Category: Musings

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(Fail Vlog 6) Breaking the Habit

Disclaimer: Guys, this one’s a doozy of a post. I think it might require some mental preparation on your part. Really. Guys, this post is ~4700 words long. I just wrote a freaking essay.

I’M SO SORRY IT’S SO LONG. As usual, I ramble way too much, and the rambling is probably exacerbated by the fact that I’ve been up  all night. I’m also out of practice, having not vlogged in quite some time. Of course, it only gets worse as the video gets longer! Maybe you should just skip this post. The text/blog portion will be a TL;DR thing anyway. Don’t you like how I speak in run-on sentences? Or if not run-ons, really choppy and stuttered sentences? LOL my voice gets kinda croaky at the end. Wanna see the original take? It’s 2 minutes shorter!

I know that vlogs are supposed to be a kind of standalone thing, but I seem to be unable to just have a vlog by itself. I think it’s only happened once so far. In any case, what with my spectacular speaking abilities, I feel that most of the things I say in the vlog need to be further clarified, or at least more fleshed out.

I’m pretty sure the Batman game was my sister’s, and the Beauty and the Beast one was mine.

So I started with . . . my laptop? After waiting over a month for Lenovo to deliver my laptop, I finally got fed up and canceled my order. Within a week, I found an Asus laptop of similar build and pricing and promptly went to buy it in person from a nearby Microcenter. If you read my last post, you’ll remember that I never really had a chance to play mmos and build online friendships through that. Well, with my new laptop, I’m able to play most of the games that I own. Nightmaren suggested I try Eden Eternal, an mmo that s/he began playing during the summer. After about a week of playing Eden and (for the most part) ignoring the rest of the world, I reached level 40 and grew tired. I’d found a few people with whom I partied with more than once, but they didn’t get on regularly; after a few days of grinding on quests by myself, I stopped logging on regularly also. I kind of feel like MMOs aren’t my style of gaming, but since I’m new to MMO, maybe I just need to give it a second chance. Then again, I’m hesitant because MMOs require time and dedication, and if I focus on MMOs, then I’ll fall behind in my studies. And that’s exactly what I’m trying to prevent, what with the psychiatric appointments and Adderall. I failed to mention it in my second take, but I bought a PS2 bundle off of eBay that came with 2 DDR pads and 4-5 DDR games (and a whole bunch of other games that I don’t really care about). My justification for it was that I could use it to exercise, and since I would have fun playing DDR, I would be more likely to consistently exercise and work my way up to a healthier lifestyle. Well, that hasn’t worked out so far; most of the time, I get the urge to play late at night (10 pm or later), so then I refrain because I don’t want to disturb my downstairs neighbor. Sometimes I wonder if I even have a downstairs neighbor — I’ve never seen anyone enter/exit that apartment, nor seen light filter through their blinds at night. Now I sound like  a stalker. (21:40, took Toto out to go to the restroom and saw that lights were on in the downstairs apartment, so someone does live there. /creeper)

I feel stupid when I take pictures of myself with a normal smile or in a normal pose. So, naturally, I make stupid faces and poses in order to make myself feel less stupid.

In the vlog, I mention that my ex-boyfriend referred me to my psychiatrist. In a past post, I vaguely hinted that my ex and I started dating again. And now we’re not again! Yayyy. I really don’t remember what I said in my vlog and secret vlog regarding this topic, but just to give you the gist: we broke up in October (again), this time more on a mutual note and because, though we enjoy each other’s company, each of us has a peeve that the other can’t/won’t change, which is a big enough peeve to keep us from being compatible as boyfriend/girlfriend. Next item to flesh out is . . . my hair. I think I said all that needed to be said on this topic, but I do have a picture for you to see what my hair looked like with the highlights. And you get to see my “new” glasses! I know they’re pretty hipster-looking, but they’re prescription glasses, and I’ve always liked the look of thick frames. I just didn’t think I could pull it off, and up til now I’ve been getting my glasses solely from my uncle’s business (he’s an optometrist), which has a rather small selection of frames compared to online or even Walmart. Anyway, I got a coupon for a pair of free frames from coastal.com, and their policy is that you can send them back if you don’t like them. Luckily, I like them, so I didn’t have to worry about that. I didn’t notice on the website, but the front corners of the glasses (the silver spots) are math symbols; one is a multiplication sign, the other a division sign. There’s an equal sign on each temple. The color of the highlights looks more reddish in this picture, but the actual color of the dye was fuchsia. I think after a couple of washes the color bled out to this pinkish-red color. The first time I got the highlights (actually, Chris did them for me) was in June, so by the time I (Chris) redid them in August or September, they were pretty faded; however, they faded really prettily, as opposed to some colors/dyes that turn dull or some unflattering shade. Honestly, I liked having the highlights (my parents were of another opinion), but my hair grows too fast for me to really enjoy the look for long. I have to give props to Chris, though. He did the highlights for me both times and was also the one to dye my hair back to a more natural color; I’ve gotten compliments every time.

My mom’s learning how to text! And teaching me Vietnamese at the same time! Lol I referenced Google translate so many times for my responses.

Anyway, that’s enough of my vanity. As promised, I’ve included a screenshot of the text conversation with my mom. Judging by the timestamps, it takes my mom approximately 20 minutes to type out a text. Considering that she’s typing with her pinky (her pinkies are the only fingers with nails short enough to allow for accuracy and precision) and that I only taught her how to use the QWERTY keyboard on Friday night, she’s doing really well! I’m proud of her. And her texts only have one or two typoed words, and that’s just because the android keyboard is trying to predict words for her in English. After some research (sacrificing time that would be better spent doing my bio lab review), I was able to find the Swiftkey Vietnamese Beta (I’ve always used Swiftkey). I haven’t used the Vietnamese keyboard yet (I installed the English language pack also), but hopefully the Vietnamese predictions will be close to conversational Viet. Even if it’s not, as long as you correct it, Swiftkey will learn and adapt to your preference. I hope that it’ll make things easier for my mom when I install it on her phone during Christmas break.

I suggest you stop here and take a break. The following content is a little raw and will probably be heavy going. Sorry for the wall of text.

I really have great parents. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for their unconditional love and support. Sure, they can be a little overbearing sometimes, but they’re entitled to that, with all the things they’ve had to go through as immigrants. Since I can’t seem to motivate myself to care about my studies or future, my knowledge of the hard work they’ve gone through to support and provide for me (without question) should help guilt me into trying harder. It still might not be enough, though. At the end of my psychiatric appointment, the psychiatrist (we’ll call him Dr. Stein) gave me a sheet with general precautions to take with my psychotropic medication, the bottom half of which had an area where the psychiatrist could write recommendations and instructions for the prescription. Along with a titration plan for the Adderall XR (I just noticed today that it’s extended release), Dr. Stein listed a couple of resources that would give me more information about ADHD and strategies to manage it, in addition to the Adderall. While I haven’t found any strategies that are applicable or new to me, I found articles that discuss ADHD symptoms, some of which I now see I’ve had, but didn’t (or refused) to connect to ADHD. Then again, many ADHD symptoms coincide with other disorders, so I couldn’t (and still can’t) say what it is for sure.

1. Lack of motivation/apathy can reflect impairment of executive functions in the brain. When I went to the campus counselor, she thought my apathy was more a result of dysthymia, a mild form of depression. Again, since many ADHD symptoms coincide with depression, I didn’t question it; besides, most of the tips the counselor gave me could alleviate symptoms for both disorders.

2. Disorganization/messiness: I used to think I was a fairly organized person before college. My locker (and desk in grade school) was always neat and organized. I can’t remember how organized I kept my bedroom, but I do remember multiple sleepless nights where papers were scattered all about as I hastily tried to finish a project that was due the next day.

3. Procrastination: My sister claims she was the queen of procrastination. I have no idea how much she procrastinated, but I know that I’ve procrastinated since at least 5th or 6th grade. I procrastinate on washing dishes, taking out the trash, and doing laundry. You could possibly even say that I procrastinate on showering . . . wow, that’s gross. And, of course, studying. I’ve already spent my whole Sunday working on this blog and researching more about ADHD when I have a bio final tomorrow, haven’t finished the review, have a 5-10 page paper due Tuesday, and a paper and exam on Wednesday. There have been times where I clean in order to avoid studying. Priorities.

4. Problems with memory and forgetfulness, lateness: Now, I’m fairly good at recalling random facts or events from the past, so I didn’t think I had any problems with memory/forgetfulness. I’m decent at remembering plans that I’ve made with someone, but I often forget if an assignment is due in class. Sometimes I help answer the phone when I volunteer at the hospital; usually the person on the other end of the line is calling for a report on a patient. They rattle off their name, their department, the patient’s name, and the doctor’s name, and on average, all I remember is the patient and doctor name. Sometimes a call comes in for a patient needing a bed, in which I’m given the patient’s name, the doctor’s name, and the type of surgery. When put the person on hold and notify one of the nurses, usually they ask for at least one of the other details that I’ve already forgotten. Then they end up getting on the line themselves and asking what the person needs. Uhhh, needless to say, I feel useless at those times. As for lateness, I leave for class with just barely enough time to spare. For church, I’m often a few minutes late. With volunteering, I’ve consistently been 15-20 minutes late, with maybe a 5 minute variance. However, I make sure I stay for the four hours I’ve committed to volunteering. Sometimes I forget to pay bills on time, especially if the due date is more towards the middle of the month, rather than the beginning or end. Rent, bills, assignments, exams — I’ve started utilizing my phone more for giving me reminders, but if they’re not in there, they end up being late, or I remember in a panic close to the deadline and end up scrambling to get things done on time. I have a daily planner, but at best, I look at it once a week, which is on Fridays when I know there’ll be periods of doing nothing and can take the time to plan it out. I might place the planner on my desk to check during the rest of the weekend, but by the time Monday rolls around, it’s usually buried under papers.

5. Restless/fidgety: I’ve always had a tendency to bounce one or both of my legs at some point in time, whether sitting or standing. I didn’t think this was abnormal, having grown up with it, and I’ve noticed other people fidget about the same amount in my classes. I do prefer to stand rather than sit down, but I’m not sure if that is really related. Hmm, I guess pen/pencil twirling and tapping also counts as fidgeting.

In first or second grade, when we started learning fractions, I looked at the board and got really confused because what I saw was y2 instead 1/2. I have no idea when I learned or realized that y2 was actually 1/2. I guess my point with that is perhaps that I was inattentive even way back then (which would make sense, since adult ADHD diagnosis requires that symptoms be present during childhood). I mean, the only way you could make that kind of mistake is if you weren’t paying attention, right?
Yay, awkward wall-of-text break!

6. Losing things: I still don’t think I really lose things, but I guess if I often misplace important things such as my phone or keys, then that’s not exactly normal. I “lost” a pocket knife over a year ago, and only recently found it hiding in my high school calc binder. I really have no idea how my knife ended up in the calc binder — I got my knife after I had already finished taking calc.

7. Drives too fast (reckless?): Guilty. I speed almost everywhere, except on the roads that I know are closely monitored. I can have a lead foot at times, reaching up to 85 mph before checking my speedometer and realizing how fast I’m really going (not as much of an issue for long trips; cruise control is great). I would say I’ve made reckless decisions while driving, but that, for the most part, I’m a defensive driver.

8. Impatient/short tempered/mood swings: I always knew that I had a short temper, but it didn’t occur to me that my lack of anger management was abnormal. I didn’t really see myself as impatient, but when I think about it, there have been many times where I grew impatient because someone was explaining something I already knew, people didn’t fulfill my (high) expectations, or I was asked to repeat myself. As for mood swings, they’re generally from happy or content to super pissed. Rarely is it the other way around. I can remember a couple of times when I’ve gone from content to depressed. I hate driving during the day because I get so impatient with other drivers. A blinker before you start breaking would be nice! Or if I drive on the shoulder to let you pass me on a  two-lane road, how ’bout a flash of your hazard lights to show your appreciation? If you think a wave of your hand will suffice, then maybe you’ve forgotten how tinted your windows are. And why the heck are we slowing down to 20 mph on the highway if there’s no car wreck or construction to avoid? Uhh, so yeahh, my temper has many opportunities to flare when I drive.

9. Impulsiveness: Again, I haven’t really seen myself as a particularly impulsive person, but purchases I’ve made, such as my DS, PSP, Kindle Fire, PS2, teeth whitening gel, Steam games, a sports video camera, navel ring, dog toys, cat toys, my cat Jager, things for knitting and crocheting (that I haven’t touched in months), a Fossil watch, cheap jewelry, a new laundry basket (when the only thing wrong with the old one was that the cat peed on it and I was too lazy to wash it more than once), the Samsung Captivate, pillows — these are all things that I don’t need. Even though I hesitated for some of these things, I was quick to somehow justify the purchase and unable to exercise self control. Even when I go to the store for groceries, I often leave with some item that I don’t need (snacks, a discounted movie, makeup, hair dye, vitamins and supplements I never take). This one’s more of a stretch, but before college even started, I made the dumb decision to take out a student loan that I didn’t need (and I just accepted the loan money in total, rather than only taking “what I needed”) because I had this stupid notion that I’d be able to easily pay it off and use it to build up my credit score. And you know what? It’s only hurt it so far, because for some reason the loan company had my graduation date wrong and had started sending bills sometime during my sophomore year, as well as calling my phone and leaving (automated) voicemails. And instead of calling them straightaway and figuring out what was going on, I let this continue until they sent me a notice saying I had to pay in full by a certain date! And even then I procrastinated. As a result, my credit report has a potentially negative thing on it from me ignoring it and missing payments. What makes me feel even worse is that a majority of what I bought was purchased with my parents’ hard-earned money — money that they gave to me to pay for rent, bills, and food, and here I am just squandering it away. And I can’t stop myself from making those impulsive purchases even though I have all this guilt. So much guilt that I’ve made myself cry.

10. Low self-esteem: I’ve actually only seen this one listed on the webMD ADHD page, but it fits in nicely with my last point. I know that I do care what strangers think of me, even though I know I’ll most likely never see a majority of them again. I tend to take criticism very personally; even if it’s said in a neutral tone or meant to be constructive, my mind interprets it as something against which I need to defend myself. Which may then lead into my anger management issues. If I text or message someone and they don’t reply, I’m prone to feeling ignored or forgotten, even if I’m aware that the person has a busy schedule. I’ll mull over an argument or disagreement for days — wondering if my words were interpreted differently than what I had meant, if I should bring it up again, what exactly the other person meant –even when the other party has long since let the issue go. I try to deal with my problems on my own and hesitate to ask friends for help/advice (in both academics and personal matters) because feel like I would just be a bother or a burden. I’m always afraid that I’ll lose contact with my friends after graduating college, and since it’s so hard for me to make friends to begin with . . . well, that would be a very difficult thing to come to terms with.

You know, it’s taken me a long time to get to this point. Questioning whether these things were normal, or if they were bad enough to seek professional help. I was lost as to how to time manage, study effectively, and motivate myself to study from day one of college. Actually, even before then, but my pre-college education didn’t require so much effort. At first I thought it was just something that I had to learn — use a planner, study in chunks, study material as it’s presented, not the night before the exam — but as the years flew by, I just couldn’t get the hang of it. I could focus on one demanding class and do well in it, but doing that drained me of any effort that I needed to focus and study my for other demanding classes. Or I could focus on all the easier classes and do well in them, but in exchange I’d barely scrape by with a passing for the challenging classes. Eventually I subconsciously felt that this was the way things were with me. Studying in chunks didn’t help — half of my study chunk was spent doing random things, most of the time. I’d take a break, but not return to studying when my break was over. If I tried to motivate myself by saying that I could read a manga chapter or watch an anime episode, I’d break down halfway through and watch or read without finishing my task. Or even if I did finish my task, I’d get enveloped in reading the manga or watching the anime, and then it would be hours before I finally managed to tear myself away. “Well, it sounds like you just lack self-discipline, Praxis.” Maybe so. But even if I study in a place without those distractions, I get sidetracked by my own thoughts. If I take notes in a class, I’ll start doodling and then focus on my doodle. If I don’t doodle, and there’s a lull in the lecture, then my mind is gone. Even when I’m actively writing down notes, my mind can still wander. I’ll focus on the lecture for a few seconds, maybe even a minute, but then 5 minutes later I’ll realize that I’m not listening anymore, and haven’t been for a while.

Joe and Chandler had the right idea. Also, I have no idea what that blur near my right wrist is from.

I feel like it could be compared to resisting a flood. You can grab a tree, fence-post, lamp, street light — anything you can get a grip on — but it’s only a matter of time before you’re swept away by the torrent. Eventually, you get tired, fatigued, to the point where you just don’t care anymore, and hope that it’ll be over soon. I kinda feel like I’m floundering on the edge of a cliff, about to be washed into the ocean by the flood. I found a decent handhold when I went to the campus counseling center, but my grip seems to have slipped. A month ago, I told my parents that I thought I may have ADHD, and they supported me without hesitation or ridicule. My mom was hesitant to think I had ADHD since I had excellent grades prior to college, but did not criticize or question my decision. That took a lot of stress off of my mind, allowed me to get another grip on something solid and sturdy. And now I’ve been submerged by another wave of . . . despair? Yes, I think that word fits well here. Like I said in the video, I’m down to 25 mg of Adderall. Even though it hasn’t yet allowed me to focus and prioritize better, I realize that my body is still adjusting to the medication, and that because I’m a female, the effect of the Adderall might be affected by hormones/hormonal changes. Knowing that I won’t have anything more to take after tomorrow worries me because I haven’t consistently taken the prescription, nor have I found a dosage that has helped. And now I’m stuck with nothing, pretty much doing nothing in way of finding a solution to my problem, and I have to wait. To wait until my follow-up appointment comes around, and then most likely have to experiment more with dosages. And by then the semester is pretty much over and I’ll have made no discernible progress. I’m lost. How am I supposed to solve this problem in time for me to study and do well on the MCAT, while also juggling classes, writing my personal statement, finding people to write letters of rec, shadowing, starting med school apps, and figuring out plans and a living situation for the next year? What if I’m not able to pull it together and just burn out? I don’t think my situation is extreme enough to explain all of that away if an interviewer questions me about it.

At the end of my vlog, I said that didn’t want to use ADHD as an excuse for my deficits. After crying and slaving over this post all day and night, I think I’ve convinced myself that me having ADHD is rather likely. Or depression. What’s kind of stupid is that the Adderall has kept me awake for about 36 hours and decreased my appetite so much that I haven’t eaten a real meal since Friday (though I’m sure my gluttony on Thursday has helped in keeping my body from complaining). Seeing as a healthy diet, good night’s sleep, and regular exercise are essential in maintaining good health for normal people, the same goes for people suffering from a disorder. I know I can’t depend on medication alone, but the medication is supposed to help me establish healthier habits. With the way things are going, it’s going to be a long, uphill battle. I’m not one to ask for help. I’m also not one to divulge my problems and worries to others. I’m the kind of person to hold it in and hide it from the world, until the mass of problems and worries have grown so much that they overwhelm me. I guess that’s kind of what happened in this post. But I’m laying them out here, rather than trying to scoop them up and hide them away again. And I guess that this is my way of asking for help. To those of you who know me personally, I have (perhaps for the first time) willingly bared a portion of my inner self for you to judge, pity, condemn, and what have you. Errmahgerrd, this is getting dramatic.

I’m sure that you’ve been able to pick up on some of these things already, but here they are from my viewpoint. I’ll appreciate anything you can give me.  Ahh, but don’t worry about finding words of solace or wisdom if they won’t come to you naturally. Your acknowledgment and encouragement is perfectly fine too. So here I am, with a massive post that took a lot of time and effort to make. Sort of like a baby? It’s 11:00 pm, and I still haven’t finished studying the bio lab review, I haven’t written anything for the paper due on Tuesday, nor have I revised the paper due Wednesday or studied for Wednesdays exam. Maybe writing this post wasn’t the best use of my time, considering all of the assignments that are due soon, but I feel like this was something that was necessary for my mental well-being. I guess, in a way, I confronted myself here and became a little bit closer to accepting myself as well. I realize this entry is pretty odd. A 25 minute vlog (nearing 50 if you watch the secret vlog), followed by an uber long and serious blog that is punctuated by not-so-serious images. In retrospect, the blog totally stole the vlog’s thunder. Or at least completely overshadowed the vlog. What I lack in quantity, I make up for with quality? No? You don’t think so? Fusk.

Author’s note (26 Nov, 2:35 AM): Now, I realize that a much of what I wrote is either melodramatic (floundering on the edge of a cliff?), depressive, or maybe even self-deprecating, but that’s how I felt at the time. And, I guess some of those thoughts are always lingering in the back of my mind. You could say that this is what I’m like when I am feeling particularly low. I cycle between guilt and twisted humor. I’m sure the sleep deprivation amplified the intensity with which I experienced those two sides. As much as I want to go back and heavily edit and revise this post (and just take out that vlog, holy crap), I will leave it the way it is. This post was a good experience, and maybe someday the future me will learn something about herself that she had forgotten or denied (probably my foolishness/naivety). If this post ends up helping anyone else, then I would consider it a fair sacrifice. Some of my pride for someone else’s well-being. I would also like to note that my intention in writing this blog was not to focus on ADHD or my personal issues. My plan was to elaborate on the topics I skimmed over in the vlog, insert the images, and write a short blurb on what my mind/attention does when I’m sitting in a lecture or attempting to study at home. Everything else you read forced itself out while I was wallowing in my guilt and self-pity. I really had intended for this post to be more light-hearted (as you can see by the images) and impersonal (like my normal posts)! Just be glad that it makes any sense at all, since I wrote this blog in sections and alternated randomly among them as things/ideas popped in my head.

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Delicate Bonds

All right, I know my last post has been a while ago and I also didn’t give a resolution to my Vietnam trip, and for that, I apologize. I’ll add the last couple of days to the list of blogs that I need to write (Akon, for example).

I decided I wanted to try out an MMO after visiting my sister in college and seeing her play WOW.

Speaking of Akon, I was perusing the blog of someone I met there (a friend of a friend), and they do a lot of audio blogs. Many of the most recent ones are with friends of theirs, and many of the friends who guest star on this person’s blog are people whom they have met online. This got me thinking about my friend, Nightmaren, who seems to have about the same number of friends as me IRL, but has a fairly large number of online friends. Nightmaren met most of these (or maybe all of these?) friends through MMO games.Now, I’ve tried a couple before, but I never really was able to get into them much. It’s not because I dislike MMOs — on the contrary, I’ve been wanting to really get into one — it’s just that my circumstances have never been ideal for playing them. Such as slow internet and low computer specs. (How am I supposed to know where I am or where I’m going when the distance all looks the same because I have to put my graphics on the lowest possible settings?!)

In any case, what Nightmaren and their friend have in common is the fact that they’ve made some pretty strong friendships with people they’ve met online. Judging from posts on their respective blogs, some of these friendships are stronger than with people they’ve met outside of the interwebs . . . and I’m kinda jealous of that. I’ve always been an introverted person. I only keep in touch with one person from my life from before college, and that’s because she happens to be my best friend. My parents have always been overprotective of me, so in elementary school, I wasn’t often allowed to spend the night at other people’s houses or hang out with them after school. I wasn’t even allowed to play with the neighbor’s kids, though there weren’t any around my age, anyway. As I got older, I just kinda accepted this fact, so that by the time I got into high school, I had the mentality that I wouldn’t be keeping in touch with these people anyway, which led to me not socializing with classmates as much as I could have. (Or at all, really.) And I was right — I haven’t talked to the people I did become close friends with since we graduated. Of course, that might have been a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of situation. Some of you might think that I might’ve become this way because of my parents’ overprotectiveness, and maybe that’s somewhat true. But I’ve always kinda felt like I don’t belong when hanging out with a group of friends. foreveralone.jpg

Perfect-World-International
This was my second MMO experience, one that I started with Nightmaren during freshman year. Alas, my crappy graphics card kept me from playing it regularly.

I think I was lucky when I got to college. I managed to become really good friends with my boyfriend’s (at the time) roommates, and even after my boyfriend and I broke up, I still stayed friends with his roommates (which was probably really awkward for him). But even though we’re still close friends, I feel like I don’t really know them. The fact that I’m the only girl amongst them might have a part to play in it, but they’ve also spent a lot of time together without me. I admit that I sometimes feel out of place when I’m with them. But they’re also the only long-term friends I’ve made throughout my college career thus far — I haven’t even stayed friends with my own roommates, and we all got along rather well.

As an introvert, I value my alone time and am fine with having solid friendships with only a few people. However, I’ve always had this notion that it would be easier to make friends online since there’s no way to prejudge a person you meet aside from maybe their screen name or the way they type. I mentioned in another post that I spent a lot of time on Gaia Online during high school, but even there, I never made any long-lasting friends. My sister, who has played WOW since she was in college, met her fiance through WoW and has visited her WoW friends IRL. Nightmaren and their friend met IRL during Akon, and I remember Nightmaren mentioning that meeting IRL didn’t feel awkward at all. I want to experience that, but I’m always holding myself back, both online and IRL. I guess it’s kind of a self-perpetuating cycle. And I don’t know how to break out of it. Geez, I’m starting to make myself slightly depressed.

My sister and her fiance bought this for me as an early early early birthday present (to play with them), but I haven’t been able to play it because my laptop specs are too low.

At Akon, both Nightmaren and their friend felt liberated, or more at ease, and found it easy to strike up a conversation with random people because everyone was united by a common factor — the love of all things anime and manga. I’m sure many of the people at Akon felt that way. And while I admired the fact that there were so many people in one place for one thing, I wasn’t able to share in that relaxed atmosphere. Both Nightmaren and their friend see themselves as introverted, but easily struck up conversations with random people and maybe made new friends while at Akon. I know I’m more self-conscious than Nightmaren, and maybe that’s the issue. I mean, I even had a really hard time mustering up the courage to ask people if I could take pictures of them. Most of the pictures I got at Akon were from sneaking in and snapping a shot after someone else asked. I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this post anymore. I think I had planned it to be about MMOs and online friends, but now it’s warped into something more . . . reflective. In any case, judging by my progress in becoming more confident and less self-conscious, I may have to put “make a close online friend” on my bucket list.

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When I Die

I want to be cremated. Unfortunately, my grandma passed away two weeks ago, and her funeral was this past weekend. I’m glad that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore, but it was really difficult to watch my parents, aunts, uncles, and grandpa have to deal with the pain of her loss. Most of my family wrote a piece about her for a memoir, and after reading through the rough copy last weekend, I wish I had been able to get to know her better. Most of my cousins also were in the same situation as me; the language barrier and my grandma’s quiet nature kept us from being able to bond with her over the years, but it’s easy to see how amazing she was through what my aunts and uncles had to say about her in the memoir. In junior high, my great grandma passed away, but I don’t really have any memories of her at all, and my memory of her funeral proceedings are very hazy. So it was pretty surprising to see the ceremonial/traditional funeral garments that my parents, aunts, and uncles wore . . . to be honest, it had a cult-ish Ku Klux Klan vibe since Asian cultures traditionally associate white with death and mourning. And the daughters of my grandma had a hood as part of their garment. Although my grandma passed away, it was nice to see that my family was also able to have fun, even on the same day of her burial. After her burial ceremony, our family went to a restaurant to eat, where we had reserved a private room. I’m not sure how other funerals are, but I think that the feast was probably also a way to celebrate her life. I suppose I should get back to my initial point. I want to be cremated when I die. My grandma had an open-casket viewing before the burial, and whoever prepared her body must’ve pulled back the skin on her face to make it more taught and “prettier”. They also put make-up on her, and the lipstick made her look completely unlike how I had seen her when she was alive. So I want to be cremated in order for people to be able to remember me the way they want to, not still and lifeless. Besides, I have this crazy notion that I’d arrange for my ashes to be split up into bottles for people to take away with them. Like party favors or something. So that they can scatter them on their next vacation. In any case, I’d want my funeral to be more of a celebration, but I guess funerals are for the living, not for the dead. Or so I’ve heard. I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but there is a new sub-page under the “About the Authors” page. Phantasma is a fellow student who is starting to focus more on his interest in writing and drawing/art. I’m sure he’ll post his on introduction soon enough, but I figured I should go ahead and formally announce it in a post of my own. After all, this is my blog. Classes are officially over for me, and now it’s finals time. I only have two, and the first one isn’t until Friday, the 11th, so I have quite a bit of time to procrastinate study. However, what I’m worried about most at this point is my piano II class’s recital on Saturday. What with the funeral and the suspense with my grandma’s death, I hadn’t really put much effort into practicing my piece. It’s an etude, which is a piece “intended as an exercise or to demonstrate technical virtuosity” (dictionary.reference.com), and as such, a real pain in the ass to learn. I’m happy to say that I’ve seen a great amount of progress in the past couple of days and can get through the piece fairly easily. At least, I pretty much know the notes; it’s just getting my fingers to remember them by Saturday. If I don’t have it down by Saturday evening, I at least have a fall-back, and my professor already knows about this. But she’s given me her vote of confidence and seems to think that I’ll be able to have it together by Saturday, so I’m sure that’ll help boost my morale and all that jazz. I probably won’t publish another post ’til after finals, but at least then I’ll have time to make a vlog.For all my readers who are also students, good luck on finals! I just tried an epsom foot soak for the first time in my life, and it felt soooo good. Next step is to take an epsom salt bath.
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Transience

It’s been two weeks since my last blog post. The days passed by in a blur. My parents visited for Easter, And my apartment is covered in fur.   I flew through the last week feeling like a ghost. On last Thursday’s Neuropsych exam, I regrettably made a C. But it’s okay because I got some adjustable dumbbells for free. Things are still good, as far as I can see.   Today I feel like a piece of toast. Driving in traffic is probably worse than the bends. My ex and I are no longer just friends. But my grandma looks like she’s near the end.   I may never even get to see her again.  
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Hubba Hubba Zoot Zoot

I just failed so hard at eating dinner. At the end of last week I made a pot of rice and prepared some lap xuong (a type of Chinese sausage), and practically every chopstick-full of rice I ate resulted in dropping rice grains all over myself. Not to mention that I spilled rice even before I started eating because my hands were being all derp and dropped the chopsticks multiple times.
No matter what the amount, getting money is always fun. Even if you don't yet understand the concept of money.
But anywho. Uhh, today is lunar new year. Chuc Mung Nam Moi! (“Happy new year” in Vietnamese.) It’s the year of the dragon, the 5th sign in the Chinese zodiac which symbolizes power, good luck, success, and happiness. The day where lunar-new-year-celebrating-Asians will get little red and gold envelopes filled with dollars bills and the occasional $5 or $10. OR, you could be really lucky and get $2 bills. /sarcasm? Unfortunately, I was not able to return home and partake in the Tet festivities. I wonder if I’ll have any red envelopes waiting for me the next time I visit home. So, so, so, I bought a Kindle Fire off of Craigslist last week, after waiting for what seemed like foreeveerrrr to find a price I liked and a person who actually responded to my inquiry. I got a pretty good deal (25% off retail price), especially considering that some people insist on trying to sell their Kindle Fires above the price listed on Amazon.com. I may have mentioned in a previous post the idea of rooting my Kindle Fire. As of right now, I’m pretty pleased with the Fire the way it is, even if the roulette showing recent activity is pretty ridiculous. In addition, the root for the latest Android build (Ice Cream Sandwich –> ICS) has already been made, although it’s buggy and still being worked on by developers. Besides, if I root my Kindle, then I won’t be able to have access to the Kindle Reader’s Lending Library or whatever it’s called, as well as free access to selected movies and TV shows. Of course, to take advantage of these perks, one needs to be a member of Amazon Prime. My only real complaint is that there are no decent note-taking apps (that use handwriting, rather than typing the text) on Android 2.3 (Gingerbread, which is what the Fire has, albeit changed up and slightly crippled). The promising apps I found are only available for Android 3.0 (Honeycomb) and up, and apparently the code for Honeycomb wasn’t released; the only roots available for the  Fire as of right now are the full-blown Android Gingerbread and buggy ICS. In any case, not being able to take hand-written notes on my Fire isn’t remotely close to being a deal-breaker. The 7″ screen isn’t exactly ideal for that kind of thing.
Total "wtf" title, but it makes sense after it's explained.
  As for the academic front, I feel like I’m off to a decent start. I’ve been exercising on a regular basis, though not every day like I originally planned. Right now I’m only up to 1 hour gym work-outs Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. But hey, it’s a start, right? I also bought this ebook off of Amazon during the break when it was on sale called Eat That Frog: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time. Kinda seems ridiculous, but for me, it’s helped quite a bit, and I’ve only read 3 chapters (less than halfway). The main thing that it’s stressed so far is to plan ahead. For you non-procrastinators, this seems like a no-brainer, right? And perhaps even for procrastinators too. But the simple act of writing everything down actually helps a lot. Granted, I haven’t been completing everything I’ve written on my To-Do lists for the past two days that I’ve tried it, but I’ve been able to get the most important things done, at least. It’s gonna be a challenging semester, probably moreso than I realize, but I’m sure it’ll be worth it in the long run. It better be, though for $1.50, if it doesn’t turn out to be worth it, at least it won’t be a big loss. Last week I had my first counseling session for the semester, and my counselor noted that I seem much happier than I had last semester, though we both aren’t sure yet if that’s because of the break, or because of the Wellbutrin. That being said, I do feel happier this semester, as well as actually motivated to do well. Of course, the motivation may be due to me only taking classes that I’m actually interested in for this semester, rather than because I need it as a prereq for med school. My lifestyle in general has become more healthy; I’m eating 3 meals a day at more regular intervals, rather than the 1 or 2 I would eat in the past few years. As I already stated, I began my journey to getting fit. My sleep seems to be more restful and undisturbed as well. I just feel good. Knock on wood. We’ll see how things are after the first round of exams. Which come at the end of next week. Yikes. Also also also, I applied for a job on campus. It’s a typing data entry thing and only pays $8/hr, but a job is a job, and at least it’s not my only means of support. Actually, it’s more for personal spending money. Project money. I applied Saturday evening (I think?) and haven’t gotten a reply yet, but hopefully I can nab it. If not, then maybe I can get a job at a center that specializes in programs for ADD, ADHD, autistic, dyslexic, etc. children, which would be more up my alley what with being a neuroscience major and all. It’d probably look better on my resume too. I’m hoping to be able to stay on campus for work, though. Geebus, so many things to talk about! I swear this is the last thing. It seems that I’ve finally gotten a volunteer position at a hospital. People must not like to communicate with me, because scheduling an interview appointment with the volunteer coordinator took forever (and didn’t even happen when I applied last spring). So did scheduling an appointment to get my TB test. And the first two people I tried to buy a Kindle Fire from on Craigslist never responded; one contact number was completely wrong. People just don’t pick up their phone. To be fair, I screen my calls too. Anyway, the volunteer orientation is this Wednesday. After that and after my reference gives back a completed reference form, I should be all ready to volunteer. The only thing left is to get my DART pass so I don’t have to drive in that abysmal traffic. (Srsly, why is there traffic when there are no vehicle accidents or anything???) Also, someone stole my bike. Really? My bike? And why the fusk can’t I change the color of the strike-out font? P.S. My cat has been much more affectionate as of late. I feel loved.
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I Really Miss

This used to be the homepage for Gaia Online.
Role-playing. Way back in the day when I first got acquainted with the internets and was an illiterate n00b, I was (and still am) a member of Gaia Online. I don’t know exactly how to describe the site, but a great deal of my pre-college days were spent on it. It’s been years since I’ve done anything more than lurked about and reminisced about the past; I don’t remember exactly why I stopped frequenting the site, but I think it was mainly due to many of my online friends getting lives leaving, as well as a feeling of strong dislike and derision towards the younger members of Gaia (an elitist reason, to be sure). This demeanor developed after I had begun to role-play seriously, which involved me abandoning my chat-speak-emoticon-laden-grammarless style in favor of the grammatically-correct and content-relevant style of posting. Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that Gaia was where I first had my experiences with role-playing. Some of them (all of the literate roleplays) were short-lived. The other, more casual, role-plays were also fun but too superficial for my tastes. I viewed role-playing as writing stories in collaboration with others. I always did like to write. Hurr durr, that’s why I have a blog. A blog (almost) no one knows about. YAY ME. Every so often, I’ll log onto Gaia and visit old threads that I used to post in, old role-plays I had a part in, and the few posts I had in my journal. My journal on Gaia was used to archive bios for characters I had made for various role-playing threads. I just went through them earlier tonight, and I’m kinda surprised at how much I wrote for some of the bios and role-playing blurbs (which were sometimes a part of applications to participate in a role-play). They aren’t actually all that bad, either. The main thing that bugged me about all my old stuff is that nothing really seemed original. Many of my characters were half-animal. I guess it was sort of a “thing” back then to have characters who were Therianthropes (I had to google for that term). I’m pretty sure that every single character I made had some sort of distinguishing quality that I possess(ed) myself. Which, of course, made it all the easier for me to role-play, since half the time I was just typing stuff I would do in whatever situation the character happened to be in. Of course it’s easy to come up with story stuffs when it’s something you would do. I don’t think I ever tried making a character whose personality was, for the most part, something that I could not identify with. I probably didn’t want to go through that much effort. It already took me long enough to think of a cliche and unoriginal bio. I remember spending a great deal of time in writing posts for the literate threads. Hours, even. That site ate away all of my time. The days before Facebook. And MySpace. It was the closest thing I could get to MMOs/MMORPGs, since my shoddy internet connection was too slow to allow me to actually play any. Rambling. Like a boss. (SORRY I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF)
I just found this image on Google, and it actually *is* a baby MMO!
Gaia Online is actually a pretty diverse site. Maybe it just seems that way to me because I haven’t been exposed to many sites of similar intent. In any case, I think it’s kind of interesting to have a site that has forums for art, writing, tv/anime/manga, etc. It also has this baby-MMO kind of thing, where users can explore the land of Gaia through their user avatars. I only tried it a few times (meaning, my internet only worked that hard a few times), so I can’t really say much about what there was to do on that part. There is a game section where users can entertain themselves through puzzles, word games, arcade games, and thereby earn gold (with which they by accessories for their avatar). Nowadays it seems that you get an aquarium, build a house and furnish it for the MMO-ish aspect, and maybe even have a car? Now that I think about it, the last few points I mentioned make me think of Facebook for kids. Man, I used to be really obsessed with that site. (I even installed a toolbar so I could post in threads more quickly and efficiently!) My hardcore weaboo days,  I suppose? Every time I visit it, there’s a part of me that considers trying to integrate myself back into the community. I mean, some of the people on my friendslist are still somewhat frequent visitors, from what I saw on their profiles about last login and most recent posts and other stuff that I was being a creepy stalker about. So couldn’t I do the same thing? I guess what keeps me from doing that is the feeling that I’ll just compare everything to the way things were when I first joined that site (only a few years after the site was first conceived). In addition, most of the people I knew back then are no longer there; the ones who still are, are now strangers. I’d have to start all over again and build new relationships from scratch, and honestly? I have no motivation to do that. So I guess I’ll be stuck forever reminiscing. And half-heartedly searching for another site with which I can experience the joy of role-playing once more. Geebus, that ended on a rather depressing note.
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Hey there.

So it’s been a bit under a month since my last post. Sorry guyyysss. So, first of all, on November 19, one of my older cousins got married. I was a bridesmaid for his wedding. Except. He got mixed up and didn’t say that I was actually the Maid-of-Honor, seeing as I was the only bridesmaid. But no big deal. So for his wedding, I drove home the night of the 17th because a dress rehearsal was on the 18th. The night of the 18th, I stayed at the hotel with his fiance because we had to be prettified early early (5 AM) the next morning and it would be better if I didn’t have to drive an hour and a half from my parents’ house the morning of. And they were sick. Lemme stop here and take the time to say that when I get married, I’mma make sure they give me some simple hair style because having to wash the hair spray caked in your hair late at night after having been gallivanting around all day for wedding stuff is a big pain in the butt. The number of guests for the wedding was small; it was just my family, but even so, that was about 50-60 people total. Since it was small, being the maid-of-honor wasn’t too stressful. The only thing I didn’t like was the fact that I didn’t get to spend much time with my other cousins during that weekend, and since I didn’t go home for Thanksgiving either, I won’t get to see them again until Christmas. So, wedding was all fun and whatnot, and my sister caught the bouquet. There’s this rumor going around amongst the aunts and uncles that my sister is planning on getting married next year, but when I asked her about it, she had no clue what I was talking about. Asking my aunts and uncles about the source of their information pointed me to my mom, but she claimed that she hadn’t said anything about that either. Many people are curious as to when my sister and her boyfriend are going to get married, though, so I guess it’s not too surprising. My second counseling session was the Monday after the wedding/before Thanksgiving. After expressing further interest on how I might get an appointment with the on-campus psychiatrist, my counselor took all the necessary information from me in order to fill out the referral form, since it seems the only way to get an appointment with the psychiatrist is through a referral from one’s counselor. After getting that out of the way, we ended up discussing my relationships with other people (keeping them distant) and why my relationships might be the way they are. At least, that was what fueled whatever we discussed for the rest of the session. My next session is this coming Monday, and I have an appointment with the psychiatrist for next Friday. Even though UTD had classes up to Wednesday (Thursday and Friday being the only days we had off for Thanksgiving holidays), I went to class only on Monday. Why? Because I got sick with a cold from the bride and groom. It wasn’t all bad; I was able to finish reading Eldest and Brisingr from the Inheritance cycle by Wednesday night. After finishing Brisingr, I immediately went out and bought Inheritance . . . and ended up finishing that Thursday afternoon. I was supposed to use Thanksgivin g break for studying, since next week is the start of finals, but I’m so weak to temptation. D: My parents, after having heard I was sick, decided to visit me and bring me food and, in general, baby me. They arrived Friday afternoon and left Saturday morning. Even though their visit was short (as it always is), I’m glad they came. It reminded me that my family is very amazing. The rest of the weekend was spent practicing piano and
OOhh, I want a tablet so bad!
wasting time looking at Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals and falling in love with the concept of Amazon’s new Kindle Fire even though I really don’t need it and there are many cons about it especially since it’s the first generation of it but I still really want it anyway. Since Amazon and Overstock.com both have Cyber Monday deals all weak, I’ve still spent a lot of time looking at all the sales, even though I haven’t found anything worth buying. I really like the idea of the Kindle Fire. I have Amazon Prime already, and Amazon Prime users are given movie options to watch/download for free. As an eReader, those with Kindles have access to the Kindle Owners’ Lending Library, which allows one to borrow a book for a month for reading without having to pay for the book. As one who likes to read, this is a very appealing aspect. My sister pointed out that a regular Kindle eReader may be better for me than the Kindle Fire, but if I’m going to get a Kindle, I’d rather be able to have the option of using it for other things that just reading. The Kindle Fire isn’t exactly a true tablet, but for $200, it’s not expected to be, either, and I don’t intend to use a tablet to replace my laptop. With some tablets costing nearly as much as a new laptop, I don’t see myself purchasing a full-blown tablet any time soon. As my sister said, “I’d want to be able to play games (WoW) on it, but you can’t do that.” Akshually, I went to Best Buy yesterday evening to check it out (because, you know, it’s good to have a look at things you’re thinking of buying), and some of the bad things I heard about it aren’t really that bad. Some people complained about the interface being schizo, but the model in the store seemed perfectly fine. Yeah, the speakers are in an awkward place and don’t have much power to them, but I’d use earphones if I were watching a movie or listening to music. I have to admit, the power button is in a really stupid place. Why anyone would put it on the bottom of the device is beyond me. However, you can just flip it upside-down (and the screen will also flip) so it’s usable that way as well, aside from a few applications. I’m not sure how much the lack of a volume rocker will bother me, though, especially for applications that don’t have a way to change the volume in their settings. I guess that’s enough of my Kindle Fire spiel. (Also, there’s already a way to root it, which would give me more freedom to do what I want with it toooo.) Aside from being a good-for-nothing who spends too much time watching anime and reading manga and being useless in general, I’ve also been practicing my third piece for my piano class. We’re having a recital tomorrow night, which also takes the place of our final. I’m still having trouble with a few spots, but I think I’ll be all right by the time the recital comes around. That’s what’s been occupying the rest of my attention the past few weeks. I’ve only been practicing this piece for a total of about 2 weeks, while the other people in my class have been practicing theirs for closer to a month or more. Good news! My only final exam is for my biochemistry class, which is next Friday morning. As I already mentioned, playing in tomorrow’s recital takes the place of the final for my piano class, I’ve already finished everything for my two online classes, if you have a passing grade in Neuroanatomy, you’re exempt from the final (it’s only for people who need it to pass), and for my History of American Medicine through Film class we have to write a paper on a movie we choose (and compare it to a movie we’ve watched in class). This weekend is gonna be crammed, since the paper is due next Tuesday, and my fourth Neuroanatomy exam is also on Tuesday. Well, I should probably get started on some of that stuff. Yay for another boring update that doesn’t really give any insight. Posting weekly makes me churn out more thoughtful content.
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I had a dream

That I overslept again and both Toto and Jager peed everywhere in my apartment. And then my parents visited me and where like, “Wtf.” And they brought McDonald’s to eat for dinner. What? I guess that’s what I get for taking a 3-hour nap at four in the afternoon. So, my first counseling session was on Monday afternoon, and while it was kinda weird to be going to counseling, overall, I was comfortable with who I had been assigned as a counselor. I have to attend a few more sessions before being able to see the psychiatrist, and if I want to know from them whether or not I have ADD/ADHD, I’d have to go to an off-site testing area to get tested (which would cost money). If I don’t want to wait til I’m eligible to see the psychiatrist on campus, then I have to find one off campus and either get tested by them, or just talk with them and see if they think that I do have ADD/ADHD (which would still cost money). I’m not sure whether or not I want to wait, as most of the studying tips she suggested are things I have already tried. One of my friends suggested I write in my books while I study as it helps one concentrate on what they’re actually reading if they actively take notes; while I can see that working, my mind immediately balked at the idea and said, “NO, it is forbidden!” And some of the textbooks I have do not belong to me. As for my anger issues, she suggested that I try meditating daily. And said I should try and have a healthier lifestyle in general, which I know I should. I haven’t been really getting quality sleep lately, I never really ate regularly or healthily (I have more incentive when I’m cooking for other people, rather than for just myself), and I am soooo out of shape. I’m hoping to remedy that this coming semester by making a schedule that has me starting classes at the same time every day and finishing early in the afternoon, allowing me time to get into a habit of waking up at the same time every morning and giving me time to work out for an hour every afternoon. Wish me luck! I’m also much closer to the Activity Center than I was last year, so making the trip from my apartment won’t be as much of a deterrent when it’s cold. Or freezing. 8:40 – It’s so easy to get sidetracked watching videos of cats. Pretty sure I started writing this blog at 8.  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss So that was my dog, Toto, giving his input. Maybe he was trying to imitate the creepers from Minecraft. Speaking of pets, I think Jager and Toto were actually playing today! Well, Toto always tries to play with Jager, so that’s not news. However I think Jager was playing hide-n-seek with Toto today. It’s big news! It really is! I’ve never seen Jager play with Toto like that before. Anyway . . . Hmm. Last night I was out shopping, so on the way back I stopped at my ex-boyfriend’s to pick up some stuff that I’d forgotten. We ended up talking for a while, and it became pretty clear to me that we’re better friends than we are boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m glad that I had the chance to talk with him. It’s put my mind at ease. Even though I haven’t been strong in my faith in the past, I can’t help feeling that God helped me out with this one. My close friends were very supportive of me once I told them, and even having the initiative to go and talk to Chris in the first place was not something I would have been able to do easily in the past. I’m glad with how this whole situation concluded. I am uber excited for this weekend; my friend, Beth, is visiting Dallas for a swing dance class she’s taking with her swing dance club. Since it’s close to campus, she’s spending the night at my apartment for the weekend, and we haven’t been able to really hang out in a long while. (That was another reason why I feel God was really helping me this past week.) In addition, one of my other friends is having her birthday party on Sunday (eating out and going bowling). I love to bowl, so I think it’ll be fun overall, even though I probably won’t know anyone besides the birthday girl. The only damper is that I have a biochem exam next Monday, so I should really be studying right now instead of blogging. I haven’t even eaten dinner yet! I’m soooo bad. My ex has a snake and it’s so cool and I want a snake. My house is going to have a zoo.
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It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like . . .

I'll get rid of my stress even if it's the last thing I do!
I’mma be really stressed out soon. You thought I was going to say “Christmas,” didn’t you? We’re not even past Thanksgiving yet! Class registration for spring starts next Monday! I’m a senior by credits, so I get to begin registering for classes Tuesday morning. I’m currently looking at 15-17 hours for spring semester, and hopefully, I can start some research during the summer. I’m still having some trouble with procrastination and focus when studying, so I’ve begun counseling at the counseling center on campus to see what tips they have for students struggling with time management and whatnot. And, ultimately, to see if I have ADD/ADHD because, honestly, that would not be surprising and would explain a lot. In addition, my GPA isn’t all too competitive right now, so I’m going to hold off on applying to med school by (hopefully only) a year, during which I will perhaps continue with research, gain hospital experience (volunteering and shadowing), and possibly also get a job. It’s somewhat comforting now that I’ve come to the decision to wait a year. I’ve yet to tell my parents that, though, so I’m also nervous about it. Other updates? I got a cat! His name was Woody when I first met him (at the shelter at which I’m currently volunteering), but I felt that it didn’t fit. He has now been renamed as “Jagermeister.” Yes, like the alcohol, but that wasn’t the reason for which I named him. I like to call him “Jager.” My dog, Toto, is pretty herp and isn’t aware of how to properly interact with a cat. It also doesn’t help that Jager’s declawed, so whenever he hits Toto in the face, Toto thinks he’s playing. They get along, which is what I was hoping for; the only problem is that Toto always wants to play. And he is not a small dog, by any means.
This was Jager's first day at home.
Hmm, I also had a boyfriend whom I had begun dating in February. Our relationship ended this past Wednesday, and I’m trying to keep from blaming myself too much. I know that I’m not the only one to blame for the failure of this relationship. I’m upset, but moreover, I’m agitated that I do not know the complete reason for this recent turn of events. Seeing as we’re both short-tempered individuals, it seems that he was tired of arguing all the time. It’s a reasonable thought, but I can’t help but feel that there’s more to it than that. Ah well. The decision was, for the most part, mutual. It just feels like it happened very abruptly. In any case, I’ll try to remain optimistic about the whole thing. The weather has been looking nicer. I feel that we skipped fall, though. Or that fall is more close to feeling like winter rather than being a halfway point between summer and winter. As long as I’m no longer sweating buckets outside and then freezing in my classes, I’ll be happy. Here is my pre-New Year’s resolution: One post per week. It shouldn’t be too difficult, right? As long as I don’t try to write a novel every time, I think it’ll be feasible. So, see you guys next year week.
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And I’ll Survive, I Will Survive!

Saturday, 2 January 2010 8:41 PM
Even though my holiday break is only three weeks, a bit shorter than some colleges or universities, I’m about ready to begin classes once more. I suppose my college has figured out the optimum break length to where students are able to feel like they’ve had a good amount of holiday relaxation, but haven’t been out of school for so long that they’ve forgotten how to aptly use their time once classes start again.
For me, college life hasn’t been too difficult to adapt to. I’ve always been rather independent, so I wasn’t very homesick when I moved out. However, the work for classes is a different matter. I didn’t study as much as I should have during my first semester of college. Actually, I’ve never had to really study before. All I really did throughout my years of junior and high school years was cram (because really, nobody should have to really study for school prior to junior high). By the time I did start studying hardcore, it was for my finals, and I wasn’t exactly sure what to do. Am I really supposed to just stare at this material for four or so hours? So this next semester, I’ll still be working on adapting to college coursework. Real college coursework because community college doesn’t exactly count.
I also had some difficulty cutting myself off from the fun and games when I knew I had to get down to business and study. I got pretty addicted to shooting pool for a month or two, and I still really enjoy playing it. However, I tend to rotate between my addictions. Pool and anime/manga are the main ones I had to deal with the first semester. At one point of one of my anime/manga addiction phases, I watched and finished Fruits Basket within a day, and went through one hundred and sixty-something chapters of a manga (basically until I finished all the chapters currently out for that manga) in two or three days. I got little sleep those nights; I don’t know how I was able to function in classes during those periods, or if I was able to function at all. At my most addicted phase for pool, I skipped one class (after already playing for pretty much the whole afternoon) and made a bet with a friend (which I won, mwuha!). At least I haven’t gotten addicted to coffee or energy drinks to power my way through the semester. At one point, I lost my keys. Actually, I just forgot them in my chemistry lecture room, and didn’t realize that the keys my professor was holding up at the end of class were mine. And by the time I noticed, it was too late. I suppose, luckily enough, this happened on a Friday. Locked out of both my apartment and my room, I wouldn’t have been able to properly attend classes relying solely on what I had with me at the time. Or, perhaps this was an unlucky thing, since I would’ve been able to go to the lost and found on campus immediately to retrieve my keys. Except for the fact that I didn’t know my professor had left my keys there until the Monday after I lost them.
A friend (or two) of mine was kind enough to let me spend the night at their apartment for the duration of my homelessness. True, I could’ve just spent the nights in my own apartment, out in the living room, but that would’ve been more awkward for me. It’s not that I don’t like my roommates; to tell you the truth, I think they’re pretty cool, and I’m glad that I ended up having them as roomies. However, I’m just not as close to them as they are with each other. I feel rather out of place when spending time with them (and their other friends). I always was more comfortable being friends with guys than girls.
In any case, I’ve better prepared myself should such a thing happen again. (Yes, I know I fail epically for losing my keys in the first place, but I’m trying to be optimistic here!)

I, for one, have been really enjoying Christmas vacation. Aside from lack of immediate internet access (no internet at home anymore), the holidays have been pretty pleasant and relaxing. Go to sleep whenever (although I haven’t been able to fall asleep before midnight the whole break), wake up whenever (usually around ten or so, but I go back to sleep and don’t get out of bed until around one), I don’t have to make my own food, spend all day doing basically nothing, and somehow I’m still tired enough to take naps around six or seven at night. That’s probably why I can’t fall asleep before twelve.
I haven’t been completely lazy, though! I swear. But ask me what I’ve done over the holidays, and I honestly can’t remember doing much of anything. On the weekends, and during for Christmas Eve/Christmas and New Year’s Eve/New Year’s, I’ve been going to my grandpa’s house with my parents (like we did before I went off to college). That’s where we have family get-togethers. Our family visits our grandparents at least every two weeks. So all the cousins grew up as a pretty tight-knit group. And I love visiting my family.
It’s fun watching my cousins play games. My cousin, Quan, and his younger brother, Vinh, recently used their Christmas money to purchase an xBox 360 and Halo 3, along with a few other games. Of course, it’s always more fun playing such games with more people (the more the merrier, after all), especially with family, so Quan and Vinh brought their xbox and Halo 3 with them for everyone to play on. My older cousin, Tommy, and my younger cousin, Quan, are playing Halo 3 right now. A little while ago, they were standing in an elevator waiting to go to the next level (playing storymode). Quan recently had acquired a gravity hammer, an overpowering weapon, and was really excited.
Tommy: (health goes down to absolute minimum) Whoa, was that you?
Quan: Ehehehe . . .
And another time they were going up in the elevator and waiting until they reached the next level:
Tommy: (shoots Quan with a needler)
Quan: (wacks Tommy with the hammer)
(They reach the next level, both at minimum health, and see quite a few formidable opponents.) Tommy: Oh, yeah . . . now was probably not a good time for that.
Later, Tommy got tired of playing, so another younger cousin, Nguyen, took the controller.
Nguyen: Chaaaaaaaarrggee! (Gets blown up)
Quan: (Gets blown up immediately afterwards) Aww, I was watching your screen!
Ten minutes later, they have sentinel guns that resemble lasers when they shoot:
Quan: (shoots Nguyen) Ehehe.
Nguyen: (Takes damage) Oohh, I want one of those!
One minute later, going against a horde of enemies:
Nguyen: (Imitating laser noises) Zzzzzzzzzzzzzeewwwwww.
Quan: (Dies) Aww, you killed me!
Finally, they get past that stage. Upon getting to the next one . . .
Nguyen: Awww, I don’t want to do this stage! It scares me!
A minute later:
Quan: (Dies) Nguyen, throw a grenade.
Nguyen: (Throws a grenade. Then walks into it and dies.)
For the next five minutes they have fun killing each other. Just for the giggles.
Quan: Aww, you douche!
Nguyen: My energy shield, you bitch!
And then, two minutes after they’ve declared the friendly fire war done . . .
Quan: Walk away from me, Nguyen. Walk away!
Nguyen: (Kills him with a plasma sword.)
Quan: You douche.
Well. This goes on for quite a while, and I’m sure you guys get the idea. Needless to say, it was quite entertaining to watch. I guess this is probably true for most gamers, but I like how when it’s time to seriously get into a game, my cousins and I sit up to play. That’s when we know it’s serious business.
Because that’s how we roll. [Ololol.]