these problems were due to a lack of practice and experience. In sophomore year, I tried various study strategies, none of which seemed very helpful. During junior year, I went to regular counseling sessions; the first was because I wanted to be evaluated for ADHD, but subsequent sessions were devoted to general stress management. Throughout all of this, my grades only improved slightly, and I continued to have attention and time-management issues. So, in the fall of my senior year, I sought psychiatric help and was diagnosed with ADHD.
Even with a professional diagnosis, I was reluctant to accept that I had ADHD. Accepting the diagnosis felt equivalent to using ADHD as a scapegoat, while denying it suggested that my previous efforts were not sincere enough. None of my neuroscience classes had discussed ADHD in depth, so to understand it better – and potentially myself – I began reading research papers. Since being diagnosed, I have accumulated papers covering various aspects of ADHD, such as studying strategies, coping mechanisms, and genetic, physiological, and behavioral studies. This entire process has taught me a great deal about myself, especially in regards to how I respond to stress. As a result, I am better prepared to handle any difficulties I might encounter during my graduate studies.
Out of the many aspects of neuroscience, neuroplasticity, learning, memory, and cognitive neuroscience have been areas of continual interest. In addition to studying each individually, I am interested in studying their interrelationship. In pursuing a master’s degree in Applied Cognition and Neuroscience, I hope to explore these areas in more depth. If possible, for my area of specialization, I would focus on these aspects in regards to neurological disorders and brain damage. I wish to research in one of the neuroscience labs in order to expand my shallow understanding of research, and to augment my conceptual understanding of neuroscience. My current plan is to enter medical school after earning my degree, but I also view the master’s program as an opportunity to explore all possible career paths. My post-graduate objective is to make an informed decision in choosing a career path using the experience gained during the program.
My Last Resort: Asking for Help
My parents visited this past weekend, and I finally tried talking to them about waiting another year before applying to med school and staying here to do a master’s program. Of course, things tend to not go as well as planned, and I wasn’t able to get my parents to understand or listen to my reasoning. Not knowing how else I could explain things to them, I figured it was time to ask my uncle for help. Continue reading “My Last Resort: Asking for Help”