It’s been a few months since I posted my last (public) blog post, so I suppose it’s about time that I made a new one. I kinda cheated on this one, though, since it’s mostly a copy-pasta of a message I sent to someone I’m subscribed to on YouTube. To be fair, I spent a lot of time on it; then again, I can spend an hour writing an email that should take 10 minutes.
The content of the message isn’t really anything new in regards to myself. As for the person it was sent to, that would be David So. He is a comedian on YouTube who posts weekly vlogs; one of his new year’s resolutions is to become fit, and so he’s started a series of fitness vlogs for accountability.
Like usual, my message was intended to be short, but turned into a wall-of-text. I’m not really one to interact with people on the internet. As one friend put it, I use the internet, but I’m not really a part of it. Commenting on videos (or anything, for that matter) is pretty rare for me, so sending messages to people I don’t know IRL — that’s like a once-in-a-blue-moon type of event. Anyway, the most recent fitness vlog should provide you with a more fleshed-out idea of why I felt compelled to randomly message someone I don’t know on the internets.
“A sound soul dwells within a sound mind and a sound body.” This quote has kind of become my motto, and I think it really fits with the theme of this week’s FFF. In order to feel good or be happy about oneself, you have to be both mentally and physically healthy.
Humans don’t come in just one body type, so being fit isn’t going to look the same for everyone. Mental and physical health affect each other more than people probably realize, and for that reason, I especially admire that you chose not to focus on weight changes in defining your fitness goal.
My motivation to become fit actually comes from a desire to be more mentally healthy. Towards the end of college, I was diagnosed with ADHD; I think one reason why it wasn’t obvious during my childhood is because I played sports, and my parents always made sure I ate properly. In college, on the other hand, I didn’t eat healthily, nor did I exercise regularly. Looking at it that way, it’s no wonder that my brain suddenly wasn’t able to effectively manage life.
Medication helped a little bit, but due to the side effects, I wasn’t eating enough and lost a lot of weight. The severity of it didn’t hit me until even the act of getting out of bed took considerable effort and energy. And by then, taking medication was pointless since I was so fatigued.
After a few weeks of not taking my medication, I’ve managed to gain some weight back. Over the past year or so, I’ve gone to counseling for strategies to work with my ADHD, and to address my low self-esteem issues that could inhibit my progress. By increasing my physical health, I hope that I’ll eventually be able to wean myself off of medication once I’ve established the mental strategies to overcome the challenges my ADHD presents.
I have been subscribed to your channel for a long while (I think, maybe from the beginning?!), and I have always appreciated the food-for-thought that you so deftly incorporate into your videos. You are funny, open-minded, and insightful, but not above acting like a fool, or afraid of admitting that you have faults. For those reasons, you are relatable; so when you say that we’re all capable of achieving our goals, people believe you.
I guess the point of this message is this: seeing your determination and dedication to overcome something that has been a defining characteristic for a majority of your life encourages and motivates me to be just as persistent in my struggle.
David, thank you for all the laughs and life lessons. Watching your videos is something I always look forward to. You’ve got my support, and I look forward to seeing you reach your goal(s).
– Praxis
P.S. Sorry for the wall of text — it started out as a comment, but it apparently wanted to be an essay instead.
All right, so maybe it wasn’t as much of a wall-of-text as I thought, but it sure looked like one in that tiny text-entry box on YouTube.
In other news, I’ve started practicing guitar again, so maybe one day I’ll serenade you — except the guitar will probably drown out my weak singing voice. I’ve also kinda been wanting to do some vlogging, so we’ll see whether or not I’ve gotten markedly better at “public” speaking.
Ummmm, I’ve also got this photo-blog thing on Blipfoto. I know, I know. I’ve already got this blog, why did I make a photo-blog on some other website? Ionno, it’s proven to be slightly easier to keep up with than a traditional blog. Maybe since each post on there is associated with a photo, it keeps me from over-thinking things. And since most of my posts are done from my phone, that also keeps me from writing tons of unnecessary stuff.
Also, also, did you notice? I finally figured out how to center embedded YouTube videos. I’m so pro at blogging.
Well, it’s 5:20 in the morning, so I think it’s safe to say I’ll be skipping class today. Wheee~
After spending most of August cramming for my second retake of the infamous MCAT, life as a grad student has been pretty. . . lazy? I know I have lots of stuff I could be working on for classes, but it’s hard maintaining a grip on time when each class only meets one a week. And considering that I already have difficulty with that as is, it’s probably fairly safe to say that grad school is totally throwing me for a loop.
I’ve only just realized that it’s time to start registering for spring classes, and that was because the administrative assistant of my grad program kindly sent out an email informing grad students of if, along with the necessary forms we’d need to fill out in order to register for classes next semester. Safe to say I was completely surprised, and I’m still not sure I’ve accepted this information.
A friend gave me this research as a birthday present. It is easily one of my favorite shirts now. In fact, I’m wearing this shirt RIGHT NOW (while writing this blog).
So I’ve been kinda MIA for a few months. My summer was pretty busy — graduation stuff, visiting home because we discovered that my dad had prostate cancer (luckily, we found it in the early stages, and he was able to have it surgically removed), and cramming (again) for the MCAT.
I’m sure you’ve noticed the title for this blog by now (if you hadn’t already — should’ve been the first thing you read, right?), and you might be wondering what that means. After all, didn’t I just say that I spent part of my summer cramming for the MCAT? The SOP for my application to the master’s program even said that I was planning on entering med school following completion of the program, so I obviously was pre-med and wanted to be a doctor. There it is. Was. I was pre-med, and I wanted to be a doctor. Past tense.
I briefly mentioned in my last vlog that I started working in a lab at the end of the spring semester. Maybe if my summer had been less busy (I was driving from Dallas to Brenham practically every week in June), I would’ve noticed sooner that I really enjoyed working in a lab. Well, that lab in particular, but working in that lab also made me realize exactly how much I love learning about neuroscience. Apparently I love it more than helping people. Or, at least, more than helping people in a career where I’d undoubtedly be full of self-doubt and always wondering if I could’ve done this, or should’ve done that. I wasn’t particularly fond of the idea of residency and working long hours. Yeah, the nuggets of happiness and fulfillment that come from seeing that you’ve made a difference in someone’s life are amazing, but I don’t think I have the type of personality that’s able to withstand the emotionally taxing aspects of being in medicine. I already make sure that my self-esteem stays kinda low, I don’t need all of that stress to make it even lower. I just know that I’d be the type of doctor who lets medicine completely take over her life, always stressing about her patients and being unable to maintain a healthy distance from it. As someone who intends to have a family at some point in the future, that’s not fair to anyone.
In retrospect, reading this book probably also helped me decide to go for a PhD. It’s fiction, but the stories are all based on the author’s med school experience. It’s a quick, easy, and well-written read, so I recommend you at least check it out. (Clicking on the image will take you to the author’s blog post for her book.)
I guess the bottom line was that I couldn’t see myself as being truly happy if I were to pursue medicine as a career. I don’t think I would dislike it necessarily, but I too easily see myself being perpetually stressed about patients, or not being able to spend time with my family for a birthday or holiday because I was unable to request the day off. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that I already have trouble maintaining a healthy balance between work and personal life, so I’m sure I would be much worse at it as a (medical) doctor. I know I’d burn myself out.
So I’ve spent a majority of this semester just hashing that whole thought-process out, making sure the idea of pursuing a PhD wasn’t attractive just because it was novel. I’m still trying to convince myself that I’m not “running” from medicine as a career, or that I’m too weak-willed to overcome the rigors of medical school. Part of the strategy for that is telling myself that it takes some degree of strength to face these faults and make the decision that’s right for you.
Anyway, if that all was a little tl;dr for you, here’s a nice, quick, bullet-point list giving the main reasons for me deciding to go for a PhD instead of an MD/DO.
Why I chose PhD over MD :
I love neuroscience.
Studies are more self-directed. (I learn what I want. Meaning neuroscience. Just neuroscience.)
If I work as a TA/RA during my PhD studies, it covers my tuition and gives me some extra to live off of. (I can lessen the financial burden on my parents.)
Work hours are more flexible. (I work when I want.)
Medicine is still an option after finishing my PhD.
I will say that I’ve been pretty happy since making the decision to pursue a PhD, and that I’ve also been much more proactive in finding out what I need to do to apply to PhD programs than I ever was for the med school application process. Now I need to work on getting myself focused on classes again, as well as establishing a more healthy lifestyle and getting back up to a healthy weight. ‘Cause holy heeby-geebies, I’ve really lost a lot of weight since starting Adderall last fall. It didn’t hit me how big the amount was until I found myself spending consecutive days mainly in bed because I didn’t have the energy to do anything else. In fact, I missed my class last Monday because I got nauseous whenever I got up or even sat up for any length of time. Even lying in bed was getting tiresome. At one point I fell asleep on my bedroom floor. Using a 3-skein yarn pack as a pillow. Yep.
I’ve been alternating days off of Adderall this past week, and I’ve found myself eating so much/often that I’m thinking about adding a “mad-munchies” category to The Watch Glass where I document all the stuff I’ve eaten that day. (I’ve actually kinda been doing that already through the Android app for Blipfoto. Maybe I’ll just stick with that. Also, I have way too many different social website accounts.) I also started counseling again through my university’s counseling center (12 sessions/year are included in the tuition), so hopefully I’ll be able to get myself back on track. I’ve definitely seen an increase in motivation to do mundane things (like cook for myself lols) since my mad-munchies fest, so that’s a good sign.
Note to self: don’t ever vlog again while driving. What are you, stupid?
Disclaimer (10/28/13): I wrote up this list sometime during the spring semester (after a related Journey Into Medicine class lecture), but had planned on fleshing it out more before posting it. Now that I’ve decided to pursue a PhD, I’m publishing it as-is, and also post-dating it to the last time I had edited it.
Stress levels in med school, residency
Expectation to appear professional at all times, to ALWAYS look put-together
Inevitable meltdown(s)
Crying = weak
Gender double-standards
Expectation to deal with problems on our own
But then work as part of a team to care for patients
“Every man for himself”, self-centered culture
Discourages asking for help
Unwillingness to do something for another person if there’s no personal gain
Expectation by patients and fellow doctors (society as a whole) to prioritize work over all else, even to disregard personal health save for extreme debilitating circumstances
Because any work you don’t get done = more work for someone else
Or lose revenue from appointment cancellations because you’re out sick
All right, here’s the outline of what’s sure to be a tl;dr post. (There was originally more to the outline but then my tl;dr post was becoming too tl;dr and I had to break it up because I’m fail.) Summary:
End of fall semester
Winter break
WoW all day every day
Start of spring semester
So in my last post, I was all conflicted about whether I truly have ADHD, or if I just convinced myself that I do, which then caused me to subconsciously adopt behaviors indicative of ADHD. I spent the last few weeks of the semester kinda out of it, probably. I continued to experiment with Adderall dosages, which also means that I was subject to its side effects also (mainly loss of appetite and trouble sleeping). Which meant that I didn’t eat enough — and I already have poor eating habits — nor did I sleep enough. I also suddenly had to deal with another health issue that cropped up; I got medicine for it. Like the Adderall, it suppressed my appetite, but what’s worse is that it did not play well with the Adderall at all. After two days of trying to take the two medications together and feeling completely nauseated and miserable, I decided to hold off on the Adderall until I finished the other medicine (10 days or something like that). The best part is that it didn’t even fix my problem! (Which resolved itself over winter break.) Anyhow, with all that going on, I don’t know how I managed to get A’s in all my courses. Some were A-‘s, but I had expected to get a B+ or something in those anyway, so I’m very pleased with how my semester ended.
Brad apparently wants me to be more acquainted with alcohol.
My last final was during the week before Christmas, so I don’t think I got home until the 22nd or so. Christmas didn’t really feel like Christmas this year. Christmas Eve with the extended family didn’t have the festive vibe compared to previous years. Apparently the explanation as to why Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas needed to be a post of it’s own. It’s all about my family’s dynamics (password: “family”). Anyway, I had 3 weeks for winter break. The first week I spent at my parents’ house because they had the week off on holiday. I remember watching lots of movies, and then some post-Christmas shopping at the mall (to look for good deals and presents for my dad’s birthday in January). The second week was spent at my sister’s house in Austin, most of which was spent playing WoW with her and Brad. On New Year’s Eve, we played pretty much until midnight — or I did, since I’d just gotten a one month subscription because it was being offered super cheap that weak and needed to lvl up my toons to where they could take main-story quests. And then I went back to lvling up my toon while Brad played some D3 and my sister fell asleep.
Living it up on New Year’s Eve playing WoW in the footie pajamas my sister gave me for Christmas.
The last week was spent back at my parents’ house. During Thanksgiving, my mom had requested that I make a beanie and scarf for my dad’s Christmas present. I wasn’t able to do that in time for Christmas and had to give him something else. Luckily, my dad’s birthday is in January, so I had a second chance. Since his birthday was after the start of classes, my mom also wanted to celebrate his birthday before I left. Since I was on break and had so much free time, I was in charge of making a cake and wrapping the presents. We (I) planned on celebrating the Friday before classes started, to give me as much time as possible to finish the scarf. Now, I’d managed to knit the hat during all the movie-watching the first week of my break. I’d started the scarf, but obviously didn’t make much progress during the week spent at my sister’s house. I worked on it somewhat on Monday and Tuesday, though most of Monday night was spent obsessing over finding a way to get my dad’s cheapo brand LED TV to work with his outdated surround sound system. Due to overnight shipping being unexpectedly and exorbitantly expensive, Wednesday morning I had to pick up my sister’s wedding invitations in Houston, then drive to Austin that same day to help her assemble them since Brad was visiting his family out-of-state. I planned on driving back to my parents’ house on Friday.
Not too shabby-looking! Especially since it was the first time I’d ever decorated a cake.
We definitely didn’t work on invitations Wednesday night; I think we just watched movies until we fell asleep, and I spent most of that time working on my dad’s scarf. I’m sure we didn’t get up until sometime in the afternoon on Thursday, and we didn’t start working on the invitations until close to midnight. Or maybe a little after. We finished them a lot faster than we expected — within 2-3 hours. I think it was because we had FRIENDS running on the TV while we worked. Which we then sat and watched until we fell asleep once we were done. Or my sister did, at least. I went back to working mindlessly on my dad’s scarf. Thankfully the FRIENDS dvd automatically starts playing the episodes after a certain amount of time on the menu screen, otherwise I would’ve gone crazy listening to the theme song repeat over and over. Around 5 or 6 in the morning, I stopped knitting and took a quick nap, after having nodded off while knitting so many times before. My progress was frustratingly slower than expected and it was Friday and I was supposed to go home that day and I still had to bake and decorate a cake and what the heck how am I supposed to do all of this stuff —
My dad opening his birthday presents — stuffed in a shoebox that had recently held a newly-bought pair of boots. After wearing the hat and scarf for a while, he said that they made him feel hot. My mom was like, “Good! Then they’ll keep you warm outside too.”
But I managed somehow. I left my sister’s house a lot later than I’d planned, but I managed to finish the cake and the scarf without either turning out too ugly. Sped the 1.5 hours home and ate dinner with my parents, who lovingly waited for me so that we could all eat together. And then I went back out to my car to sneak in the cake and scarf without my dad noticing. Needless to say, the presents weren’t wrapped, but it’s just paper and we only had Christmas paper anyway. Aaghhhhh why do I fail at summaries? Like anyone really cared to know all those little details. I write for forever. I JUST HAVE SO MUCH TO BLOG ABOUT BECAUSE I HAVE NOBODY TO TALK TO. ;; So, beginning of spring semester. I got an internship at a hospice where I basically am a volunteer whose only responsibility is to be friends with the hospice patients. I’m in an MCAT class and I’m supeeeeerrrrrr behind on homework and stuff. Meaning that I haven’t started. My car had a sudden weird breakdown a month ago involving brake calipers and overheating causing a failsafe to kick in that shut down my engine and there was some huge rats nest in my engine and I’m finally taking it to the dealership tomorrow but have been driving it sparingly since that incident and it’s like noooormmmaallll. But apparently it’s total bs for my car to have had that problem since it’s a 2009 model and those problems are power-train related and are supposed to be covered for like 100,000 miles and my car’s only around 35,000. Oh wow, look at how quickly that devolved I’ve been up for 36 hours run on sentences forever. And there was this one night that it snowed and I was like “Oh shi–” and went back into a knitting frenzy to make beanies for my friends that were supposed to have been their Christmas presents for like 2010. And then the weather got all warm like it was trolling me and this semester was supposed to be easy but it’s not and I’m losing my marbles. More reasons contributing to loss of marbles to be covered in next blog post.
Disclaimer: Guys, this one’s a doozy of a post. I think it might require some mental preparation on your part. Really. Guys, this post is ~4700 words long. I just wrote a freaking essay.
I’M SO SORRY IT’S SO LONG. As usual, I ramble way too much, and the rambling is probably exacerbated by the fact that I’ve been up all night. I’m also out of practice, having not vlogged in quite some time. Of course, it only gets worse as the video gets longer! Maybe you should just skip this post. The text/blog portion will be a TL;DR thing anyway. Don’t you like how I speak in run-on sentences? Or if not run-ons, really choppy and stuttered sentences? LOL my voice gets kinda croaky at the end. Wanna see the original take? It’s 2 minutes shorter!
I know that vlogs are supposed to be a kind of standalone thing, but I seem to be unable to just have a vlog by itself. I think it’s only happened once so far. In any case, what with my spectacular speaking abilities, I feel that most of the things I say in the vlog need to be further clarified, or at least more fleshed out.
I’m pretty sure the Batman game was my sister’s, and the Beauty and the Beast one was mine.
So I started with . . . my laptop? After waiting over a month for Lenovo to deliver my laptop, I finally got fed up and canceled my order. Within a week, I found an Asus laptop of similar build and pricing and promptly went to buy it in person from a nearby Microcenter. If you read my last post, you’ll remember that I never really had a chance to play mmos and build online friendships through that. Well, with my new laptop, I’m able to play most of the games that I own. Nightmaren suggested I try Eden Eternal, an mmo that s/he began playing during the summer. After about a week of playing Eden and (for the most part) ignoring the rest of the world, I reached level 40 and grew tired. I’d found a few people with whom I partied with more than once, but they didn’t get on regularly; after a few days of grinding on quests by myself, I stopped logging on regularly also. I kind of feel like MMOs aren’t my style of gaming, but since I’m new to MMO, maybe I just need to give it a second chance. Then again, I’m hesitant because MMOs require time and dedication, and if I focus on MMOs, then I’ll fall behind in my studies. And that’s exactly what I’m trying to prevent, what with the psychiatric appointments and Adderall. I failed to mention it in my second take, but I bought a PS2 bundle off of eBay that came with 2 DDR pads and 4-5 DDR games (and a whole bunch of other games that I don’t really care about). My justification for it was that I could use it to exercise, and since I would have fun playing DDR, I would be more likely to consistently exercise and work my way up to a healthier lifestyle. Well, that hasn’t worked out so far; most of the time, I get the urge to play late at night (10 pm or later), so then I refrain because I don’t want to disturb my downstairs neighbor. Sometimes I wonder if I even have a downstairs neighbor — I’ve never seen anyone enter/exit that apartment, nor seen light filter through their blinds at night. Now I sound like a stalker. (21:40, took Toto out to go to the restroom and saw that lights were on in the downstairs apartment, so someone does live there. /creeper)
I feel stupid when I take pictures of myself with a normal smile or in a normal pose. So, naturally, I make stupid faces and poses in order to make myself feel less stupid.
In the vlog, I mention that my ex-boyfriend referred me to my psychiatrist. In a past post, I vaguely hinted that my ex and I started dating again. And now we’re not again! Yayyy. I really don’t remember what I said in my vlog and secret vlog regarding this topic, but just to give you the gist: we broke up in October (again), this time more on a mutual note and because, though we enjoy each other’s company, each of us has a peeve that the other can’t/won’t change, which is a big enough peeve to keep us from being compatible as boyfriend/girlfriend. Next item to flesh out is . . . my hair. I think I said all that needed to be said on this topic, but I do have a picture for you to see what my hair looked like with the highlights. And you get to see my “new” glasses! I know they’re pretty hipster-looking, but they’re prescription glasses, and I’ve always liked the look of thick frames. I just didn’t think I could pull it off, and up til now I’ve been getting my glasses solely from my uncle’s business (he’s an optometrist), which has a rather small selection of frames compared to online or even Walmart. Anyway, I got a coupon for a pair of free frames from coastal.com, and their policy is that you can send them back if you don’t like them. Luckily, I like them, so I didn’t have to worry about that. I didn’t notice on the website, but the front corners of the glasses (the silver spots) are math symbols; one is a multiplication sign, the other a division sign. There’s an equal sign on each temple. The color of the highlights looks more reddish in this picture, but the actual color of the dye was fuchsia. I think after a couple of washes the color bled out to this pinkish-red color. The first time I got the highlights (actually, Chris did them for me) was in June, so by the time I (Chris) redid them in August or September, they were pretty faded; however, they faded really prettily, as opposed to some colors/dyes that turn dull or some unflattering shade. Honestly, I liked having the highlights (my parents were of another opinion), but my hair grows too fast for me to really enjoy the look for long. I have to give props to Chris, though. He did the highlights for me both times and was also the one to dye my hair back to a more natural color; I’ve gotten compliments every time.
My mom’s learning how to text! And teaching me Vietnamese at the same time! Lol I referenced Google translate so many times for my responses.
Anyway, that’s enough of my vanity. As promised, I’ve included a screenshot of the text conversation with my mom. Judging by the timestamps, it takes my mom approximately 20 minutes to type out a text. Considering that she’s typing with her pinky (her pinkies are the only fingers with nails short enough to allow for accuracy and precision) and that I only taught her how to use the QWERTY keyboard on Friday night, she’s doing really well! I’m proud of her. And her texts only have one or two typoed words, and that’s just because the android keyboard is trying to predict words for her in English. After some research (sacrificing time that would be better spent doing my bio lab review), I was able to find the Swiftkey Vietnamese Beta (I’ve always used Swiftkey). I haven’t used the Vietnamese keyboard yet (I installed the English language pack also), but hopefully the Vietnamese predictions will be close to conversational Viet. Even if it’s not, as long as you correct it, Swiftkey will learn and adapt to your preference. I hope that it’ll make things easier for my mom when I install it on her phone during Christmas break.
I suggest you stop here and take a break. The following content is a little raw and will probably be heavy going. Sorry for the wall of text.
I really have great parents. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for their unconditional love and support. Sure, they can be a little overbearing sometimes, but they’re entitled to that, with all the things they’ve had to go through as immigrants. Since I can’t seem to motivate myself to care about my studies or future, my knowledge of the hard work they’ve gone through to support and provide for me (without question) should help guilt me into trying harder. It still might not be enough, though. At the end of my psychiatric appointment, the psychiatrist (we’ll call him Dr. Stein) gave me a sheet with general precautions to take with my psychotropic medication, the bottom half of which had an area where the psychiatrist could write recommendations and instructions for the prescription. Along with a titration plan for the Adderall XR (I just noticed today that it’s extended release), Dr. Stein listed a couple of resources that would give me more information about ADHD and strategies to manage it, in addition to the Adderall. While I haven’t found any strategies that are applicable or new to me, I found articles that discuss ADHD symptoms, some of which I now see I’ve had, but didn’t (or refused) to connect to ADHD. Then again, many ADHD symptoms coincide with other disorders, so I couldn’t (and still can’t) say what it is for sure.
1. Lack of motivation/apathy can reflect impairment of executive functions in the brain. When I went to the campus counselor, she thought my apathy was more a result of dysthymia, a mild form of depression. Again, since many ADHD symptoms coincide with depression, I didn’t question it; besides, most of the tips the counselor gave me could alleviate symptoms for both disorders.
2. Disorganization/messiness: I used to think I was a fairly organized person before college. My locker (and desk in grade school) was always neat and organized. I can’t remember how organized I kept my bedroom, but I do remember multiple sleepless nights where papers were scattered all about as I hastily tried to finish a project that was due the next day.
3. Procrastination: My sister claims she was the queen of procrastination. I have no idea how much she procrastinated, but I know that I’ve procrastinated since at least 5th or 6th grade. I procrastinate on washing dishes, taking out the trash, and doing laundry. You could possibly even say that I procrastinate on showering . . . wow, that’s gross. And, of course, studying. I’ve already spent my whole Sunday working on this blog and researching more about ADHD when I have a bio final tomorrow, haven’t finished the review, have a 5-10 page paper due Tuesday, and a paper and exam on Wednesday. There have been times where I clean in order to avoid studying. Priorities.
4. Problems with memory and forgetfulness, lateness: Now, I’m fairly good at recalling random facts or events from the past, so I didn’t think I had any problems with memory/forgetfulness. I’m decent at remembering plans that I’ve made with someone, but I often forget if an assignment is due in class. Sometimes I help answer the phone when I volunteer at the hospital; usually the person on the other end of the line is calling for a report on a patient. They rattle off their name, their department, the patient’s name, and the doctor’s name, and on average, all I remember is the patient and doctor name. Sometimes a call comes in for a patient needing a bed, in which I’m given the patient’s name, the doctor’s name, and the type of surgery. When put the person on hold and notify one of the nurses, usually they ask for at least one of the other details that I’ve already forgotten. Then they end up getting on the line themselves and asking what the person needs. Uhhh, needless to say, I feel useless at those times. As for lateness, I leave for class with just barely enough time to spare. For church, I’m often a few minutes late. With volunteering, I’ve consistently been 15-20 minutes late, with maybe a 5 minute variance. However, I make sure I stay for the four hours I’ve committed to volunteering. Sometimes I forget to pay bills on time, especially if the due date is more towards the middle of the month, rather than the beginning or end. Rent, bills, assignments, exams — I’ve started utilizing my phone more for giving me reminders, but if they’re not in there, they end up being late, or I remember in a panic close to the deadline and end up scrambling to get things done on time. I have a daily planner, but at best, I look at it once a week, which is on Fridays when I know there’ll be periods of doing nothing and can take the time to plan it out. I might place the planner on my desk to check during the rest of the weekend, but by the time Monday rolls around, it’s usually buried under papers.
5. Restless/fidgety: I’ve always had a tendency to bounce one or both of my legs at some point in time, whether sitting or standing. I didn’t think this was abnormal, having grown up with it, and I’ve noticed other people fidget about the same amount in my classes. I do prefer to stand rather than sit down, but I’m not sure if that is really related. Hmm, I guess pen/pencil twirling and tapping also counts as fidgeting.
In first or second grade, when we started learning fractions, I looked at the board and got really confused because what I saw was y2 instead 1/2. I have no idea when I learned or realized that y2 was actually 1/2. I guess my point with that is perhaps that I was inattentive even way back then (which would make sense, since adult ADHD diagnosis requires that symptoms be present during childhood). I mean, the only way you could make that kind of mistake is if you weren’t paying attention, right?
Yay, awkward wall-of-text break!
6. Losing things: I still don’t think I really lose things, but I guess if I often misplace important things such as my phone or keys, then that’s not exactly normal. I “lost” a pocket knife over a year ago, and only recently found it hiding in my high school calc binder. I really have no idea how my knife ended up in the calc binder — I got my knife after I had already finished taking calc.
7. Drives too fast (reckless?): Guilty. I speed almost everywhere, except on the roads that I know are closely monitored. I can have a lead foot at times, reaching up to 85 mph before checking my speedometer and realizing how fast I’m really going (not as much of an issue for long trips; cruise control is great). I would say I’ve made reckless decisions while driving, but that, for the most part, I’m a defensive driver.
8. Impatient/short tempered/mood swings: I always knew that I had a short temper, but it didn’t occur to me that my lack of anger management was abnormal. I didn’t really see myself as impatient, but when I think about it, there have been many times where I grew impatient because someone was explaining something I already knew, people didn’t fulfill my (high) expectations, or I was asked to repeat myself. As for mood swings, they’re generally from happy or content to super pissed. Rarely is it the other way around. I can remember a couple of times when I’ve gone from content to depressed. I hate driving during the day because I get so impatient with other drivers. A blinker before you start breaking would be nice! Or if I drive on the shoulder to let you pass me on a two-lane road, how ’bout a flash of your hazard lights to show your appreciation? If you think a wave of your hand will suffice, then maybe you’ve forgotten how tinted your windows are. And why the heck are we slowing down to 20 mph on the highway if there’s no car wreck or construction to avoid? Uhh, so yeahh, my temper has many opportunities to flare when I drive.
9. Impulsiveness: Again, I haven’t really seen myself as a particularly impulsive person, but purchases I’ve made, such as my DS, PSP, Kindle Fire, PS2, teeth whitening gel, Steam games, a sports video camera, navel ring, dog toys, cat toys, my cat Jager, things for knitting and crocheting (that I haven’t touched in months), a Fossil watch, cheap jewelry, a new laundry basket (when the only thing wrong with the old one was that the cat peed on it and I was too lazy to wash it more than once), the Samsung Captivate, pillows — these are all things that I don’t need. Even though I hesitated for some of these things, I was quick to somehow justify the purchase and unable to exercise self control. Even when I go to the store for groceries, I often leave with some item that I don’t need (snacks, a discounted movie, makeup, hair dye, vitamins and supplements I never take). This one’s more of a stretch, but before college even started, I made the dumb decision to take out a student loan that I didn’t need (and I just accepted the loan money in total, rather than only taking “what I needed”) because I had this stupid notion that I’d be able to easily pay it off and use it to build up my credit score. And you know what? It’s only hurt it so far, because for some reason the loan company had my graduation date wrong and had started sending bills sometime during my sophomore year, as well as calling my phone and leaving (automated) voicemails. And instead of calling them straightaway and figuring out what was going on, I let this continue until they sent me a notice saying I had to pay in full by a certain date! And even then I procrastinated. As a result, my credit report has a potentially negative thing on it from me ignoring it and missing payments. What makes me feel even worse is that a majority of what I bought was purchased with my parents’ hard-earned money — money that they gave to me to pay for rent, bills, and food, and here I am just squandering it away. And I can’t stop myself from making those impulsive purchases even though I have all this guilt. So much guilt that I’ve made myself cry.
10. Low self-esteem: I’ve actually only seen this one listed on the webMD ADHD page, but it fits in nicely with my last point. I know that I do care what strangers think of me, even though I know I’ll most likely never see a majority of them again. I tend to take criticism very personally; even if it’s said in a neutral tone or meant to be constructive, my mind interprets it as something against which I need to defend myself. Which may then lead into my anger management issues. If I text or message someone and they don’t reply, I’m prone to feeling ignored or forgotten, even if I’m aware that the person has a busy schedule. I’ll mull over an argument or disagreement for days — wondering if my words were interpreted differently than what I had meant, if I should bring it up again, what exactly the other person meant –even when the other party has long since let the issue go. I try to deal with my problems on my own and hesitate to ask friends for help/advice (in both academics and personal matters) because feel like I would just be a bother or a burden. I’m always afraid that I’ll lose contact with my friends after graduating college, and since it’s so hard for me to make friends to begin with . . . well, that would be a very difficult thing to come to terms with.
You know, it’s taken me a long time to get to this point. Questioning whether these things were normal, or if they were bad enough to seek professional help. I was lost as to how to time manage, study effectively, and motivate myself to study from day one of college. Actually, even before then, but my pre-college education didn’t require so much effort. At first I thought it was just something that I had to learn — use a planner, study in chunks, study material as it’s presented, not the night before the exam — but as the years flew by, I just couldn’t get the hang of it. I could focus on one demanding class and do well in it, but doing that drained me of any effort that I needed to focus and study my for other demanding classes. Or I could focus on all the easier classes and do well in them, but in exchange I’d barely scrape by with a passing for the challenging classes. Eventually I subconsciously felt that this was the way things were with me. Studying in chunks didn’t help — half of my study chunk was spent doing random things, most of the time. I’d take a break, but not return to studying when my break was over. If I tried to motivate myself by saying that I could read a manga chapter or watch an anime episode, I’d break down halfway through and watch or read without finishing my task. Or even if I did finish my task, I’d get enveloped in reading the manga or watching the anime, and then it would be hours before I finally managed to tear myself away. “Well, it sounds like you just lack self-discipline, Praxis.” Maybe so. But even if I study in a place without those distractions, I get sidetracked by my own thoughts. If I take notes in a class, I’ll start doodling and then focus on my doodle. If I don’t doodle, and there’s a lull in the lecture, then my mind is gone. Even when I’m actively writing down notes, my mind can still wander. I’ll focus on the lecture for a few seconds, maybe even a minute, but then 5 minutes later I’ll realize that I’m not listening anymore, and haven’t been for a while.
Joe and Chandler had the right idea. Also, I have no idea what that blur near my right wrist is from.
I feel like it could be compared to resisting a flood. You can grab a tree, fence-post, lamp, street light — anything you can get a grip on — but it’s only a matter of time before you’re swept away by the torrent. Eventually, you get tired, fatigued, to the point where you just don’t care anymore, and hope that it’ll be over soon. I kinda feel like I’m floundering on the edge of a cliff, about to be washed into the ocean by the flood. I found a decent handhold when I went to the campus counseling center, but my grip seems to have slipped. A month ago, I told my parents that I thought I may have ADHD, and they supported me without hesitation or ridicule. My mom was hesitant to think I had ADHD since I had excellent grades prior to college, but did not criticize or question my decision. That took a lot of stress off of my mind, allowed me to get another grip on something solid and sturdy. And now I’ve been submerged by another wave of . . . despair? Yes, I think that word fits well here. Like I said in the video, I’m down to 25 mg of Adderall. Even though it hasn’t yet allowed me to focus and prioritize better, I realize that my body is still adjusting to the medication, and that because I’m a female, the effect of the Adderall might be affected by hormones/hormonal changes. Knowing that I won’t have anything more to take after tomorrow worries me because I haven’t consistently taken the prescription, nor have I found a dosage that has helped. And now I’m stuck with nothing, pretty much doing nothing in way of finding a solution to my problem, and I have to wait. To wait until my follow-up appointment comes around, and then most likely have to experiment more with dosages. And by then the semester is pretty much over and I’ll have made no discernible progress. I’m lost. How am I supposed to solve this problem in time for me to study and do well on the MCAT, while also juggling classes, writing my personal statement, finding people to write letters of rec, shadowing, starting med school apps, and figuring out plans and a living situation for the next year? What if I’m not able to pull it together and just burn out? I don’t think my situation is extreme enough to explain all of that away if an interviewer questions me about it.
At the end of my vlog, I said that didn’t want to use ADHD as an excuse for my deficits. After crying and slaving over this post all day and night, I think I’ve convinced myself that me having ADHD is rather likely. Or depression. What’s kind of stupid is that the Adderall has kept me awake for about 36 hours and decreased my appetite so much that I haven’t eaten a real meal since Friday (though I’m sure my gluttony on Thursday has helped in keeping my body from complaining). Seeing as a healthy diet, good night’s sleep, and regular exercise are essential in maintaining good health for normal people, the same goes for people suffering from a disorder. I know I can’t depend on medication alone, but the medication is supposed to help me establish healthier habits. With the way things are going, it’s going to be a long, uphill battle. I’m not one to ask for help. I’m also not one to divulge my problems and worries to others. I’m the kind of person to hold it in and hide it from the world, until the mass of problems and worries have grown so much that they overwhelm me. I guess that’s kind of what happened in this post. But I’m laying them out here, rather than trying to scoop them up and hide them away again. And I guess that this is my way of asking for help. To those of you who know me personally, I have (perhaps for the first time) willingly bared a portion of my inner self for you to judge, pity, condemn, and what have you. Errmahgerrd, this is getting dramatic.
I’m sure that you’ve been able to pick up on some of these things already, but here they are from my viewpoint. I’ll appreciate anything you can give me. Ahh, but don’t worry about finding words of solace or wisdom if they won’t come to you naturally. Your acknowledgment and encouragement is perfectly fine too. So here I am, with a massive post that took a lot of time and effort to make. Sort of like a baby? It’s 11:00 pm, and I still haven’t finished studying the bio lab review, I haven’t written anything for the paper due on Tuesday, nor have I revised the paper due Wednesday or studied for Wednesdays exam. Maybe writing this post wasn’t the best use of my time, considering all of the assignments that are due soon, but I feel like this was something that was necessary for my mental well-being. I guess, in a way, I confronted myself here and became a little bit closer to accepting myself as well. I realize this entry is pretty odd. A 25 minute vlog (nearing 50 if you watch the secret vlog), followed by an uber long and serious blog that is punctuated by not-so-serious images. In retrospect, the blog totally stole the vlog’s thunder. Or at least completely overshadowed the vlog. What I lack in quantity, I make up for with quality? No? You don’t think so? Fusk.
Author’s note (26 Nov, 2:35 AM):Now, I realize that a much of what I wrote is either melodramatic (floundering on the edge of a cliff?), depressive, or maybe even self-deprecating, but that’s how I felt at the time. And, I guess some of those thoughts are always lingering in the back of my mind. You could say that this is what I’m like when I am feeling particularly low. I cycle between guilt and twisted humor. I’m sure the sleep deprivation amplified the intensity with which I experienced those two sides. As much as I want to go back and heavily edit and revise this post (and just take out that vlog, holy crap), I will leave it the way it is. This post was a good experience, and maybe someday the future me will learn something about herself that she had forgotten or denied (probably my foolishness/naivety). If this post ends up helping anyone else, then I would consider it a fair sacrifice. Some of my pride for someone else’s well-being.I would also like to note that my intention in writing this blog was not to focus on ADHD or my personal issues. My plan was to elaborate on the topics I skimmed over in the vlog, insert the images, and write a short blurb on what my mind/attention does when I’m sitting in a lecture or attempting to study at home. Everything else you read forced itself out while I was wallowing in my guilt and self-pity. I really had intended for this post to be more light-hearted (as you can see by the images) and impersonal (like my normal posts)! Just be glad that it makes any sense at all, since I wrote this blog in sections and alternated randomly among them as things/ideas popped in my head.
All right, I know my last post has been a while ago and I also didn’t give a resolution to my Vietnam trip, and for that, I apologize. I’ll add the last couple of days to the list of blogs that I need to write (Akon, for example).
I decided I wanted to try out an MMO after visiting my sister in college and seeing her play WOW.
Speaking of Akon, I was perusing the blog of someone I met there (a friend of a friend), and they do a lot of audio blogs. Many of the most recent ones are with friends of theirs, and many of the friends who guest star on this person’s blog are people whom they have met online. This got me thinking about my friend, Nightmaren, who seems to have about the same number of friends as me IRL, but has a fairly large number of online friends. Nightmaren met most of these (or maybe all of these?) friends through MMO games.Now, I’ve tried a couple before, but I never really was able to get into them much. It’s not because I dislike MMOs — on the contrary, I’ve been wanting to really get into one — it’s just that my circumstances have never been ideal for playing them. Such as slow internet and low computer specs. (How am I supposed to know where I am or where I’m going when the distance all looks the same because I have to put my graphics on the lowest possible settings?!)
In any case, what Nightmaren and their friend have in common is the fact that they’ve made some pretty strong friendships with people they’ve met online. Judging from posts on their respective blogs, some of these friendships are stronger than with people they’ve met outside of the interwebs . . . and I’m kinda jealous of that. I’ve always been an introverted person. I only keep in touch with one person from my life from before college, and that’s because she happens to be my best friend. My parents have always been overprotective of me, so in elementary school, I wasn’t often allowed to spend the night at other people’s houses or hang out with them after school. I wasn’t even allowed to play with the neighbor’s kids, though there weren’t any around my age, anyway. As I got older, I just kinda accepted this fact, so that by the time I got into high school, I had the mentality that I wouldn’t be keeping in touch with these people anyway, which led to me not socializing with classmates as much as I could have. (Or at all, really.) And I was right — I haven’t talked to the people I did become close friends with since we graduated. Of course, that might have been a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of situation. Some of you might think that I might’ve become this way because of my parents’ overprotectiveness, and maybe that’s somewhat true. But I’ve always kinda felt like I don’t belong when hanging out with a group of friends. foreveralone.jpg
This was my second MMO experience, one that I started with Nightmaren during freshman year. Alas, my crappy graphics card kept me from playing it regularly.
I think I was lucky when I got to college. I managed to become really good friends with my boyfriend’s (at the time) roommates, and even after my boyfriend and I broke up, I still stayed friends with his roommates (which was probably really awkward for him). But even though we’re still close friends, I feel like I don’t really know them. The fact that I’m the only girl amongst them might have a part to play in it, but they’ve also spent a lot of time together without me. I admit that I sometimes feel out of place when I’m with them. But they’re also the only long-term friends I’ve made throughout my college career thus far — I haven’t even stayed friends with my own roommates, and we all got along rather well.
As an introvert, I value my alone time and am fine with having solid friendships with only a few people. However, I’ve always had this notion that it would be easier to make friends online since there’s no way to prejudge a person you meet aside from maybe their screen name or the way they type. I mentioned in another post that I spent a lot of time on Gaia Online during high school, but even there, I never made any long-lasting friends. My sister, who has played WOW since she was in college, met her fiance through WoW and has visited her WoW friends IRL. Nightmaren and their friend met IRL during Akon, and I remember Nightmaren mentioning that meeting IRL didn’t feel awkward at all. I want to experience that, but I’m always holding myself back, both online and IRL. I guess it’s kind of a self-perpetuating cycle. And I don’t know how to break out of it. Geez, I’m starting to make myself slightly depressed.
My sister and her fiance bought this for me as an early early early birthday present (to play with them), but I haven’t been able to play it because my laptop specs are too low.
At Akon, both Nightmaren and their friend felt liberated, or more at ease, and found it easy to strike up a conversation with random people because everyone was united by a common factor — the love of all things anime and manga. I’m sure many of the people at Akon felt that way. And while I admired the fact that there were so many people in one place for one thing, I wasn’t able to share in that relaxed atmosphere. Both Nightmaren and their friend see themselves as introverted, but easily struck up conversations with random people and maybe made new friends while at Akon. I know I’m more self-conscious than Nightmaren, and maybe that’s the issue. I mean, I even had a really hard time mustering up the courage to ask people if I could take pictures of them. Most of the pictures I got at Akon were from sneaking in and snapping a shot after someone else asked. I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this post anymore. I think I had planned it to be about MMOs and online friends, but now it’s warped into something more . . . reflective. In any case, judging by my progress in becoming more confident and less self-conscious, I may have to put “make a close online friend” on my bucket list.
It’s been two weeks since my last blog post.
The days passed by in a blur.
My parents visited for Easter,
And my apartment is covered in fur.
I flew through the last week feeling like a ghost.
On last Thursday’s Neuropsych exam, I regrettably made a C.
But it’s okay because I got some adjustable dumbbells for free.
Things are still good, as far as I can see.
Today I feel like a piece of toast.
Driving in traffic is probably worse than the bends.
My ex and I are no longer just friends.
But my grandma looks like she’s near the end.
I may never even get to see her again.
I just failed so hard at eating dinner. At the end of last week I made a pot of rice and prepared some lap xuong (a type of Chinese sausage), and practically every chopstick-full of rice I ate resulted in dropping rice grains all over myself. Not to mention that I spilled rice even before I started eating because my hands were being all derp and dropped the chopsticks multiple times.
No matter what the amount, getting money is always fun. Even if you don't yet understand the concept of money.
But anywho.
Uhh, today is lunar new year. Chuc Mung Nam Moi! (“Happy new year” in Vietnamese.) It’s the year of the dragon, the 5th sign in the Chinese zodiac which symbolizes power, good luck, success, and happiness. The day where lunar-new-year-celebrating-Asians will get little red and gold envelopes filled with dollars bills and the occasional $5 or $10. OR, you could be really lucky and get $2 bills. /sarcasm?
Unfortunately, I was not able to return home and partake in the Tet festivities. I wonder if I’ll have any red envelopes waiting for me the next time I visit home.
So, so, so, I bought a Kindle Fire off of Craigslist last week, after waiting for what seemed like foreeveerrrr to find a price I liked and a person who actually responded to my inquiry. I got a pretty good deal (25% off retail price), especially considering that some people insist on trying to sell their Kindle Fires above the price listed on Amazon.com.
I may have mentioned in a previous post the idea of rooting my Kindle Fire. As of right now, I’m pretty pleased with the Fire the way it is, even if the roulette showing recent activity is pretty ridiculous. In addition, the root for the latest Android build (Ice Cream Sandwich –> ICS) has already been made, although it’s buggy and still being worked on by developers. Besides, if I root my Kindle, then I won’t be able to have access to the Kindle Reader’s Lending Library or whatever it’s called, as well as free access to selected movies and TV shows. Of course, to take advantage of these perks, one needs to be a member of Amazon Prime. My only real complaint is that there are no decent note-taking apps (that use handwriting, rather than typing the text) on Android 2.3 (Gingerbread, which is what the Fire has, albeit changed up and slightly crippled). The promising apps I found are only available for Android 3.0 (Honeycomb) and up, and apparently the code for Honeycomb wasn’t released; the only roots available for the Fire as of right now are the full-blown Android Gingerbread and buggy ICS. In any case, not being able to take hand-written notes on my Fire isn’t remotely close to being a deal-breaker. The 7″ screen isn’t exactly ideal for that kind of thing.
Total "wtf" title, but it makes sense after it's explained.
As for the academic front, I feel like I’m off to a decent start. I’ve been exercising on a regular basis, though not every day like I originally planned. Right now I’m only up to 1 hour gym work-outs Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. But hey, it’s a start, right? I also bought this ebook off of Amazon during the break when it was on sale called Eat That Frog: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time. Kinda seems ridiculous, but for me, it’s helped quite a bit, and I’ve only read 3 chapters (less than halfway).
The main thing that it’s stressed so far is to plan ahead. For you non-procrastinators, this seems like a no-brainer, right? And perhaps even for procrastinators too. But the simple act of writing everything down actually helps a lot. Granted, I haven’t been completing everything I’ve written on my To-Do lists for the past two days that I’ve tried it, but I’ve been able to get the most important things done, at least.
It’s gonna be a challenging semester, probably moreso than I realize, but I’m sure it’ll be worth it in the long run. It better be, though for $1.50, if it doesn’t turn out to be worth it, at least it won’t be a big loss.
Last week I had my first counseling session for the semester, and my counselor noted that I seem much happier than I had last semester, though we both aren’t sure yet if that’s because of the break, or because of the Wellbutrin. That being said, I do feel happier this semester, as well as actually motivated to do well. Of course, the motivation may be due to me only taking classes that I’m actually interested in for this semester, rather than because I need it as a prereq for med school.
My lifestyle in general has become more healthy; I’m eating 3 meals a day at more regular intervals, rather than the 1 or 2 I would eat in the past few years. As I already stated, I began my journey to getting fit. My sleep seems to be more restful and undisturbed as well. I just feel good. Knock on wood. We’ll see how things are after the first round of exams. Which come at the end of next week. Yikes.
Also also also, I applied for a job on campus. It’s a typing data entry thing and only pays $8/hr, but a job is a job, and at least it’s not my only means of support. Actually, it’s more for personal spending money. Project money. I applied Saturday evening (I think?) and haven’t gotten a reply yet, but hopefully I can nab it. If not, then maybe I can get a job at a center that specializes in programs for ADD, ADHD, autistic, dyslexic, etc. children, which would be more up my alley what with being a neuroscience major and all. It’d probably look better on my resume too. I’m hoping to be able to stay on campus for work, though.
Geebus, so many things to talk about! I swear this is the last thing.
It seems that I’ve finally gotten a volunteer position at a hospital. People must not like to communicate with me, because scheduling an interview appointment with the volunteer coordinator took forever (and didn’t even happen when I applied last spring). So did scheduling an appointment to get my TB test. And the first two people I tried to buy a Kindle Fire from on Craigslist never responded; one contact number was completely wrong. People just don’t pick up their phone. To be fair, I screen my calls too.
Anyway, the volunteer orientation is this Wednesday. After that and after my reference gives back a completed reference form, I should be all ready to volunteer. The only thing left is to get my DART pass so I don’t have to drive in that abysmal traffic. (Srsly, why is there traffic when there are no vehicle accidents or anything???)
Also, someone stole my bike. Really? My bike? And why the fusk can’t I change the color of the strike-out font?
P.S. My cat has been much more affectionate as of late. I feel loved.
This used to be the homepage for Gaia Online.
Role-playing. Way back in the day when I first got acquainted with the internets and was an illiterate n00b, I was (and still am) a member of Gaia Online. I don’t know exactly how to describe the site, but a great deal of my pre-college days were spent on it. It’s been years since I’ve done anything more than lurked about and reminisced about the past; I don’t remember exactly why I stopped frequenting the site, but I think it was mainly due to many of my online friends getting lives leaving, as well as a feeling of strong dislike and derision towards the younger members of Gaia (an elitist reason, to be sure). This demeanor developed after I had begun to role-play seriously, which involved me abandoning my chat-speak-emoticon-laden-grammarless style in favor of the grammatically-correct and content-relevant style of posting.
Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that Gaia was where I first had my experiences with role-playing. Some of them (all of the literate roleplays) were short-lived. The other, more casual, role-plays were also fun but too superficial for my tastes. I viewed role-playing as writing stories in collaboration with others.
I always did like to write. Hurr durr, that’s why I have a blog. A blog (almost) no one knows about. YAY ME.
Every so often, I’ll log onto Gaia and visit old threads that I used to post in, old role-plays I had a part in, and the few posts I had in my journal. My journal on Gaia was used to archive bios for characters I had made for various role-playing threads. I just went through them earlier tonight, and I’m kinda surprised at how much I wrote for some of the bios and role-playing blurbs (which were sometimes a part of applications to participate in a role-play). They aren’t actually all that bad, either. The main thing that bugged me about all my old stuff is that nothing really seemed original. Many of my characters were half-animal. I guess it was sort of a “thing” back then to have characters who were Therianthropes (I had to google for that term). I’m pretty sure that every single character I made had some sort of distinguishing quality that I possess(ed) myself. Which, of course, made it all the easier for me to role-play, since half the time I was just typing stuff I would do in whatever situation the character happened to be in.
Of course it’s easy to come up with story stuffs when it’s something you would do.
I don’t think I ever tried making a character whose personality was, for the most part, something that I could not identify with. I probably didn’t want to go through that much effort. It already took me long enough to think of a cliche and unoriginal bio. I remember spending a great deal of time in writing posts for the literate threads. Hours, even.
That site ate away all of my time. The days before Facebook. And MySpace. It was the closest thing I could get to MMOs/MMORPGs, since my shoddy internet connection was too slow to allow me to actually play any.
Rambling.Like a boss. (SORRY I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF)I just found this image on Google, and it actually *is* a baby MMO!
Gaia Online is actually a pretty diverse site. Maybe it just seems that way to me because I haven’t been exposed to many sites of similar intent. In any case, I think it’s kind of interesting to have a site that has forums for art, writing, tv/anime/manga, etc. It also has this baby-MMO kind of thing, where users can explore the land of Gaia through their user avatars. I only tried it a few times (meaning, my internet only worked that hard a few times), so I can’t really say much about what there was to do on that part. There is a game section where users can entertain themselves through puzzles, word games, arcade games, and thereby earn gold (with which they by accessories for their avatar). Nowadays it seems that you get an aquarium, build a house and furnish it for the MMO-ish aspect, and maybe even have a car?
Now that I think about it, the last few points I mentioned make me think of Facebook for kids.
Man, I used to be really obsessed with that site. (I even installed a toolbar so I could post in threads more quickly and efficiently!) My hardcore weaboo days, I suppose? Every time I visit it, there’s a part of me that considers trying to integrate myself back into the community. I mean, some of the people on my friendslist are still somewhat frequent visitors, from what I saw on their profiles about last login and most recent posts and other stuff that I was being a creepy stalker about. So couldn’t I do the same thing? I guess what keeps me from doing that is the feeling that I’ll just compare everything to the way things were when I first joined that site (only a few years after the site was first conceived). In addition, most of the people I knew back then are no longer there; the ones who still are, are now strangers. I’d have to start all over again and build new relationships from scratch, and honestly? I have no motivation to do that.
So I guess I’ll be stuck forever reminiscing. And half-heartedly searching for another site with which I can experience the joy of role-playing once more.
Geebus, that ended on a rather depressing note.
So it’s been a bit under a month since my last post. Sorry guyyysss.
So, first of all, on November 19, one of my older cousins got married. I was a bridesmaid for his wedding. Except. He got mixed up and didn’t say that I was actually the Maid-of-Honor, seeing as I was the only bridesmaid. But no big deal. So for his wedding, I drove home the night of the 17th because a dress rehearsal was on the 18th. The night of the 18th, I stayed at the hotel with his fiance because we had to be prettified early early (5 AM) the next morning and it would be better if I didn’t have to drive an hour and a half from my parents’ house the morning of.
And they were sick.
Lemme stop here and take the time to say that when I get married, I’mma make sure they give me some simple hair style because having to wash the hair spray caked in your hair late at night after having been gallivanting around all day for wedding stuff is a big pain in the butt.
The number of guests for the wedding was small; it was just my family, but even so, that was about 50-60 people total. Since it was small, being the maid-of-honor wasn’t too stressful. The only thing I didn’t like was the fact that I didn’t get to spend much time with my other cousins during that weekend, and since I didn’t go home for Thanksgiving either, I won’t get to see them again until Christmas.
So, wedding was all fun and whatnot, and my sister caught the bouquet. There’s this rumor going around amongst the aunts and uncles that my sister is planning on getting married next year, but when I asked her about it, she had no clue what I was talking about. Asking my aunts and uncles about the source of their information pointed me to my mom, but she claimed that she hadn’t said anything about that either. Many people are curious as to when my sister and her boyfriend are going to get married, though, so I guess it’s not too surprising.
My second counseling session was the Monday after the wedding/before Thanksgiving. After expressing further interest on how I might get an appointment with the on-campus psychiatrist, my counselor took all the necessary information from me in order to fill out the referral form, since it seems the only way to get an appointment with the psychiatrist is through a referral from one’s counselor. After getting that out of the way, we ended up discussing my relationships with other people (keeping them distant) and why my relationships might be the way they are. At least, that was what fueled whatever we discussed for the rest of the session.
My next session is this coming Monday, and I have an appointment with the psychiatrist for next Friday.
Even though UTD had classes up to Wednesday (Thursday and Friday being the only days we had off for Thanksgiving holidays), I went to class only on Monday. Why? Because I got sick with a cold from the bride and groom. It wasn’t all bad; I was able to finish reading Eldest and Brisingr from the Inheritance cycle by Wednesday night. After finishing Brisingr, I immediately went out and bought Inheritance . . . and ended up finishing that Thursday afternoon. I was supposed to use Thanksgivin
g break for studying, since next week is the start of finals, but I’m so weak to temptation. D:
My parents, after having heard I was sick, decided to visit me and bring me food and, in general, baby me. They arrived Friday afternoon and left Saturday morning. Even though their visit was short (as it always is), I’m glad they came. It reminded me that my family is very amazing. The rest of the weekend was spent practicing piano and
OOhh, I want a tablet so bad!
wasting time looking at Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals and falling in love with the concept of Amazon’s new Kindle Fire even though I really don’t need it and there are many cons about it especially since it’s the first generation of it but I still really want it anyway. Since Amazon and Overstock.com both have Cyber Monday deals all weak, I’ve still spent a lot of time looking at all the sales, even though I haven’t found anything worth buying.
I really like the idea of the Kindle Fire. I have Amazon Prime already, and Amazon Prime users are given movie options to watch/download for free. As an eReader, those with Kindles have access to the Kindle Owners’ Lending Library, which allows one to borrow a book for a month for reading without having to pay for the book. As one who likes to read, this is a very appealing aspect. My sister pointed out that a regular Kindle eReader may be better for me than the Kindle Fire, but if I’m going to get a Kindle, I’d rather be able to have the option of using it for other things that just reading. The Kindle Fire isn’t exactly a true tablet, but for $200, it’s not expected to be, either, and I don’t intend to use a tablet to replace my laptop. With some tablets costing nearly as much as a new laptop, I don’t see myself purchasing a full-blown tablet any time soon. As my sister said, “I’d want to be able to play games (WoW) on it, but you can’t do that.”
Akshually, I went to Best Buy yesterday evening to check it out (because, you know, it’s good to have a look at things you’re thinking of buying), and some of the bad things I heard about it aren’t really that bad. Some people complained about the interface being schizo, but the model in the store seemed perfectly fine. Yeah, the speakers are in an awkward place and don’t have much power to them, but I’d use earphones if I were watching a movie or listening to music. I have to admit, the power button is in a really stupid place. Why anyone would put it on the bottom of the device is beyond me. However, you can just flip it upside-down (and the screen will also flip) so it’s usable that way as well, aside from a few applications. I’m not sure how much the lack of a volume rocker will bother me, though, especially for applications that don’t have a way to change the volume in their settings.
I guess that’s enough of my Kindle Fire spiel. (Also, there’s already a way to root it, which would give me more freedom to do what I want with it toooo.)
Aside from being a good-for-nothing who spends too much time watching anime and reading manga and being useless in general, I’ve also been practicing my third piece for my piano class. We’re having a recital tomorrow night, which also takes the place of our final. I’m still having trouble with a few spots, but I think I’ll be all right by the time the recital comes around. That’s what’s been occupying the rest of my attention the past few weeks. I’ve only been practicing this piece for a total of about 2 weeks, while the other people in my class have been practicing theirs for closer to a month or more.
Good news! My only final exam is for my biochemistry class, which is next Friday morning. As I already mentioned, playing in tomorrow’s recital takes the place of the final for my piano class, I’ve already finished everything for my two online classes, if you have a passing grade in Neuroanatomy, you’re exempt from the final (it’s only for people who need it to pass), and for my History of American Medicine through Film class we have to write a paper on a movie we choose (and compare it to a movie we’ve watched in class). This weekend is gonna be crammed, since the paper is due next Tuesday, and my fourth Neuroanatomy exam is also on Tuesday.
Well, I should probably get started on some of that stuff.
Yay for another boring update that doesn’t really give any insight. Posting weekly makes me churn out more thoughtful content.
