I had a dream

That I overslept again and both Toto and Jager peed everywhere in my apartment. And then my parents visited me and where like, “Wtf.” And they brought McDonald’s to eat for dinner. What? I guess that’s what I get for taking a 3-hour nap at four in the afternoon. So, my first counseling session was on Monday afternoon, and while it was kinda weird to be going to counseling, overall, I was comfortable with who I had been assigned as a counselor. I have to attend a few more sessions before being able to see the psychiatrist, and if I want to know from them whether or not I have ADD/ADHD, I’d have to go to an off-site testing area to get tested (which would cost money). If I don’t want to wait til I’m eligible to see the psychiatrist on campus, then I have to find one off campus and either get tested by them, or just talk with them and see if they think that I do have ADD/ADHD (which would still cost money). I’m not sure whether or not I want to wait, as most of the studying tips she suggested are things I have already tried. One of my friends suggested I write in my books while I study as it helps one concentrate on what they’re actually reading if they actively take notes; while I can see that working, my mind immediately balked at the idea and said, “NO, it is forbidden!” And some of the textbooks I have do not belong to me. As for my anger issues, she suggested that I try meditating daily. And said I should try and have a healthier lifestyle in general, which I know I should. I haven’t been really getting quality sleep lately, I never really ate regularly or healthily (I have more incentive when I’m cooking for other people, rather than for just myself), and I am soooo out of shape. I’m hoping to remedy that this coming semester by making a schedule that has me starting classes at the same time every day and finishing early in the afternoon, allowing me time to get into a habit of waking up at the same time every morning and giving me time to work out for an hour every afternoon. Wish me luck! I’m also much closer to the Activity Center than I was last year, so making the trip from my apartment won’t be as much of a deterrent when it’s cold. Or freezing. 8:40 – It’s so easy to get sidetracked watching videos of cats. Pretty sure I started writing this blog at 8.  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss So that was my dog, Toto, giving his input. Maybe he was trying to imitate the creepers from Minecraft. Speaking of pets, I think Jager and Toto were actually playing today! Well, Toto always tries to play with Jager, so that’s not news. However I think Jager was playing hide-n-seek with Toto today. It’s big news! It really is! I’ve never seen Jager play with Toto like that before. Anyway . . . Hmm. Last night I was out shopping, so on the way back I stopped at my ex-boyfriend’s to pick up some stuff that I’d forgotten. We ended up talking for a while, and it became pretty clear to me that we’re better friends than we are boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m glad that I had the chance to talk with him. It’s put my mind at ease. Even though I haven’t been strong in my faith in the past, I can’t help feeling that God helped me out with this one. My close friends were very supportive of me once I told them, and even having the initiative to go and talk to Chris in the first place was not something I would have been able to do easily in the past. I’m glad with how this whole situation concluded. I am uber excited for this weekend; my friend, Beth, is visiting Dallas for a swing dance class she’s taking with her swing dance club. Since it’s close to campus, she’s spending the night at my apartment for the weekend, and we haven’t been able to really hang out in a long while. (That was another reason why I feel God was really helping me this past week.) In addition, one of my other friends is having her birthday party on Sunday (eating out and going bowling). I love to bowl, so I think it’ll be fun overall, even though I probably won’t know anyone besides the birthday girl. The only damper is that I have a biochem exam next Monday, so I should really be studying right now instead of blogging. I haven’t even eaten dinner yet! I’m soooo bad. My ex has a snake and it’s so cool and I want a snake. My house is going to have a zoo.
  • heylogan

    Soooooo I feel like we must have gone through some of the exact same phases in college. Freshman and sophomore year were absolutely horrid for me focus-wise. I bought books on learning styles and personality types. I tried everything they said. I went to all of my classes; I went to none of my classes. I took a ton of notes on the book; I took no notes… It went on ad infinitum. Eventually I went to Goddard (health place on campus) to get tested for ADD or whatever. They asked first if I could be anxious or depressed, and I said I wasn’t. So they ran tests. And to be honest, the testing for ADD/ADHD is some of the most ridiculous stuff on the face of this planet. They really don’t know how to tell for certain who has it and who doesn’t. Anyway, as it would happen, I *didn’t* have it.

    So. Awesome. Still couldn’t study. A month of two pass by, and I’m at my wit’s end. I’m not eating, I’m always nauseous, always feel like crying, and I hide in my bed as often as possible. I go back to Goddard and tell them I think I might be depressed. Okay. I was.

    All of that gets worked out.

    I still suck at studying. I haven’t given up trying to focus and be one of those stellar students that studies and does homework before-the-night-before, but I am coming to better terms with it. I mean, I’m a senior. If I haven’t figured it out yet, chances are that if I don’t figure it out by the time I graduate, I will still graduate. I’ll still make okay grades. Not as good as I could make, but I’ll survive.

    But it’s super hard, isn’t it? The one thing I *have* been learning this year and the last is to not give up. Because that was the worst thing about the procrastination techniques I picked up when I was depressed. At the end, when I was supposed to be cramming, I’d get overwhelmed and give up. And fail. And it’d be harder to study for the next test, and the next.

    I don’t know what all you’re going through, but I just wanted to share part of my struggle, so you can talk to me about yours if you need to. The biggest lesson God taught me–the reason I was depressed– is because I was living under a ton of condemnation. And feeling guilty and upset about failing wasn’t helping me succeed at all.

    So I hope the counseling works out, and I hope you get your studying figured out, but if not, don’t let it weigh you down. What’s more important is not the facts and figures you’re studying in college, but the spiritual lessons that God wants to use college to teach you.

  • Rebekah

    Right? I was thinking the same thing. A lot of things I’ve picked up in last year or two have just been things that I can do in spite of my procrastination. Like, I keeping my procrastination in mind, I have developed some tactics that have helped me not fail all of my classes. The biggest one (and it’s so painful, but there’s no way around it sometimes) is where I will go to sleep at around 8 or 9 the night before an exam and wake up at like 11 or 12. Then the only thing I am allowed to do between then and my exam is study. And I’m nervous enough that I can focus a decent amount. That way I get *some* sleep, and I save a good number of hours for panic-driven focus. Yeah.

    Otherwise, I’ve started forgiving myself. I didn’t study this weekend like I wanted to? Let it go. I have waited until the night before for 8000000 tests, and the test isn’t until, say, Thursday, which means if I let go of the guilt for not studying the weekend before, perhaps I can still motivate myself to study by Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday, etc. If not, I still let it go. Feeling like shit doesn’t help. Just never give up. You only have an hour left before the exam? Don’t give up. That is the only thing you can do for yourself sometimes. And the more you get into the habit of not giving up, I think the closer you can get to the kind of study habits you really, really want.

    But yeah, it’s awful. We’re supposed to be smart, right? Why we do fail so much? Blaaaaah. But I’ve gotten so much closer to God throughout these struggles, so if His plan is just to use them to strengthen my faith, then I guess it’s fine with me. Organic Chemistry means nothing in the grand scheme of things. We’re supernatural beings; everything we do here is only preparation for eternity. Sooo maybe you don’t have a 4.0, but maaaybe you learn some things that are far more important. And God’s going to get you where he wants you regardless of your GPA. That’s what I usually think about. Him and I are in this together, we always will be, and I’m just going to go where he leads. Because he alone can satisfy.

  • Rebekah

    And I forgot to mention– They charged me 10 dollars, I think. Every session at Goddard is just 10 dollars for students, no matter what they do. Unless you visit the physical therapist (which I had to do several times). That’s 50 bucks an hour.

    It was just super dumb stuff. Like one test was this computer program that would spit out different letters, and I had to click something every time an X popped up…stuff that didn’t make any sense. Because correct me if I’m wrong, but even ADD kids can focus on computer games enough to finish them, eh?

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