This is why I regard my friends so highly. Never having had a wealth of friends, and not wanting to be the kind of person that had tons of “friends” whom I would more consider acquaintances in that case, I treasure the ones I find. I try hard to maintain contact with them. I try hard to make the people I call friends (which, I suppose, might equate to the term “best friend” for others) happy and do things that please them. I feel that, for the people who already make me laugh so easily, care when I’m upset, are willing to help me when I need it, and do many other things which I cannot think of at the moment, the fact that I can make them happy automatically makes me happy. I do not like it when y’all are upset or stressed, especially if there’s nothing I can do about it. It makes me feel useless.
I don’t like not being able to see you guys much outside of classes because I feel like I might be forgotten about. That’s why, that one time at the end of last semester, I hit Cameron when I saw him. Having not seen or really heard from him in a while, I was afraid that he might not consider me much of a friend anymore, and I was upset with both him and myself. Shouldn’t I have put more effort into at least trying to talk to him regularly, as he should have? I realize that logic seems kind of stupid and perhaps paranoid. When I compare the friendships I have with all of you to what I see of the friendships you have with each other, I feel somewhat left out. And therefore, when I get to spend time with all of you, I feel privileged. Just being with you guys and watching you interact can make me happy because of that reason.
I suppose, in a way, when I find someone I call a friend, I become clingy and dependent upon them. At least, to me it seems this way. I restrain myself, though, or try, so that I don’t become overbearing or annoying. If I have something to say that’s important to me, but y’all don’t have the time to talk anymore, I won’t say it and keep you further. There’s probably a good chance that I won’t bring it up the next time we talk because I don’t want to bother you with it. The only problem is that I then keep it pent up inside of me, and it might affect my behavior later on. I don’t want to upset y’all, though, so if something’s bothering me, I try not to let it show. I just want for you all to be happy and spend some time with me. And for that, I would do almost anything.
I have a hard time finding people I can talk to about such deep things easily. Even among my friends, there are only a few whom I am comfortable talking about serious matters with. But if you don’t have the time, or the topic bothers you, even if it’s rather important to me, I’ll stop. I’m happy when I can find people whom I can confide in, and even happier when the people I trust can trust me enough to confide in me.
If, in the end, for some reason, I can’t be friends with any of you anymore, I think I’ll be able to handle being alone again.
Anything to make you happy.